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My last loss was May 09",so I am handling it well now.
I was in a dark place for a while, but I had to get to a place in my life where I was happy again.
And I am.
I try to remember, well, not to sound cliche, but that everything happes for a reason, and in Gods time, I wil have a baby.
I'm at peace with that.
I'm still having trouble, I'm not coping as well as I thought I was. With my living son finally with me, I talk a lot about his big brother Ethan, at least once a day (he's 3 months, so really he just listens). I cope by defining Ethan's role as a big brother and relying on that connection to him.
I try to do this with the triplets, but it's harder because they were never born, they are less concrete. I didn't have much of a chance to build a relationship with Ethan, but it was much more than I had with Babies B and C. I also have to be careful because we are not planning on telling Grant about B and C once he can understand, maybe until his teens or college years. We don't want him to develop survivors guilt.
Ugh, I really did think this would get easier once Grant got here.
For me, time has healed the bitterness, but never the sense of loss. My first loss was in May 05, and I still find myself thinking about what kind of child (s)he would have been. It's hard to believe I'd have a baby over 5 and in kindergarten already.
With Sophie, much of that is still very, very raw. When I think about her whole birth experience I still find it hard to breath and it still has the ability to rip my heart out. I think in a way Grace healed a lot of that trauma for me, but in other ways she almost made it harder. Now that I see how beautiful and amazing Grace is, it makes it that much clearer what I lost when I lost Sophie. I think my heart will always hurt for her and what could have been, especially.
*Thank you so much to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!*
Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.