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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
September 9th, 2010, 08:17 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Let me preface this by saying I almost never share anything I write with people. I found this yesterday though and felt like I wanted to share it with you guys, only because I know that you would understand the emotions behind it. I wrote this at a time in my life when the emotions from losing Sophie and sending Jonathan off to Iraq were still very raw. It's very unpolished and I know there are a million things in it I need to fix, but here it is in a very rough state. Thanks for reading in advance!

A handful of stars and I, of course, grabbed the one with no light. Burned out by the time I found you I had no choice but to hold you. Twinkling in the sky the rest of the stars are so beautiful and all seem too far away, but only to me. Did you know your time would be so short? Did you hold on for me or only because you were too strong to let go? All the stars in that vast and endless sky and you were the most beautiful to me. So small, so perfect in your imperfection.
The days are like weeks, each dragging on and weighted down by my sorrow, but I donít mind. Each week only takes me further from you and the light that burned inside me, my beacon to the future, my hopes and my dreams. Why should the rest of the stars be allowed to shine when they know it was your light that gave them theirs. I look up but every star is a cruel reminder that I am empty and alone.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, nothing but a handful of sand.

There are no words to explain how I feel, just an achy emptiness that seems to stretch into every part of me. I marvel, not for the first time, how resilient and cruel the human body can be. Why should the body that failed me be allowed to move on with life, when it left my heart and head reeling? Yet still I have to remind myself to breathe, in, out slowly and deeply. I know that I can get out of bed today, because I did it yesterday and everyday before that for most of my life. But I donít want to. I want to lie here, curled around this pathetic womb of lost love. I want to wallow in the self-pity that surely I deserve, God at least owes me that. But I canít, because I know that they are all watching, waiting for me to crack so they can rush in to put me back together again. I am nothing, if not a modern day Humpty Dumpty. Watching and waiting with baited breath they wait to see if this fall from new heights will finally break me down. Little do they know that the first fall broke me, that each time I put on a new mask until now I am so layered I feel that surely one tear drop will crack the mold and theyíll all see straight through me.
There is only one thing I can do.
Standing up, I physically shake myself of the dreams that haunted me the night before. I stretch arms that ache with their emptiness and turn on a steaming shower to shake the visions of empty cradles and an empty life. I tick off the mundane tasks of the day: take the roast out of the freezer, pick up the dry cleaning, get the oil changed, feed the dog. After all, he doesnít really deserve to starve. I think that he must know that things have changed. He seems calmer, better behaved somehow. Maybe he just misses his dad.
Mark has been gone for three months now. Three months of fighting his own wars, I hope he is not as tired of fighting as I am. We are both fighting, him for life and limb, myself for sanity. I fear one of us might someday lose our wars. With him gone I too often forget what Iím supposed to be fighting for.
Toweling off I tie a robe loosely around myself, marveling as I do so that Iíve aged these past few months. At only 25 I feel as though I must look at least thirty. Worse than that, I look sick. Dark circles have dulled the brightness of green eyes; my hair hangs limply at my shoulders. My pain exhausts me, and it shows. A quick glance of my house on the way to the kitchen affirms that I shouldnít have much cleaning to do before my in-laws arrive for dinner tonight. My eyes linger on the wedding photos of Mark and I in the hallway, as they always do. I find a small pocket of peace as I remind myself that we were once happy and carefree. I feel hopeful that in time we may be so again. Perhaps not carefree, but it canít be too much to hope that we might at least be content.
Remembering Markís arms around me when he said good-bye, I feel tears pricking the back of my eyes, overcome with grief anew. When those blue eyes made me swear that I would not lose myself I forgot to mention that I no longer remember what it feels like to be found.

I hope this letter finds you in better spirits than the last time we spoke. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that God will give you peace. I feel as though he must be listening, because at night I am tortured by dreams that you are lost, swimming in an endless ocean. Inky black and unforgiving it tosses you on its mighty waves. You are calling out but I canít be sure that itís for me. I can only hope that this means God has taken on your pain and passed it to me, at least for the night. I awake more tired than I was before I went to sleep. If I could fight this war for the both of us, you know that I would. But I cannot, and so I pray that if nothing else you can heal without feeling as though you must do it for my sake.
We had a hard fight today, they say we should expect it to be worse tomorrow. Morale is high though, even if weíre not yet sure what weíre fighting for at least we know weíre fighting hard. Thatís all they can expect from us. I saw children crying in the streets, the horrors that they have seen in their short lives is unspeakable, yet I felt nothing. I donít have the fortitude to grieve for those that refuse to help themselves. I only tell you this because I donít want you to feel that you are alone. I havenít forgotten. You once claimed that I could not possibly understand the failure you felt at not being able to protect her from all that her short life dealt her. But I do understand. Itís exactly how I feel about you. I feel as though Iíve failed to protect you from this pain; if only I could do something to make sure you never hurt again. But I canít. All I can do is tell you that I love you, that Iím coming home soon, and that I will never forget. I love you, pray for me.
Mark

I understand now. I was wrong to assume that you wouldnít understand. What are we going to do? How do we heal, how do we move on? Are we betraying her by even wanting to move on? I feel so stuck in this place of grief, but Iím so afraid to let go of it, because perhaps that means Iíve finally let her go and Iím just not ready to say good-bye for good. I feel as though Iíve failed you, I know you wanted this just as much as I did. The doctor called today, I am to see him next week. I wish you could be here, to hold my hand as he tries to explain away the reason for our loss.
Shelly called today, she told me that she wants to leave Rob. She claims this is never what she signed up for when she married him. Signed up for? Who signs up for this?? Who signs up for anything that is unexplainably thrown our way? Weíve lost a daughter, but I feel as though Iíve gained in you, my best friend, my soulís companion. Who else could share in this pain but you, who held my hand as we lost our star? I will wait for you because you are my past and my future. But most importantly you are my present and without you I would have no reason to fight this losing battle. Please donít let me lose this battleÖ
I canít talk about your war, I canít talk about my nightmares. They are the same. All I can do is wait for you to come home, please come home soon. I
love you.

~

Nat King Cole crooned softly in the background, though for once neither was comforted by the amorous tune of their favorite song. Both were lost in thought, unsure of what to say to each other and at a loss as to what they were going to say to her. Sheíd always been emotional and at times difficult to talk to, but this would be different. They had, of course, talked to her several times, sometimes about the loss but mostly about everything else. And never without the buffer of Mark, who always put everyone to ease. It wasnít that they didnít care, they just didnít know what to say. Though surely the fact that she had called to invite them to dinner had to be a good sign. Healing takes time but it just wasnít good how she kept herself so far from everyone. True, they didnít exactly know how she felt, but they could guess. It was their son off fighting a war, after all. Each knew the fear of losing a child, even if they couldnít understand the actual loss of one. She was always keeping everyone at arms length, maybe sheíd finally decided to let someone in. Maybe they could suggest that psychiatrist friend of theirs to her. Theyíd told him all about her and he seemed like he could fix her. Yes, they thought, thatís what theyíd do.

~

If only they knew how broken I really am, they would stop trying to fix me. I hardly notice the hot water on my hands as I wash the dishes from the nightís dinner, so confused are the thoughts in my head. They worry about me; I can see it in their eyes, in the nervous gestures of their hands. Susan just found out sheís pregnant again, they tell me tentatively. As if the mention of a new life will send me spiraling straight into the pit of despair Iíve barely drug myself out of for their benefit. Could I possibly be that transparent? She worries that I donít call anymore, asks how all my friends are doing and do I see them often? He smiles at me tenderly and I worry if the glue holding me together might be cracking. What they canít possibly know is that Iím terrified of letting anyone in. When alone, these walls open up just enough to let me see a glimpse of the stars beyond. When they come, I allow myself to feel just enough for a real smile to break through, though that bottle of Coppola couldnít have hurt much. Now that theyíre gone the walls close in and once again I find that I canít breathe. Have the stars all burned out, or did I just stop looking?
I hang the dishtowel back up carefully, flip off the kitchen light and slip into a light jacket. When I was pregnant I used to take walks to the neighborhood playground, the children at play filled me with joy. My body takes me there by habit, and my mind is just too tired to care.
It looks as though it might rain. Save for a little girl on the swings, the park is empty. A bench on the other side of the park beckons me. She waves, but I cannot see her through my tears.

The little girl sits by herself on the swings, never partaking but always watching. Though only seven, she was a quick study on the nature of people. One woman in particular had caught her eye this evening. There werenít a lot of people in the park today; it was cold and windy, the waiting rain hiding behind every tree until God told it that it was time to play. She knew that the rain usually waited until everyone had gone home. It was her favorite time, scurrying moms quick to load their children up in their SUV sized strollers so that not a drop would touch their precious totís heads.
But this mom was different. Though a few large drops had already made their landing she seemed hardly to care at all. She was sitting on a bench staring at the playground, though the girl was quite sure she wasnít really seeing slides and monkey bars. Strange, that a mommy with no kids would be at the park on a day like this. There was sadness in her eyes, like the look her own mommy got whenever she talked about her daddy. She said he was in Heaven, that he was her guardian angel now. Sometimes the little girl liked to think that maybe her daddy told God when to let the rain out from behind the trees.
The womanís hand rested unconsciously on her tummy. Looking down, she began to ring her hands, sometimes twirling the ring on her finger. Not knowing what would cause the woman to be so sad, she didnít get up either when the rain started coming down even harder. But she knew the woman did not feel the rain. Black tears ran down her cheeks, her wet clothes clung to her. Yet still she sat, her head now bowed, the rain dripping from her hair onto her already soaked jeans. Finally, the girl left, knowing her mother would worry when she didnít come home for supper.
On her way home the little girl noticed that the rain had stopped almost as quickly as it had come, and the night was now a veil studded with a million stars. One fell from the sky and the girl reached up, as if to catch it. Each time a star fell from the sky she imagined that she could keep it. A box in her room was filled with the wishes of every star she had ever held; she knew that someday they would all come true.
On a bench in a small park, on a star-studded night, a woman reached up to grab a shooting star. She held it in her hand for the briefest of moments, the light of it filling her with a long awaited peace. Ever so slowly she opened her hand, made a wish and blew her little star into the wind.
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Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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  #2  
September 9th, 2010, 10:16 AM
Halloween81's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,236
Wow, that was truly beautiful. It's always hard to explain to others the horrible feelings that come after m/c's. I think you have done that here.
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Kimberly, wife to Jamie
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - February 14, 2009
Miscarriage of twin boys at 11 weeks - September 21, 2009
Chemical pregnancy - January 9, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - April 21, 2010
Miscarriage at 7 weeks - October 22, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - May 14, 2011
Miscarriage at 17 weeks - December 7, 2011 (My sweet little Joshua had Achondrogenesis type 2)
Miscarriage at 5 weeks - June 5, 2013

All test results normal. Reason for RPL unknown.

Annabel born healthy at 35 weeks - May 22, 2014
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  #3  
September 9th, 2010, 10:25 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Thanks, that really means a lot. I guess it's just my way of showing how we all can feel at times.
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Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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  #4  
September 9th, 2010, 10:52 AM
Halloween81's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,236
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambee View Post
Thanks, that really means a lot. I guess it's just my way of showing how we all can feel at times.
Your welcome. I especially related to the feeling of losing yourself and not being able to find your way back.
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Kimberly, wife to Jamie
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - February 14, 2009
Miscarriage of twin boys at 11 weeks - September 21, 2009
Chemical pregnancy - January 9, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - April 21, 2010
Miscarriage at 7 weeks - October 22, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - May 14, 2011
Miscarriage at 17 weeks - December 7, 2011 (My sweet little Joshua had Achondrogenesis type 2)
Miscarriage at 5 weeks - June 5, 2013

All test results normal. Reason for RPL unknown.

Annabel born healthy at 35 weeks - May 22, 2014
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  #5  
September 9th, 2010, 11:45 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
I know we've all been there! Big hugs to you.
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Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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  #6  
September 9th, 2010, 07:52 PM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 10,571
Loved it!
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  #7  
September 10th, 2010, 01:41 AM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: France
Posts: 3,736
That was beautiful
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  #8  
September 10th, 2010, 07:57 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Thank you Amber and Lex. That means a lot, really!
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Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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