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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
September 11th, 2010, 03:17 PM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've been journaling a lot lately, as a coping mechanism I guess... and it made me realize that I'm feeling oddly normal. I think that part of it is that after two losses, I have a thicker skin and although this is of course very hard, the fact is that I've been there done that and I "know" what to expect and what I need. And the fact that since March, my new normal has been being a miscarriage survivor.
It's also made me realize that I am definitely happier now than I was 2 years ago, or even one year ago, before all the losses.
I am just more satisfied with my life and with my relationship with my DH.
I was just so frustrated 2 years ago because I wanted to TTC and he didn't. Now we are on the same page and have been for over a year.
2 years ago, even one year ago, I didn't understand why I was so exhausted and the doctors were reluctant to do any testing. I had all these odd symptoms, which I now know are associated with autoimmune diseases. I now know that I'll soon have a diagnosis, or at least doctors seeking one for me. I had such horrible self-esteem, thinking I must really be lazy and horrible. It's good to have validation that I'm NOT.
I was so frustrated 2 years ago and even one year ago because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life aside from motherhood. Now, I at least have a much better idea and I'm taking steps to get there (going back to school, 1 year left). Now, I'm even imagining a life where I'm NOT a mother. I believe I'll eventually have living children, or at least one living child. But I'm getting to a place where I can imagine that not happening for awhile, and that being ok - most of the time.
We're also getting to a place where we identify more easily as a family. Him & me.


Of course I also started sobbing when I was cleaning the bedroom and had to put away the pregnancy books. Of course I'm not REALLY fine. Of course I can't imagine NOT thinking about this daily. I miss them SO bad.
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  #2  
September 11th, 2010, 03:43 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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*hugs* Baby steps, right?
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  #3  
September 11th, 2010, 04:19 PM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so proud of you for being able to get past your own pain & see the big picture in an optimistic way.
Ofcourse we ALL have our moments where we NEED to cry & be sad. That is okay & normal. Infact, healthy.
But, it's no fun to live your life that way.
I'm glad we can be happy, despite the tragedies in our lives.
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  #4  
September 11th, 2010, 06:34 PM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You sound like the exact place I was before I got pregnant with Grace. Mine mostly came from the 15 month deployment with DH. I got to a point where I made a deal with God. I said that he didn't have to make me a Mother if he'd just bring my husband home safe and sound. For the first time in my life, I meant it. I realized that as badly as I'd wanted a baby, I needed to start focusing on the fact that I had a fabulous life, with or without a baby. I completely let it all go.

3 months later I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. Sometimes, as impossible as it seems, you just have to give it all up and move on. That's usually when amazing things happen.

I'm so proud of you Lex!
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  #5  
September 12th, 2010, 03:04 AM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yeah - I think that's more the place I hope to be soon than where I really am.
I ran out of church crying at the very first song (music in general makes me emotional, and we were singing a song that made me feel sad)
There's still a long road ahead.
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  #6  
September 12th, 2010, 08:49 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Like Augie said, baby steps sweetie. You'll have great days where you feel hopeful and ready, and then you'll take a few steps backwards and feel that it'll never happen. It's all totally normal, and we'll be here for you during all the steps.
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Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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  #7  
September 12th, 2010, 08:56 AM
hollann1984's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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baby steps is a great way to explain how i think we all have been. I am in the baby steps stage as well so you are not alone. Journaling has done wonders for me and sometimes i think with all the crazy ttc/ miscarriage stuff in there that i could write a book with it.
Im glad you are starting to feel a bit better and hope that one day it will all work out for the best!
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