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I think it should be a rule... if you have RPL your kids should be healthy and you should knwo they will be ok.
Its not fair. I lost 3 babies. I grieved, cried, and hurt over my bodies inability to carry those 3 to term. And I finally get my rainbow baby and still, over 2 years later, I don't know if he will survive.
It's NOT fair! I've lost enough, I've grieved enough. I do everything humanly possible and still I fight just to keep him. And maybe this isn't the place to complain about having a very sick kid, but you ladies know the pain... and many don't understand.
its not fair that after losing 3 babies, I have almost lost my rainbow baby so many times. I've been told to give up, to take him home and let him die, that he won't survive, that he won't ever be free of disease, and that he could survive. I don't know. I believe he will, but I don't know.
And I am having to make a decision no parent should make. And live with the results either which way. If he does not get his BMT he won't survive, or not likely. If he gets his BMT and all goes perfect he will be ok, but if it doesn't... my decision could be taking several weeks, months, even years of his life. My decision could kill him or save him. I had a hard enough time deciding to do a D&C with Faith but even then we knew she was already gone, it was my hope that she wasn't and it was all a nightmare.
I try to act like everything is OK and I am excited but realistically, I am absolutely terrified! I am second guessing myself.
It is WRONG to make a parent who has lost already face a decision like this. Of course, it is wrong to make a parent lose at all!
I know what decision has been made, I am not backing out... I can't. but I also know I don't think I will EVER forgive myself if things go the wrong way. And it sucks that I have thought about it, so I already know what I want done if things do go the wrong path.
Can I curl up in a ball, freeze time, and cry??? For what is lost, for what is happening, and for what I am about to put my baby through?
I really don't know what to say since I haven't been there, and I can't even imagine your pain right now.
Let me just say that I know you're his mom, you love him so much and no matter which decision you make, even if things do go the wrong way, he knows you love him, and even if they do go the wrong way : no matter what you did or didn't do, they might have anyway.
This is no more your "fault" than any of your miscarriages.
You are making the best decision, no matter what it is.
Unfortunately you can't freeze time, but you most certainly can curl up into a ball and cry! At least for a while.
Traci, I know we all stand with you in the opinion that NOTHING about this situation is fair. You are absolutely right. No parent should ever have to lose a child, but it's that much more heartbreaking when you've worked so hard to get him in the first place. Pregnancy loss is so heartbreaking for so many reasons...but what you're going through is mind boggling to me. I absolutely can not imagine. I'm angry for you. That you had to work so hard to get him, that you're having to make impossible decisions that no mother should ever have to make for their child and that you're faced with the impossible possibility of losing him.
I'm not going to blow smoke up your bum and tell you everything will be ok. None of us can know that. What I CAN tell you is that you are so incredibly strong. I know you've had no choice but to be strong for Joey, but you are an inspiration to us all. As far as the decision for Joey to have the BMT, I can completely understand how impossible of a situation it feels for you, but the way you describe it sounds like you really don't have much choice in the matter. You know if he doesn't have this, his chances are slim. If he does, things could go wrong but also things could go so very right. Any mother in your position would choose the same.
I hope you know that we'll be here for you no matter what. But I pray constantly throughout the day that in a few weeks or months we will all be able to celebrate with you the healing of sweet little Joey.
I know with all that you've faced this past year and a half that you probably don't feel like Superwoman. But you are to us and to everyone else that knows you, I'm sure. Breathe and take it one second at a time if you have to, and know that we love you and are pulling for you and Joey more than you can know.
*Thank you so much to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!*
Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
*hugs* Sweetie. Amber said it best. You have been through more than any of us here can imagine going through. I know it's easier said than done, but PLEASE don't hold it against yourself if things don't go according to plan. Joey NEEDS to go to transplant. That's why and DJ agreed to it to begin with. Joey has proven (four times) that chemo is not enough. You are making the right decision. I love you and I love your family. I can't wait til next year when we can meet. (Cuz we WILL meet. )
Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling and going through. My heart just breaks for you Joey and you guys. It's not fair and I wish this sorrow and fear didn't exist.
You are an amazing mom and woman. You are doing what you feel is best for him to give him a fighting chance. It's not an easy road but you are traveling it with grace and mercy and you have so many people holding your family and Joey up in prayer.
Thanks ladies. I was afraid posting this, here, would offend some. But I also know you ladies would "get" what I was saying. I'm just so sick of not knowing the future... I want that crystal ball so I can look and see that he will be OK, you know? So I can know what I need to do to ensure he will be OK.
Traci- Do not ever feel like you can't say something on here in fear of offending anyone. We are your cysters & are here for you throughout everything you are going through! You are constantly in my thoughts & prayers!