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lizard, what you mentioned about people not understanding those of us with multiple losses really struck a nerve with me. Women just getting pregnant for the first or second time have no idea what it's like to be pregnant 4-5-6 times and lose most, if not all of their babies. As the losses add up, my expectations have dropped with each pregnancy. I really identified with what you said about getting the BFP is just the beginning of the road for you.
I am lucky too because I have two great kids, but since my second I have had 4 miscarriages in a row. When I got pregnant with my 3rd "angel" I was under the care of a fertility doctor. He knew what I was up against, but all the girls (and I mean GIRLS) in his office were congratulating me and going on and going on and I said "Save it until I'm on the way to the delivery room." Then I miscarried, and I called them and they said "Well, it's probably all right. Sometimes you bleed a little" as I was passing clots and staring at a pregnancy test with a fading line. I know it's their job to be helpful and positive, but sometimes it's too much.
I think it's great to have a forum for multiple losses. I have a good friend who has had 7 miscarriages, 1 full-term stillbirth, and one DD (who is real gem!). I feel like she is the only one who understands what I'm going through, and I'm glad now to know more people who are in the same boat. I feel safe to talk here, because none of you are going to say something heart-wrenching, because you've heard it all before too.
I totally understand about the lowered expectations. I wonder if we are getting more isolated as medicine improves, because people no longer have the expectation that not all their babies will make it (and I guess more do make it now). The only people who were worried with me while I was pg this last time were DH and his grandmother. We all kept saying, "Well, if this one makes it..." while everyone else said, "So which room is going to be for the baby?" I can't imagine how your friend with 7 mcs and a stillbirth must feel.
I feel safe to talk here, because none of you are going to say something heart-wrenching, because you've heard it all before too.[/b]
I acually thought about telling a coworker I don't know very well about my losses just so he'd leave me alone today. I figured it would probably just shut him up, and if it didn't, there probably wasn't anything he could say to me that I hadn't already heard.
I kept saying almost the same thing "If this one hangs in there..." I used it to finish every sentence. "We'll have to move DD and DS to the same room for a while...if this one hangs in there." "I guess we won't get to go anywhere for Christmas this year...if this one hangs in there."
I kept saying almost the same thing "If this one hangs in there..." I used it to finish every sentence. "We'll have to move DD and DS to the same room for a while...if this one hangs in there." "I guess we won't get to go anywhere for Christmas this year...if this one hangs in there."[/b]
I find myself saying the same thing. This baby is due in Jan my father in law is coming over in jan from scotland and I find myself saying well if all goes well and we end up having the baby he wil see her/him. Or is this one hangs in there then we will have a jan baby. Its hard even when you get pregnant again after a misscarrage I still panic at every pain or niggle and people around are like "oh you will be fine" well hello how do they know I have already lost two babies and some of them who have known me that long said the same thing with those angel babies to.
WOW!!! Yes...I imagine all of us could have written these exact posts.
I am now pg for the 6th time. 4 m/c's and 1 Living DD. I wish I could have the joy of these ladies....I remember the first pg that I had, how excited I was. I finally got that way w/Syd when I was about 20w. These last 3 pg...not so much. We do not tell anyone that we are pg. Just keep it to ourselves....
4 Angels in Heaven - March 2005, January 2006, January 2008, August 2008
Stella Rae - May 22, 2009, 7lb 3oz, 20in and 4 weeks early!!!
I think that this is a post that anyone who's experienced multiple losses can relate to. thank you for bumping.
Married 8/11/90 ~ Terry Bechor m/c'd 11/26/03, Thomas A. III m/c'd 7/15/04,
Sarah E. born 6/24/05, Tabitha Zipporah m/c'd 4/?/06, Theodore David m/c'd 8/27/06,
Taylor Lynn m/c'd 2/07/07, Benjamin E. born 3/25/08, Catherine A. born 6/03/09
I thought this was a wonderful post...it almost angers me sometimes, because people that haven't been through this have no CLUE how hard it is. My sister-in-law gets so jealous every time I find out I'm pregnant, because they have been trying for some time & have been unable to conceive. It makes me so mad....just becuase I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm going to have a baby. I'm losing my 4th baby as I type this....the 1st pregnancy I didn't know i was pregnant, so the loss wasn't as hard. THe 2nd I was SO excited, and it was horrible losing the baby. THe 3rd time I was still very hopeful, and it nearly broke me when I lost the baby. This time I had so much hesitation in even letting myself be excited.....people that haven't experienced this don't know what it's like.....what it's like to actually be pregnant & you can't even get excited about it. You can't be NORMAL. You can't start picking out baby names or baby stuff because you don't know that you'll make it that far.
Bumping again. I agree this is something we can all relate too. I have had two (possibly three) losses. While there is the slightest, tiniest bit of excitement that comes with each BFP, there is more sadness, denial, and doubt.
Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)