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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 22nd, 2006, 05:58 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Do you feel stuck - kind of like "Ground Hogs Day" (for lack of a better comparison)...

I know that each pg is separate & unique...so there were differences - even in how far along I was, what each mc was like physically & emotionally, etc, but I feel like I was beginning process (3 tiems) and then I was robbed of ever experiencing it all the way through...so it feels like it intensifies my feelings about it, like I just want to nkow what "this feels like" or "that" and to experience ANY part of pg that has no pain attached to it (I mean heartbrake kind of pain - not labor)...becasue even when I remember the good parts of my pg's (and I do remember) the ending is always heartache - and that memory is tied in there of course.

It's like I am a skipping record & I keep trying to start down a path to motherhood & then I'm back to square one. And I thought I wanted to be pg before the first pg as much as any person could...but since having losses...even when I was in my "dark, hate everything" mode...deep down inside I was just sad & really wanting to still be pg in a whole new depth I never even knew was possible - like I physically felt like I was aching. And I feel like now, even when I don't want it (out of fear, anxiety, saddness) that I still want to be pg more than I ever did before I knew what it was like to be pg - and yet I am not certain always if that feeling is even logical, since I know I can't be as happy, as excited, as hopeful as I was the first time....so maybe I am chasing a feeling that doesn't even exist for me anymore. I don't know if that makes any sense..but if it does - great. Because I am having a hard time explaining.

So basically - I feel like a broken record (and I'm sure Dh would agree) - and I would like to find more of myself that isn't tied into loss - but I don't know how, or if it's even possible. I do my job, I grocery shop, etc & when I have down time I think either about the future, as it relates to the losses, or I think about the past, as it relates to the losses. It doesn't make me feel "bad" most days (of course sometimes I am sad) - overall it's just on my mind a LOT & I don't know if that's healthy, normal, obessesive, etc. I wonder sometimes if it's because I don't have kids - so I am not all that occupied mentally once I come home...no one is making noise, or needing something, etc. So although I do things that are meant to distract my mind - somehow - it doesn't keep my mind busy enough. Maybe it still too soon. I don't kow. Would love to know how anyone else processes it all.

Thanks.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
June 22nd, 2006, 06:29 PM
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I do have two living children, so maybe my answer doesn't hold as much weight, but they were both born before I started experiencing losses. I had no trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant with them, and so when the third time came around I had all these expectations (I really want a baby in May, so we'll get pregnant in August) and then it didn't happen. I thought everything would be like it was the last two times and it was a real kick in the head to find out it wasn't. It took me 10 months to even get pregnant again at all, and then I lost it. It came completely out of nowhere. And since then I've been on big treadmill, getting pregnant, miscarrying, and trying again, like a rat in a wheel. I can identify with the stuck feeling, but I guess it does help that I have two other children that I need to tend to that snaps me out of it sometimes.

But the guilt of having to put them through all this is another issue entirely. That's one reason why I stopped seeing the fertility specialist. He was in a nearby town 45 minutes away, so I would have to load up the kids, drive over there, sit in the office for however long, then they'd see me getting stuck with needles or whatever, and then we'd all drag back home. I just thought that wasn't the "quality of life" I was looking for with them. And with this last pregnancy and loss, I haven't been able to leave the house or play with them outside as much as I should, and I've basically been an emotional wreck for the last week, and that's not being a good mother either.

This whole deal sucks on so many levels and I guess its different for everyone. The only thing that's the same is the heartache and pain.
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  #3  
June 22nd, 2006, 08:24 PM
srs srs is offline
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One of the most hurtful things someone said to me after my first loss was, "Well, you know if you had kids you'd have to get over this sooner, because they'd need you to take care of them." I still to this day don't quite know how to process that one, and it's been over six months (this was said to me maybe a week after the mc!) It's as she was accusing me of being overindulgent with myself, by allowing grief to seep into my life. Beck, your post made me think of that situation again. Of course we're stuck, and the going back to square one part is the hardest for me, and of course we're able to think about it more without other children that need us, but that's the point, isn't it - we don't even know if we'll ever have children, and that's the saddest and most worrisome part of all. I don't say that to minimize anyone else's pain. I don't know what it is like to have a mc when you have other living children, but I think I can speak for the childless women when I say that not knowing if you even can have children is a really painful thing emotionally.
As far as processing things, I'm about in the same place as you - I live my life, but it occupies my thoughts a lot of the time when I'm alone. I have no idea if it is healthy, unhealthy, etc. At least I'm able to sleep at night, which was really hard for awhile after the first mc. My mind isn't racing anymore, it's just sad.
Sorry if this is rambling.. I'm getting really tired, and I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very well.
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  #4  
June 22nd, 2006, 11:20 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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the analogy to groundhog's day (the movie) was brilliant...that's exactly how I feel...doing the same thing voer and over and never getting anywhere...prior to this happeneing to me I never even heard of someone having as many losses as I have (we have, since know some of you ahve had as many if not more m/c's). SRS- what you said about not knowing whether you'll ever have children...I stuggle with that dreaded fear. i can cry instantly if I let myself just at the thought of it. I long to be pregnant...I ache for a baby. I use to want 2-3 children...now I bargain with God for just one...why bless me with such a nuturing, loving part of myself meant for my child and not allow me one...???I can't imagine the answer to that...
One of the things that helps victims of other horrible events in their life is called "rewriting their story"...those of us with no children, our stories will only be rewritten the day we give birth to a fully developed baby and hold it in ourr arms. Should that opportunity not arise, I have no thoughts, no knowledge whatso ever to help with that...and it scares the crap out of me that that's where I will end up.
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  #5  
June 23rd, 2006, 03:58 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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Quote:
I do have two living children, so maybe my answer doesn't hold as much weight, but they were both born before I started experiencing losses. I had no trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant with them, and so when the third time came around I had all these expectations (I really want a baby in May, so we'll get pregnant in August) and then it didn't happen. I thought everything would be like it was the last two times and it was a real kick in the head to find out it wasn't. It took me 10 months to even get pregnant again at all, and then I lost it. It came completely out of nowhere. And since then I've been on big treadmill, getting pregnant, miscarrying, and trying again, like a rat in a wheel. I can identify with the stuck feeling, but I guess it does help that I have two other children that I need to tend to that snaps me out of it sometimes.

But the guilt of having to put them through all this is another issue entirely. That's one reason why I stopped seeing the fertility specialist. He was in a nearby town 45 minutes away, so I would have to load up the kids, drive over there, sit in the office for however long, then they'd see me getting stuck with needles or whatever, and then we'd all drag back home. I just thought that wasn't the "quality of life" I was looking for with them. And with this last pregnancy and loss, I haven't been able to leave the house or play with them outside as much as I should, and I've basically been an emotional wreck for the last week, and that's not being a good mother either.

This whole deal sucks on so many levels and I guess its different for everyone. The only thing that's the same is the heartache and pain.[/b]
The only reason I say for those without children...is because I don't know the difference - I only know from my perspective.... I absolutely do think your story is valid & relates. After reading - it doesn't sound all that much different from what I feel other than the "snapping" out of it - very little goes on to snap me out of it. Perhaps that is why I tkae my teenage nieces so often right now. I am hoping that their energy & silliness & needing to make dinner, etc - keep me busy enough to have a little more light hearted stuff going on.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #6  
June 26th, 2006, 11:02 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
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I feel like I keep going back to square one. I passed "Go" but couldn't collect any money and now get to deal with the after affects of pg without the payoff of a baby (i.e. weight gain, gray hairs, etc).

I constantly worry that I'll never be a mommy with a child to hold. Heck...I was a Children's Pastor to 600+ kids and DH & I met while doing kid's ministry and we still don't have kids.

I guess what really hurts is the comments we get from people who don't know what we've been going through. Comments such as..."Must be nice to have all that free time", "Since you don't have any kids you aren't really a family", "Would you have kids already", "What are you waiting for", "Don't you think you've had enough 'couple' time?".

It's amazing how people can comment on my 6 years of infertility and now our 2 losses, but they don't realize that their comments are as uncalled for as me telling them how they should raise their kids!

DH & I always talked about having 2 kids but I would be thrilled with one child now.

Sorry, but I went off on a little bit of a rant there. Just last week while we were away a lady we met asked us if we had any kids and we said no. She then asked how long we had been married and when we said 8 years she asked what we were waiting for and that we had no idea what we were missing and then went on to bad mouth her sons! I was so close to blurting out that we had booked this vacation to help us heal and recover from a recent m/c but I bit my tongue!
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  #7  
June 26th, 2006, 07:26 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
I feel like I keep going back to square one. I passed "Go" but couldn't collect any money and now get to deal with the after affects of pg without the payoff of a baby (i.e. weight gain, gray hairs, etc).[/b]
Me too! That says it all. I was totally depressed to have to go buy new pants a size bigger this weekend. I don't think I even weigh any more than I used to, but my body has changed shape or something.

Quote:
Sorry, but I went off on a little bit of a rant there. Just last week while we were away a lady we met asked us if we had any kids and we said no. She then asked how long we had been married and when we said 8 years she asked what we were waiting for and that we had no idea what we were missing and then went on to bad mouth her sons! I was so close to blurting out that we had booked this vacation to help us heal and recover from a recent m/c but I bit my tongue![/b]
I posted this in another message, but it took my Dh's grandma seven years to conceive her first. She told me this weekend that she NEVER says that to anyone, because she had t said to her so many times. This was 60 years ago, but she's still really angry about it!
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  #8  
June 26th, 2006, 10:49 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
I have two living children, one is less than a month old and the other is 17. The big problem I have is that people ask me why I waited so long to have another. I dont really think it's everyones business to know about our losses and it puts us in the position of having to explain it.

I really like the analogy of "Groundhog Day". Over the past few years I felt like I was waking up in some strange nightmare. One minute I was pregnant and feeling all the symptoms and the next the baby was gone and I felt so empty. Then before I could allow myself to heal, I would be pregnant again and it would start all over again. This last pregnancy I decided to enjoy every last moment of it regardless of how it ended. I wanted the pregnancy experience.
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  #9  
June 27th, 2006, 08:46 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
I was totally depressed to have to go buy new pants a size bigger this weekend. I don't think I even weigh any more than I used to, but my body has changed shape or something.[/b]
ME too!
I am loosing weight - and yet I am poochier than ever in the belly & it makes me sad. I hate to admit (as it is embarassing) that I had someone ask me if I was pg. They nearly died when I said no (and so did I). They were trying to be happy for me & I couldn't really be mad - because I know I have gotten poochy in the tummy...and I might look pg in hte wrong outfit (threw away those pants - BTW). I think it is rough on your body to do this 3 times in a year.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #10  
June 27th, 2006, 09:06 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
My body has totally changed shape as well. I have to work much harder at losing weight and my clothes fit different. It's frustrating because I wouldn't mind one bit if I had a baby but all this up and down, emotionally, phyysically,every which way...ugh, it's liek stop already and just give me the prize, I've worked hard enough haven't I??!!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #11  
June 27th, 2006, 09:24 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I haven't made it back to yoga since my second loss and it's really showing! By the time I got clearance to go after the d&c, I wound up with bronchitis. At least that's giving me a bit of an ab workout, but is it really worth it? I did finish the steroids for my bronchitis this morning, so at least the munchies should quit...I hope! I'm only carrying an extra 8-10 pounds, but it's in all the most uncomfortable places.

Quote:
(threw away those pants - BTW)[/b]
LOL!! Brilliant solution!
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  #12  
June 28th, 2006, 09:48 AM
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Posts: 371
Beck,
Just wanted to return the same encouragement you have given me.. Remember that it has only been just over a year since your first loss. And to have lost 3 pregnancies in that short period of time is devastating.. There is no time limit on when the grieving process should be over. I guess I don't even think we ever will be completely over our losses.. But things WILL get easier..

Allow yourself the time to struggle with this and grieve. You deserve to let yourself heal. And while you are healing, we are all here to support you.

If there is ANYTHING I can do, please feel free to pm me.

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