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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
July 2nd, 2006, 01:00 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
We went out last night to my bro's & had a few drinks around the fire. I had a pretty good time overall. Then my SIL got into a conversation with me about someone loosing a baby...I truly know she did not think before she spoke, but I was kind of brushing off hte conversation in part because she was talking about a very young girl that is a friend of my nieces (16) and I really didn't want to talk about it at a night out..and plus that girl is again pg now & about 6 mos along. So as I was brushing off the conversation & trying to move on..here comes those words.."but I mean hers was a real baby..she was almost due".....silence. I couldn't believe after all I have dealt with, after everything - this is STILL the kind of lack of respect I get for what I have been through. So I figured all bets were off. I talked about every one of my losses after that. When she tried to offer some input (which was normally back #####ward) I simply said I get advice from you ladies here & I don't take it from those that haven't been thre - they have no clue what it feels like. I was very hinest * I was nice (I was actually impressed I was as nice as I was). She actually a couple times brought up things i haven't attended, etc about how pushing myself would help me to heal & I said "no it doesn't"... I esplained that others think they often know what is best for you & I literally did listen a it to that through the first 2 losses & all it did was open myself up to more hurt by those that were supposed to be supportive & loving. I said all they do is belittle my losses & act like "I need to get over it". I said I am as "over it" as I'm going to be & the sooner others figure out that big things like this change you..and I will not ever be who I used to be - the happier they are going to be. I am not worried about myself or where I am in healing. I accept that things ARE different for me now - they just are. Everyone can want this to have never happened, for my heart to not have been stomped on, but that isn't reality & everyone wishing for me to be back who I used to be is wasting their time. Maybe who I am right now isn't quite as silly, or light hearted, or carefree...but aside from nursing a broken heart, the rest of it is still there & I don't see why that isn't enough for all of you. Instead of supporting me & loving me - you constantly make me feel like I am not making enough progress for you all & I am done with it...if you wonder why I am not attending something - keep that in mind. I am enough just how I am today & if things never get any better than today - you need to queston yourself if that isn't good enough for you, because it is good eough for me. Well - believe it or not it appeared that it went over okay. We'll see. It'll probably be a whole new scandal now. I don't really care. I just can't believe after all this time - I still didn't loose a "real baby" to them.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
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The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
July 2nd, 2006, 01:49 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 194
Wow! Good for you - it sounds like you handled that perfectly. I bet it felt good to get that out. You should be really proud of yourself. A "real baby?" How stupid can people be? My hat's off to you, Beck.

Patricia
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2006, 02:57 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Thanks - now I will let you know if I get any "family fall out" over it.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #4  
July 2nd, 2006, 04:51 PM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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As long as I live, I will never understand family. It's like they feel that the shared blood gives them the right tho say and do things that cross a line. It can be so hard to get support from family when they don't think before they speak.

I think you handled yourself great! I can't believe she actually said "a real baby". My jaw dropped as I read that. Keep us posted if any drama unfolds.

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  #5  
July 2nd, 2006, 05:30 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
"As long as I live, I will never understand family. It's like they feel that the shared blood gives them the right tho say and do things that cross a line. It can be so hard to get support from family when they don't think before they speak."

Nykol-well put! I have ahd my fair share of family drama and that is one thign I never understand either!!!!

Beck- I am so sorry your SIL's ignorance showed it's ugly face...again...but I am so proud of you for how you handled yourself! You are such a strong woman...and you are good enough just as you are...more so...I wish you didn't have thes eheartaches and trials but it is part of your story and contributes to your depth...that is admirable.

For the record your 4 babies, Elaina, Ezekiel, Hannah Isabella, and Anthony Francis are real to me...and everyone else here on this board!
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  #6  
July 4th, 2006, 08:12 PM
srs srs is offline
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Posts: 2,421
Holy sh*t! I cannot believe she said that. Good for you for sticking up for yourself (and all of us) and your babies.

Someone told me recently that "once I have children, I'll stop thinking about my miscarriages." First off, those are my children, because I loved them and nurtured them and grieved for them. Secondly, none of us could ever forget our babies. We wouldn't be here if we could.

Quote:
I said I am as "over it" as I'm going to be & the sooner others figure out that big things like this change you..and I will not ever be who I used to be - the happier they are going to be. I am not worried about myself or where I am in healing. I accept that things ARE different for me now - they just are.[/b]
That describes it perfectly. Older, sadder, wiser, and there's no going back.
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  #7  
July 5th, 2006, 04:01 PM
candacesoon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,963
Beck,
OMG, I can't believe that your SIL said that to you. I know that people who haven't been through this think those things but usually they are at least half-way tactful. Your response was amazing. You inspire me, as usual.


Hugs,
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  #8  
July 10th, 2006, 10:46 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
I'm very impressed with your response to your SIL. I'd have b****slapped her! I'm glad she seemed receptive to what you said, too. Maybe this is the start of something good for you all.
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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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  #9  
July 10th, 2006, 07:45 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
Beckie, I am so proud of you for how you handled your SIL.. The whole "It's not like you lost a real baby" thing is what I'm struggling with, too.. So I think I can really relate.. I was saying earlier that it's so hard to grieve the loss of someone no one else ever knew.. It feels like once you get outside that small radius of just a few people (if you're lucky) who really feel it with you, everyone has this "Get over it already" attitude.. Well, I know and you know that your children were real.. They ARE real..

People make me so angry.. I feel for you, hun.. But again, I am so proud of you.. I hope this doesn't cause a huge fallout in the family.. But if it does, remember that you have us!
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
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