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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
July 3rd, 2006, 04:41 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Right now I am feeling in limbo. I don't know where I am heading in the TTC/don't TTC. We have looked into adoption - but I din't feel compelled to do anything with it right now. I feel I am healing fairly well emotionally - but of course I have my moments still. I love the awkward pause of friends I haven't talked to in a while of "How are you doing" with the look on their faces like they've eaten something that tastes bad. Joel can't seem to make up his mind about it all. I guess he wants to wait - but hten he doesn't want to use any precautions. What sense does that make. I think after all this time of TTC he has gotten alittle overly comfortable...so his brilliant thoughts are.."I would rather wait until Fall maybe ... but I don't care if it happens sooner"... and I think that there IS a bit of a difference there. I don't feel super strongly I suppose about one or the other - but I also want to do what is best for all of us & I have no clue what that is at times. There are days I feel ready, days that I don't. There are times (most times) that I want to just let go...and not think about any of it. But how can I? It invades everything, even my job choices. I'd like a new job...but what then? Most don't offer maternity leave until after a year...no insurance for 90 days.....yadda yadda... If I mc again - will they be understanding? I truly wish my income were secondary right now. I don't mind being the major earner in my house, except that it adds stress about what to do with all these mc's. If we had no history - this wouldn't really bother me.

So where are you...do you have a TTC plan? Are you waiting for testing? Are you waiting for healing? Do you have concerns about your job & medical leaves for your previous losses? Or anything else I have forgotten....

I guess I am just looking to see how we are each handling such decisions & internal questions. None of it is easy - but I figure with the great input of the ladies here - perhaps we can at least find some understnading & fresh perspectives.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
July 3rd, 2006, 06:08 PM
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I'm glad you're doing better, Beckie. I know what you mean about wanting to let go--it's easy to say and very hard to actually do it. The strange thing is, I actually have "let go" a couple of times in this journey, and it was then that I would get pregnant, have another loss, and get pulled right back in again. Maybe there is no letting go...

I have been trying to remember the few people we told about the pregnancy. I told my preacher this weekend that I had miscarried--it came up because I had talked to him about teaching a class at church this fall and I wasn't sure I would be able to do it since I was PREGNANT. Well, I told him this Sunday the class was back on because I was NOT PREGNANT anymore (the subheading to this thread did mention this, I hope.) He was very kind and we said a prayer together.

As for TTC, I'm on the pill for the next two months. That is, if I can stand the constant nausea and breast soreness. I asked my doctor for a specific kind/dosage of BC pill that I have taken before with NO symptoms. He insisted on giving me something much "better" and I have spent the last 9 nights on the verge of puking and my kids can't even sit on my lap and lean back on me because my breasts are so sore. But I digress...

I am working on other areas of my life right now. I have a large backlog of projects and worked on some today--I finished a quilt wall hanging (it sounds impressive but I really just bought a quilt panel and finished the edges on it) and am working on finishing some crocheted blankets to donate to the VA hospital this fall.

I actually feel at peace with things right now. I don't know yet where I'm going from here, but "here's" not a bad place to stay right now. At least I'm not on the verge of insanity anymore.
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  #3  
July 3rd, 2006, 07:25 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
(the subheading to this thread did mention this, I hope.)[/b]
Nope it didn't - thanks for the reminder - I editted.

I am glad you are doing some good projects.

I want to do some more paintings when I get alittle more time at home off the road. For now - over the long weekend I didn't feel like it - I just wanted to veg & pamper - so that's what I've been up to.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #4  
July 4th, 2006, 09:48 AM
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Emotionally I'm all over the place right now. Events from the last week have taken us by surprise and weren't planned, but if there's one thing I've learned these past 8 months is we can never truly plan anything.

I'm taking each day (heck...each hour for that matter) as it comes. I want to be excited, but I've built so many walls and feel like I can't truly get excited because of my track record so far. I'm terrified of another loss and I haven't even really grieved over the 1st or 2nd baby's yet. I feel like I've physically moved on but emotionally is a whole other story. I feel like I'm not being fair to my 2nd angel baby and moving on too quickly.

DH & I talked about counselling again and now we're just trying to figure out our schedules. DH has seemed a little distant lately and it's not like him. I wish I could get in his head. I've brought it up with him and he says he needs to talk it out but won't with me...which isn't like him at all. I'm hoping the counselling works for us.

I've gotten back into my hobbies again and enjoying myself (photography, gardening and cooking) but no matter how busy I keep myself, my mind always floods with memories and unanswered questions. It really is a process and I'm trying to learn along the way, but I feel like I don't realize I've learned something until I'm onto the next phase (does that make any sense)?

Did I mention that I'm freak out!?!
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  #5  
July 4th, 2006, 10:38 AM
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[quote]

That made me smile...i'm with you there girl! Isn't it funny how NOT being ont eh verge of insanity is an accomplishment

Right now (and I say that with caution) i am feeling better about ttc. Yes I had to go through a second surgery. I had a loss that wasn't suppose to ahppen (my last m/c due to car accident). But surprisngly right now I am ok.
I too would like to change jobs but I worry about the maternity leave thing. Like you Beck, i wish my income was secondary to my "happiness" I guess you could say...but is there really a job out there that would let me stay in bed the days i want ro daydream about my babies all day when i want...probably not. So i kinda do it anyways and get paid for it LOL! (show up to work physically but mentally and emotionally am not there).
We're bopth hoping to ttc when the dr gives me the clear next time I see him. I worry about actually getting pg...i worry that I will be a mess the entire pg and not enjoy one bit of it. I worry that there will be an underlying problem we didn't know about all along or that the surgery wasn't a success again and have another loss.
I know 2 people close to me (one's a friend and one's DH's best friends wife whom i don't care for all that much) who are pg and I get so upset by this. I get mad and sad that one (dh's friend wife) gets to have her first pg be a happy, naive, joyous one...and I get sad that that will NEVER be me.
Then other times I think about how much this last year and a half I have grown and what a better mother I will be because of it. Sometimes that makes me feel ok.
So again RIGHT now I'm cool...but tomorrow may be another story. Just last week I was an angry mess. Posting ridiculous rants and pulling the covers over my head every morning refusing to get up.
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  #6  
July 4th, 2006, 06:57 PM
srs srs is offline
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Well, I'm on vacation right now with about 40 of DH's extended family (no exaggeration), including a toddler, a pg woman, about 6 other young kids, and two women who have had 1 mc apeice, so I guess being here has me thinking even more than usual. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy vacation for me in some ways, but DH was really looking forward to it, so we came anyway.
Anyhow, I decided at 2am this morning that I was finished with ttc, but I was also finished with protection, which pretty much means that I can expect to be pg within 6 months or so (it hasn't taken us more than three months in the past). I want to wait for my first af to come (any day now, hopefully) and for our testing results to come back next week, but after that I'm going to try not to worry about it either way.
For me, this has been total instinct. I used to do exactly what the doctor told me, and I'm no better off than I was, so this time I think I'll do what feels right. Both ttc and birth control make me relive my losses, and I'm tired of planning, and hoping, and worrying. I know I'm strong enough to handle another loss if it happens, but what I can't handle is the daily stress of focusing on ttc, or trying to prevent a pg when all I really want is a baby.
It's not giving up, it's just healing, and maybe relaxing some. The interesting part is that all I really want to do now is have regular, unprotected, not ttc sex with DH, because he's my husband and I love him, not because we have some kind of plan. I don't know why that feels so important right now, but it just seems like the right thing to do. Who knows - maybe it's just hormones!
I really hate it now when people say, "Well, someday it will happen." Of course someday something will happen, whether it's full term pg or adoption, but really I find no comfort in that at all. I'm living for today, not years down the road.
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  #7  
July 5th, 2006, 03:30 PM
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I know mine is really recent but since it is mentioned here, we were thinking of waiting 1 cycle to TTC again. With me having PCOS it is even hard to get pregnant so the sooner we start trying, the sooner it might happen. DH is leaving the decision totally up to me. But last time we waited, it didn't happen for almost 3 years because I was so scared. My OB encourages getting right back in there ASAP. We are not 100% sure if we are going to go on clomid right away or not. Thinking about it. I was supposed to go on clomid my June cycle if it didn't happen by then and then we got wonderful news before I needed it. So over the next couple of days I am going to be talking to DH about this, see what he feels. I want his opinions too. I know he wants more kids but I don't know if 1 cycle will be too soon for him too.
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  #8  
July 5th, 2006, 06:46 PM
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My situation is different than most of you because I'm done with all of it. I thought I might want to try to have one more child but then decided it was too hard. After all, how many more losses could I have before having one more baby? I dont think I could deal with losing one now after having a healthy pregnancy and it would just do me in completely. So I guess that's it for me and my child bearing. I am after all 37 years old and on the back half of the child bearing years and the older I get the riskier it is for me and the baby. I really don't want to tempt fate. My DH will be getting a vasectomy this year so that we don't have to worry about it. My big worry is that before he has that done we will end up pg again and I will have to go through it all over again. If I could be sure that every pg would go smooth and be just like a fairytale I would never stop having babies because it's such a wonderful thing and a joyous miracle. But all of us here know that LIFE is not like a fairytale and GOD makes us work hard and earn our miracles. I have my miracle now and I think I'm happy with my two beautiful sons and maybe where I am now is a good place.
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  #9  
July 5th, 2006, 08:52 PM
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"I really hate it now when people say, "Well, someday it will happen." Of course someday something will happen, whether it's full term pg or adoption, but really I find no comfort in that at all. I'm living for today, not years down the road."

SRS-I am so with you on that one...well put! i always hated that saying and couldn't articulate why...you just did perfectly!
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  #10  
July 7th, 2006, 03:01 PM
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Quote:
i always hated that saying and couldn't articulate why...you just did perfectly![/b]
Well, I though of another reason (at 2am, which is apparently when I do all my thinknig ). I hate it because it's so easy for someone to say, "Well, someday things will work out," but I'm the one who has to live through the worry, the heartache, the fear, etc., in order to get to that someday, not them. Let's face it, none of us are going to be able to make it through a full term pg, let alone more than one, without nine months of worry and fear. THere's just no way around it. So for someone else to tell me that it's going to be okay just pisses me off. Are they going to be there for every cramp, for every time I check for blood? Of course not, so I don't want anyone to tell my it's going to be okay. Maybe in five years I'll have a great family with a couple of kids, but I've still got a long, hard road ahead of me to do so, and I'm sure not going to get their help and support on it.

Wow, this turned into a rant! I guess I've got a lot of anger about this.
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  #11  
July 7th, 2006, 03:15 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with you though - even if it's "ranting".

It is hard. People tell me all the time it will be fine. I know that in my heart I guess...maybe that's why it is all the more annoying. Like I don't need to be told that 20 yrs from now I will have made it through this & figured out some path...it's the figuring out, the being pg, the tests, the mc's, etc. that I deal with TODAY. It may be okay someday - but many days while you are in it are NOT okay. In fact they are downright horrible & unless someone else wants to step up to the plate & deal with all of it for me so I can go on hiatus & enjoy some time off - I don't need to hear it. How's that for a rant?

Right now in a perfect world, DH would be making a lot more money & have benefits...our debts would all be paid...I would have a big old belly & be shuffling around the house dreaming of what the baby will look like & whose eye she/he will have & picking out items for a nursery. Or better yet - without the first mc - I would be chasing around twins that would be crawling now & keeping me very very busy from sun up until I would drop into bed at the end of the day exhausted - but content. That is where I want to be. I know it is unrealistic & my life won't be that way ever - not in the way I am dreaming - carefree - hopeful - relaxed...but it is what I feel robbed of. I feel cheated quite often & I have to fight that - because even if it is true - it is the way things are & focusing on it doesn't seem to help me heal or find peace. I keep thinking htat somehow in the end things will be even better...like I've earned something really remarkable & someday the prize patrol will have to show up & give it to me ###### it! This all can't have been for nothing - just to end up with the same deal as everyone else gets without all the pain. I bet it is though - I think the only difference may be in my appreciation & I hope I haven't been so damaged by all this to even miss out on appreciating what I have by being too worried I will loose it all the time.

I feel better now - I think a rant can be very very cleansing.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #12  
July 7th, 2006, 07:17 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
This all can't have been for nothing - just to end up with the same deal as everyone else gets without all the pain. I bet it is though[/b]
Yeah, unfortunately I think you're right. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I'm probably a more compassionate person now, and unexpectedly, more confident in other areas of my life. I think once you've gone through what we've gone through, the rest just doesn't seem as scary. Either that or it's just the anger coming out in other places!

However, I think in the end it's just a crappy part of life, and we got stuck with it. I guess I've gone from a rant to a pity party. I hope to God it's PMS! I'm still waiting for af.
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  #13  
July 7th, 2006, 07:22 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I completely get what you mean about feeling stronger. I was always pretty confident, but htere is something inside me that is definitely a little more determined & strong willed going on. I find that I don't get intimidated by anything anymore as as you said I don't know if it's becasue I have lost any sense that these things eally matter as much as I once thought they did or if I am so pissed I just don't care. I don't even know if I care what the answer is. I guess I am jsut glad htat anything came out of it that feels good - because so much of it leaves me feeling at times like there are still pieces of me that may have been lost forever. I get by okay without them, but it would have been nice to not be left searching too.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #14  
July 9th, 2006, 11:13 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I seem to be almost through with my first AF (since March and two losses), so it's time to start thinking about whether I'm brave enough to ttc again now. I want to, but I'm so scared of another loss. I'm not sure whether the two losses have made me stronger or that I just don't care about other stuff as much now. I guess I'm in limbo right now. Maybe I'll go with the not trying/not preventing method and see what happens.
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  #15  
July 10th, 2006, 06:42 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
I'm not sure whether the two losses have made me stronger or that I just don't care about other stuff as much now. I guess I'm in limbo right now. Maybe I'll go with the not trying/not preventing method and see what happens.[/b]
That sounds exactly like me. In fact, DH was just walking by, and I told him he had to read your post. he said, "Are you sure that's not you?" I worry that I'm just numb, and that I'm not really thinking this through, but the fact is I think I just don't care what happens. If I get pg, I feel like the baby is on its own, at least in the first trimester, because obviously I have been no help to my other babies. If I don't get pg anytime soon, then that would be fine too.
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