Log In Sign Up

Grr...and to think she was a friend!?!


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 4th, 2006, 10:34 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
I have a friend who I've know since we were in the 5th grade. We were close growing up and she was in my wedding and I was in her wedding. Well we're kinda drifted since she got married. I saw some sides of her during her engagement that made me question our friendship (i.e. only inviting people who had money, registering for the most expensive items, pretending to come from money, ignoring true friends inpursuit of those who could give good gifts, etc).

Anyhoo...she's always tired to give the appearance that things come easy for her and when she started TTC she though it would happen the 1st month. After 2 months of her TTC I got pg but had an ectopic a week later. So she found out and tried to act all concerned and she emotionally drained me because her comments were almost backhanded and stung (i.e. at least you could get pg...it's taking me 2 months and nothing yet, I guess the baby wasn't meant to be, something must have been wrong with your tubes, etc).

She even went so far as to complain about another mutual friend of ours who had suffered 4 m/c's and wouldn't go to another friend's babyshower or visit the baby after it was born 3 weeks prior. Then she put me on the spot and said, "You'd never do something like that would you? That's so selfish to act that way." I nearly fell out of my chair and said with as much tact as I could muster, "I would happy for a friend but I can't speak for other people. Each person grieves and deals with a pg loss in their own way. I don't know what I would do in her situation, but I'm sure she did what was best for her." (Meanwhile I wanted to guage her eyes out!!!)

Well...in March she called to let me know that she was finally pg after TTC for a whole whopping 4 months, and had to tell me every little detail like how she felt like it was never going to happen and had to complain about her m/s and how her body was changing and she was loosing her waist, etc. (Keeping in mind: She's known that DH & I have been TTC for over 6 years and struggled with infertility and now pg loss).

She found out that I was pg through the grapevine and never called to congratulate me. She would call my best friend and try to get details from her and my best friend would only say if you want to know how Nicole's doing you need to call her for yourself and ask. Well...when she found out I had a m/c she never picked up the phone or replied to the email that I sent.

Then a week after my D&C her friend called to invite me to her baby shower!!! She also knew that I had just lost my 2nd baby and had a D&C the week before. Luckily a message was left so when I called to reply I got a voicemail recording as well and I said, "Thank you for the invite but I have other plans that day. Please send my best wishes."

Here's the kicker...my "friend" had told this lady to call me and invite me to her shower. I have no idea why she would even ask that I be invited since it was a shower being thrown for her by the ladies in her church which I don't even attend (or know anybody for that matter) and it's about an hour away! I know that I'll end up getting another invite to her 2nd shower in August since it will be thrown by a friend of hers. I'm taking this "gesture" like salt in a wound! I was in her wedding party and the bridal party never went to her shower thrown by the church (and we were fine with that) and yet she has to invite me to her baby shower???

Now she's just sent me a card saying how much she cares about me and wants to get together. I know she just wants to flaunt that she's 30 weeks and I'm not and has no real concern for me. I keep ignoring her and putting her off. It's taking every ounce of strength to not blowup at her. I wish she would leave me alone. I can't believe somebody could be like this. She has no idea what I'm going through and yet just says things that hurt. I'm trying to shake her loose (and maybe it's because I'm grieving and can't see through the pain to think straight) but I don't want to be near her.

So far I've managed to avoid her, but I know the blow up is coming. I guess I'm just sharing this because I need to get it off my chest and put it into writing. My thoughts are all over the place right now.
__________________
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 4th, 2006, 10:49 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Wow this girl pisses me off She is most certainly NOT a friend!

She probably had you invited to this shower #1 yes to flaunt her pg and #2 to get another gift since it seems that's the way she is.

Nicole, I really hope you can muster up the strength despite all you are feeling right now about your losses and cut her off. She is draining you adn upsetting you in ways that are unthinkable. I also do not know how anyone could be so mean and cruel.

You have enough to worry about right now. You have your emotional well being, your marriage, your grieving process...all this far outweighs this person. I knwo sometimes having history with people makes you feel like you have to maintain relationships but really do you? What will happen if she's not in your life? Will it be sad or releaving? I am thinking the latter....

You are such a kind hearted person. You don't deserve this. You know despite all yoru hardships you have more class, tact, empathy, and integrity in your little finger than this girl does in her whole body. ok yeah she gets a baby after ttc for 4 months and no m/c's....you will too in time but you also have character and that no one can take from you! Hold fast to your convictions...steer clear of hurt. You must be kind to you.
__________________
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 4th, 2006, 11:05 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Nicole - that stinks. I don't understand how some women can be so totally clueless. Up til now I think you have handled everything fine with her & I think that you only question your ability to think clearly now because people like her somehow tend to make us feel like we are the crazy ones. She is out of line in a number of ways...and I can't even begin to tell you how insensitive she sounds. It is not only okay, but healthy for ou to be questioning keeping her in your life right now. I often have had to decide if the time & energy I was investing in someone was worth it. After all there truly is a finite # of hours to the day & energy in your life. If someone makes you feel worse after interacting with them, if they make you feel drained of energy, if you feel you cannot lean on them when you are struggling - what good are they in your life? Of course I would rahter be giggling with a friend over coffee - but if today she needs my shoulder instead (and maybe a shot a vodka) I'm okay with that too & I measure my friendships by what we each can offer whether it's jsut having the same sense of humor or having eachother's back. It sounds to me like she doesn't have much to offer as a real friend other htan a history. I am sorry that she has caused you additional pain at a time that is already so hard for you. I don't think anyone shoud have to put up with that - especially from a "friend".
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 4th, 2006, 11:42 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Thanks...It's so true Beck. She is making me question if I am the crazy one. It's amazing how we can give people so much power in our own lives to make us feel bad.

You've both raised some good questions that has made me think. I can't remember the last time we just hung out and had fun, or had a good talk without my guard being up. I don't have the patience or the energy to deal with her. I can't even stomach the thought of visting with her. I can't think of what she has added to our friendship in years (expect for some gossip).

It's true...I'm holding onto history and not much more. I guess the time has come to do some friendship housecleaning. I hate this part since we have so many mutual friends and our circles are close. This is going to have a ripple effect for sure (which is what I hate and I'm such a people pleaser), but I need to focus on me right now.

Thanks again for the advice. You both have such a way for keeping things in perspective. I'm going to wait a bit to simmer down and gather my thoughts (which will probably take a couple of months) before I say anything. I would hate to say something in the heat of the moment. She's got hormones raging right now and I've got some sort of hormone thing going onto of grieving which makes for an "unbalanced Nicole" right now. Maybe by my saying something will shack her back to her old self? (One can wish right?)

I truly value my close friends and would give the shirt off my back for them. I love to have good laughs and cries with them and treasure the things we get to endure together. I know life isn't always perfect but going through the hard times with a close friend really helps. I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know and understand (I have so many walls up, and come across as quiet and sometimes people interprete that as snobby for some reason) but when a person has the patience to work through this I'm a friend for life with unconditional understanding and love. However because of this I used to be a doormat for people and they would walk all over me. I'm now learning my lesson and working on these issues.

It's amazing how much better I feel to get it out and talk about it. I actually feel sorry for her. I don't know what happened to her that she turned her so materialistic and nasty. It's really sad to see and I feel bad for her. Maybe this could turn into her wakeup call. (There I go again...trying to be nice and see the positive but a girl can hope, right?!?)
__________________
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 4th, 2006, 12:07 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Friendship hoursecleaning is one of the hardes things to do...I've done it a few times myself. I think it's excellent to wait till you've simmered down some before saying anything. then when the opportunity presents itself you can address it. As with the ripple effect...my guess is you aren't the only one who's seen this girls colors as of late...I bet you'll find a lot of people will understand your need to distance yourself from her. Sure she'll be at some mutual friend's b-day party...but so will 20 other people whom you can enjoy instead and just steer clear.
I call people like her "toxic"...they infest your soul almost, making you question yourself, your feelings, affecting your actions in negatives ways. just like a bad bacteria! LOL!
I too love my friends...i ahve a lot of them and I always say "you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends"...choose wisely whom you let in because unfortunately not everyone is as well intentioned as we are.
Best of luck. Oh and the feeling sorry for her thing...Beck would be proud of you for that. It's something she taught me to try...feeling pity for someone rather than anger. It's true she has a lot of saddness in her life that makes her act this way. Where you draw the line is recognizing it and then not allowing her to permiate you with this, taking responsibility for it, and trying to fix it. That's on her.
__________________
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 4th, 2006, 01:30 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Great words of wisdom yet again Norina!
__________________
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 9th, 2006, 11:38 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Maybe you can just manage to quietly drift away from her. I'm a doormat/people-pleaser, too. I had someone I considered to be a best friend until her wedding. Instead of picking her friends to be in the wedding, she picked all her pretty acquaintences with rich parents instead. The guest list was limited to those with money and people were actually invited to showers, but not to the wedding so she could get more gifts! Most of her real friends wound up as "honorary" bridesmaids (I'm giving benefit of the doubt that she felt at least some guilt here). When I arrived at the wedding, her mother actually asked me to pin flowers on the honorary ladies - a list I didn't manage to make it onto. Yet I was good enough to be the only one my friend asked for help from the entire evening. Seeing where I fit in her priorities made it really easy to drift away. She wasn't worth my time. I just stopped returning her calls and if I managed to answer when she called, I'd find a reason to get off quickly. She finally quit calling.

I'm sorry you're in this position, Nicole. Do what's right for you when it feels right to do it.
__________________
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:51 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0