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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
October 28th, 2011, 06:29 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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Thats what I'm on right now. DH has me so confused that I don't even know what way is up. He's ok with TTC then doesn't want anymore kids, Then he's ok with adoption then he doesn't want anymore kids, Then when I tell him that if he doesn't make up his mind I'm seriously thinking about leaving him and having my family with someone else he is ok with TTC again. I seriously don't know what to believe anymore. I know I want more kids and I know that he loves kids but he is so set against them. I think he is afraid of another loss or difficult pregnancy. But he won't say that. He won't say ANYTHING. I love him and I really want my family with him. But I just want to have at least one more. If I can't carry to term then I will accept that but I want that chance! No matter what I plan to adopt someday. But I would like to have another BIO child if possible. I just really didn't know where else to put this and I know you ladies are always supportive. Thanks
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  #2  
October 28th, 2011, 10:38 AM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I understand where your DH is coming from in the sense that I am so terrified by the idea of another loss that I did and still do sometimes change my mind a lot.
How long has this been going on? I can see your most recent loss is still pretty recent (4 months) and four months after losing Rose I was still a basketcase, changing my mind daily between trying again, stopping for good (I even did research on tubal ligation!), adopting, embracing a childfree lifestyle and of course... trying again.

Can't you give him some time? Time was really what I needed most. I only really settled on what I wanted 4 months after my last loss and a whole 11 months after the loss that hit me the hardest (the 3d).

Another factor is that you already have a child, and it sounds like he is weighing the happiness he already has against the misery of trying and failing to have another child. Adoption isn't easy either. It sounds to me like he is trying to decide if it's worth it to him to go through all that for maybe years when he could be living a fulfilled, happy life with his wife and child.

I also don't know what is involved in "trying" for you guys. Is it having unprotected sex around ovulation? Or is it IVF? Or somewhere in between. That is also a major factor if your financial situation is tight.

At any rate I would suggest looking into marriage counselling since it sounds like you two aren't really communicating on this issue, and since you are considering leaving. I don't think it's fair play in a relationship to use the "I might leave you" card.
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  #3  
October 28th, 2011, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lex&angels View Post
I understand where your DH is coming from in the sense that I am so terrified by the idea of another loss that I did and still do sometimes change my mind a lot.
How long has this been going on? I can see your most recent loss is still pretty recent (4 months) and four months after losing Rose I was still a basketcase, changing my mind daily between trying again, stopping for good (I even did research on tubal ligation!), adopting, embracing a childfree lifestyle and of course... trying again.

Can't you give him some time? Time was really what I needed most. I only really settled on what I wanted 4 months after my last loss and a whole 11 months after the loss that hit me the hardest (the 3d).

Another factor is that you already have a child, and it sounds like he is weighing the happiness he already has against the misery of trying and failing to have another child. Adoption isn't easy either. It sounds to me like he is trying to decide if it's worth it to him to go through all that for maybe years when he could be living a fulfilled, happy life with his wife and child.

I also don't know what is involved in "trying" for you guys. Is it having unprotected sex around ovulation? Or is it IVF? Or somewhere in between. That is also a major factor if your financial situation is tight.

At any rate I would suggest looking into marriage counselling since it sounds like you two aren't really communicating on this issue, and since you are considering leaving. I don't think it's fair play in a relationship to use the "I might leave you" card.
Very well said.
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  #4  
October 28th, 2011, 09:10 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Lex. Also, want to give you big .
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  #5  
October 28th, 2011, 09:16 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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*hugs*
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  #6  
October 29th, 2011, 07:11 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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Thank you all.

Lex- Our insurance won't pay for marriage counceling and pastors in my area won't councel us because I'm not Christian. And the last loss was 4 months ago but he was never bothered by it. It's a long story. I was the one heart brroken by it. TTC for us mean meds and IUI And we are in a better financhial situation now than we were when we tried for our Daughter. And trust me. I love my husband more than anything. I do not take the decsion to possibly leave lightly. But If I can't have a CHANCE at the family I want then I will. Maybe it's not what anyone else here would do but I've been through so much with his other kids in the last 6 years that I at least deserve to try for the family I want.
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  #7  
October 29th, 2011, 01:20 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShesaDreamer View Post
Thank you all.

Lex- Our insurance won't pay for marriage counceling and pastors in my area won't councel us because I'm not Christian. And the last loss was 4 months ago but he was never bothered by it. It's a long story. I was the one heart brroken by it. TTC for us mean meds and IUI And we are in a better financhial situation now than we were when we tried for our Daughter. And trust me. I love my husband more than anything. I do not take the decsion to possibly leave lightly. But If I can't have a CHANCE at the family I want then I will. Maybe it's not what anyone else here would do but I've been through so much with his other kids in the last 6 years that I at least deserve to try for the family I want.
HUGS!

I wouldn't even say yes to DH if he wouldn't consider two more kids in addition to DSS. So I'm right there with you. We even decided if we do not have two (for age, or financial reasons) he will get the snip because there's no reason to have me sterilized when it's him putting the stop on it.
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7 ~ beta negative (< 3)
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  #8  
October 31st, 2011, 03:45 PM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't know then. I'm sorry you have to go through this and how hard a decision it must be.

I just remembered a book that I found really helpful, it's "adopting after infertility". It has two parts, one is a very long, detailed part about the process of deciding to adopt, or try again, or stop altogether and communicating with your spouse during this process. It is the best book I have read on the topic. The second part is obviously about adopting, I didn't even read it until 4 months after buying the book since we spent so much time as a couple going through the process.
It can't entirely replace counselling, and you both must be willing to go through the process and communicate, but it really does help.
It has several "steps", one where you each do a lot of introspection on what really matters to YOU (without communicating, this is about finding out what really matters and why), and the next step is taking a couples' "retreat" for a week-end to discuss these findings and create a plan.

We never did marriage counselling, but my therapist charged only a little more to have both of us in the room to talk after losing Rose. Perhaps if you don't get marriage counselling but instead go see a regular therapist to discuss this particular issue? I don't know, I guess it's different everywhere. It's expensive, but less than IUI and less than divorce.
Either way, here is the link to the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Adopting-After...0097138&sr=8-1

ETA: The book doesn't mention miscarriage grief much at all, 99% is "classic" can't-get-pregnant infertility. I still found it helpful though since the process was still good. The adoption section may not be as useful if you don't live in the USA (I don't, so other books were more helpful to me in that respect)
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Last edited by Lex&angels; October 31st, 2011 at 03:55 PM.
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  #9  
October 31st, 2011, 10:18 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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Ugh. As if what you're going through isn't enough, to have to deal with his waffling and guessing at his real feelings must be driving you crazy. All I can say is that men deal with loss differently than women. They show it differently too. There were subtle clues with my husband, he wouldn't talk about what was wrong, he simply let it show around the edges. So you say your SO wasn't bothered by the last loss, but do you think maybe he was, and is just reacting differently than you? Since counseling isn't on your insurance, possibly you could buy a book on conflict resolution and go through it together? Or just sit down with him and ask point blank, I only want to have children with you if that's truly what you want - so please take some time, think about what you really want, and let me know what you decide. That will take the pressure off him somewhat at the moment but forces him to get back to you with a real response. Hopefully he will respond honestly and you could move on from there? just a thought!
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  #10  
November 1st, 2011, 12:43 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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Well we have been talking about it more recently and we are going away for the weekend just us and We will talk about it more then. He says that part of his problem is the fact that his older 2 kids are really destructive. But that is lack of dicipline on his part. For years when I would dicipline them he would say I was too harsh and let them get by so now we have 2 little disrespecting brats that no one can control. (and yes I jsut called my stepsons brats. thats how they act so I tell it like it is.)
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