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Can I just cry for a minute?


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
November 22nd, 2011, 07:04 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I seriously just want to cry. I've pretty much given up on having another baby, and most days I'm okay with that. Now, I think I might have to give up. Through this entire, nearly 6 year process, DH has been my cheerleader, always telling me that no matter what happened, we'd be okay.

Yesterday we were at WalMart waiting to pick up a game that released at midnight. When we went past the baby section I saw this adorable little outfit and instantly said "Who do we know with a itty bitty girl, or one on the way that I can buy this for?" DH got kind of quiet and then said "I always thought we'd be buying for our own one day. It's really kind of looking like that isn't going to happen though, isn't it?" I told him I had basically given up. That I really didn't believe anymore that it would happen. Then I said "We're still okay even if it doesn't right?" Now, I am still looking through the clothes when I asked this, and when he said "maybe" I thought he was teasing. I turned with a grin and said "maybe, huh?" He got quiet, walked around for a minute and then came back and said "yeah.... I think so."


I think so?!? MAYBE?!? What the HELL? So now.... just when I thought things were the best they have ever been, he's questioning things? He points out that I have had kids before, and that he did get his ex pregnant, and maybe things would have been okay there (she terminated the pregnancy and told him it was his fault). Then he says.... "maybe we just aren't supposed to have kids with each other. Maybe we messed up. Maybe we would be happier, and both have kids....with other people."

WHAT.......THE........HELL? Today, he acts like that conversation never happened. I just walked away last night. I was in shock, we were in public, and I didn't know how to react. I don't for an instant believe he is seeing someone else. He doesn't have time. We are both in school, together, and we are together nearly 24 hours a day. The only day we aren't together is Wednesdays, and he is with the kids then.

Ironically enough, part of the reason I want to cry is because maybe walking away wouldn't be such a bad thing. I don't know. I don't know what to think other than that I know I don't want to be with him if he isn't sure he wants to be with me. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, and I don't even want to talk to him about it right now. After Christmas and the first of the year when the kids are back in school and the holidays are over I am going to DEMAND that we talk about this. I really kind of think that my marriage is over though. And I just want to cry. Not even because it upsets me that bad though...... more because I feel like a loser. I can't get pregnant and stay that way. I can't get married and stay that way. I'm 31 and I've lost 2 husbands, a fiance and 8 babies. What is wrong with me?
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  #2  
November 23rd, 2011, 05:18 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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there isn't anything wrong with you sweetie. I wish I knew what more to say. But all I can offer is my support.
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  #3  
November 23rd, 2011, 06:45 AM
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Oh Steph! There is nothing wrong with you. You are an incredibly sweet woman that I feel honored to know.
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  #4  
November 23rd, 2011, 06:50 AM
Addaboy's Avatar Veteran
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UGH! What a jerky thing for him to say. Definitely, there needs to be some more talking on this. I say brush it off until after the holidays. That way you can have a "normal" holiday season & then start fresh for the new year with the talk. Maybe he was just overwhelmed with sadness & his words came out without him thinking. I know when I'm at a low point, I say things I don't mean...it's just the way I deal with the sadness. ((HUGS))
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  #5  
November 23rd, 2011, 08:28 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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*HUGS*

I'm at a loss for words. Usually I can pull some pretty decent ideas outta my butt, but right now I'm in full mode. I can say, there is NOTHING wrong with you Steph and he needs a kick in the head for being a jerk!

Definitely bring it back up after the holidays and hash it out, what he said was just awful!
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  #6  
November 23rd, 2011, 08:59 AM
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Thanks ladies. If it weren't for my kids, I would have bought the stuff and changed the locks on the doors that night, and he could have had a fun time trying to find a ride home from WalMart. The kids are crazy about him though, and it will break their hearts to go through ANOTHER divorce. The first one was hard enough. This time they are older....my son doesn't even remember living with his dad, and they don't like him anyway. They love Matt. After A LOT of thinking about this, I can honestly say that I am only here right now because of them. I don't know what will happen after the first of the year, but if it weren't for my kids, he would be celebrating the holidays ALONE.
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  #7  
November 23rd, 2011, 09:04 AM
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I just wanted to give you my support. I don't have anything to say.
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  #8  
November 23rd, 2011, 12:06 PM
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Awww I'm so sorry your having to go through this crap right now. I wish i could say i've been there but my situation was totally different! But dont for one second belive its anything you did or that something is wrong with you. There isn't a thing wrong with you its HIM who has a problem, For not wanting to be with such a wonderful woman like you and be there for you children! He should love you no matter what - whethere you can or can't have a child with him. Yes you both want it, but if its not ment to happen it wont and he should still love you any way, and if he doesn't or doesn't think he can "handle" being with you because of it - he was never ment to be there! I hope you get some answers at the beinning of the year you deserve it! ******HUGS********** PM me if you need to talk more - We are all here for you!
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  #9  
November 23rd, 2011, 12:34 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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God, what a horrible thing to say! In public no less! Like a slap in the face... it sounds like he was angry about something... maybe he's going through the 7 stages of death (people experiencing miscarriage go through them too). And maybe he's at anger. I might let it go for awhile, but I hope you can talk about it at some point when you're both calm. Hugs. It must be so hard to go through miscarriage and on top of that, not have the support of your DH.
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  #10  
November 23rd, 2011, 05:47 PM
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I just wanted to offer (((HUGS)))
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  #11  
November 23rd, 2011, 08:50 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks ladies. We tried to talk a little bit about it today and I ended up even more angry than I already was. He basically said I took it the wrong way and that he doesn't mean that we should split up but that we should have decided differently BEFORE we got together. (because I planned on dealing with miscarriage and infertility for 6 years apparently.) He says I am being unreasonable and that his words shouldn't have upset me. Then he said "It was late, and I wasn't thinking clearly. It was a slip of the tongue. I obviously didn't mean it."

In the end of the conversation, I was more upset than I was yesterday, and he is mad because I am upset. He keeps saying we are fine, but honestly, I think we are anything but fine. I'm not going to touch it again until the first of the year. My kids deserve a good holiday, but judging by his reaction today, I don't see it going well when we do talk.

There have been other instances recently where he just seems very angry. I don't know why. I don't know what's causing it because he won't talk to me. I ask him to do something simple (like get something down off the cabinets because I can't reach) and he acts annoyed or yells at me. I ask him why he is yelling at me and he yells that he hasn't yelled and that I am overreacting. I have no idea what to think anymore. He obviously is no longer happy (for whatever reason) but he's making me miserable too and that isn't fair. If things don't change soon, I really don't think we'll be able to salvage the marriage.
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  #12  
November 23rd, 2011, 10:32 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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You just summed up my relationship with my DH. I hope you guys can work things out. Infertility is rough on a couple, but so is having & raising kids, so whatever issues he has, he needs to get over it! I hate the angry knee-jerk reaction, I deal with that every day, and it's only gotten worse.
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  #13  
November 25th, 2011, 06:45 AM
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