Log In Sign Up

On a scale of 1 to 10


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 7th, 2006, 04:30 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Could you rate hte kind of support you have received overall from those in your regular life?

1 --- meaning not only did I not get support, but what I got made it much worse

10---meaning I couldn't have asked for better support & felt completely embraced & allowed to express whatever I felt all the time & validated for those feelings.


You can do it separate for Dh if you want him in a category alone...or like for me I had one siter that was particularly sweet to me..so I will list her alone - but I wanted to get an overall idea of how people feel they were supported/unsupported through their losses... (and please DON'T include the support you have gotten online or through a therapist/support group - unless you list it separately. I want an idea of how well those in yor regular life responded to your needs).

_______________________________________


For me I would rate my overall support (grouping all 3 mc's together & taking an average) as a 3
Dh overall was a 7
My one sis overall was a 8
The rest of them were near a 1 most of the time & at a high might be a 3 & I actually felt I got less support with each subsequent loss.

_________________________________________


I think there is a VAST lack of undertanding & support in society for this kind of loss & what it means to a woman. I would love for there to better wareness out there - but I am not sure how to facilitate that. I have written now several times to both Oprah & Dr phil (out of lack of a better idea) to try & get them to have mc as a show topic - but have not even received anything more than an auto response thanking me for writing the show..blah, blah , blah

I was thinking of starting an online petition perhaps to show support for this as a show topic - What does anyone else think..really? Do you think it would even matter if we got a couple hundred "signatures"?? Do you think people just don't want to think about it? etc, etc.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 7th, 2006, 05:36 PM
Sharon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,170
DH overall was an 8
The few friends who even remembered to be supportive a 2

The general idea around here (among the friends...DH is pretty great) is that it wasn't a baby, after all, it was only a short pregnancy. How can I grieve when I don't even know what I lost, since I don't have any children...etc, etc, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 7th, 2006, 05:36 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,667
DH=9.5
Family and close friends=8
General public=2

I am just glad my mother didn't say all the stupid things she usually says when I have m/cd in the past. She tried so hard to be sympathetic. Usually she says "You can always have more kids IF YOU REALLY WANT TO" and this time she said "Two kids are great. You're lucky to have two good kids." All in all this time was not as bad as some of the previous ones for me.

I think people just don't even know what we're going through. I would like to see a little more publicity about this kind of thing too. I was thinking of trying to start a support group through my church, maybe for infertility and miscarriages since I've experienced both, but I don't know if anyone around here cares but me. It's kind of a private topic. If you have a petition, I'll be glad to sign it.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 7th, 2006, 05:53 PM
Saigon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Dyess AFB, Texas
Posts: 2,517
me ex husband was an 8 his work was a 7 everyone else was a -5
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 7th, 2006, 06:51 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,479
Okay, here I go again. I had it typed out once and ready to post and then I don't know what button I hit, but it closed JM !

I have to start by saying that most people don't know that I have been p/g 3 times, they only know about the one (since I have a son). I have always wanted to wait to tell anyone about being p/g until after the first trimester was over. I don't know why, but I started doing this with my first p/g.

My DH I would have to rate as a 7 or 8. He was there for me emotionally, even though it isn't something that I really want. I have an easier time crying when I am alone then I do when someone is around (even DH). So, although he wanted to be there for me, I think in the end it just bothered him that I wasn't being as emotional as he thought that I should be. Also, when I was actually m/c, he didn't really 'get' it. He didn't really understand that when I told him that I needed him to watch our son that I wasn't capable of doing it at that time and really needed him to do it. He didn't really 'get' what I was going through physically.

The other people that knew about my p/g / m/c - my boss, my mom, his mom, my dad, my grandma, my 2 sisters, and my brother (not even all of our close family - including parents know that I have had 2 m/c) I would have to rate as a 4 or 5. Although they haven't been too supportive, I haven't really asked for support. However, when they found out, they all said that they were sorry and pretty much left it at that. I haven't gotten most of the hurtful comments that others have. So, I would have to count them as more supportive if they aren't doing anything that is causing me more hurt. The only hurtful comment that I have heard was from my grandma (who had several m/c herself), but she started saying "Maybe you aren't meant to have any more kids" even before I was p/g the first time (obviously she didn't say "more" then, though).

I think that it is much easier for me to come here for support than it is for me to get support in my real life. Everyone here understands what I am going through and can validate my feelings. You don't hear anything here that you would interpret as being hurtful when all the other person was trying to do was be helpful. I am also a loner, so it is easier for me to come here and read and cry than it is to try to explain myself to someone else and try to get them to sympathize with my situation (not that I am asking for sympathy, but someone that can identify with me).

As for getting this on a talk show, I would be all for signing a petition, but I don't think that it would do too much good. It doesn't really seem that the general public is interested in this, they just want to keep it 'swept under the rug'. Heck, it doesn't really seem at times that doctors are too keen on talking seriously about m/c either. After all, most of us have had to go looking for information about what choices are best for us when it came to our m/c and after care- I don't think that too many of us had information volunteered to us about our situations (from our doctors). Our babies weren't as 'real' to them as someone who died from a disease or was murdered. Now, if you could get a celebrity to go on a talk show and talk about a m/c that they or their s/o had then there would be potential, because then people would see it like 'if it could happen to them, then it could happen to me too'. It is sad, but that is the way I think the world is.
__________________







10/31/05 (EDD 5/15/06), 4/17/06 (EDD 11/13/06)
Chemical p/g 1/11/08

















Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 7th, 2006, 08:27 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
Now, if you could get a celebrity to go on a talk show and talk about a m/c that they or their s/o had then there would be potential, because then people would see it like 'if it could happen to them, then it could happen to me too'. It is sad, but that is the way I think the world is.[/b]
I think you are absolutely right - but how on earth do you get a celebrity to do that??? I imagine there are some that have had this - they say recurrent loss happens in about 1 in 100 couples, so there has to be someone. I wish I knew who - I swear at this point I feel so determined I'd write to them & see if they answered..and I am not a celebrity writing kind of girl...not to mention it is an awkward thing to try & ask someone.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 7th, 2006, 08:52 PM
srs srs is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
For me:

DH: 5 the first time, 9 the second
My family: 5
Inlaws: 7
Work: 4
Doctors: 3

In general, I've stopped talking about it to all of these people except DH, so these marks are on the high side simply because no one is actively being a jerk. They're also not giving me any support to speak of. They don't bring it up, and I've stopped bringing it up because I don't think anyone wants to hear about it anymore.

Regarding the celebrity discussion, the only one I can think of recently that was in the news was Martine McCutcheon, who is British (she was Hugh Grant's girlfriend in the movie Love Actually). Otherwise, people don't seem to talk about it much. Anyhow, if you'd like to read about it here's a link. http://212.58.226.40/1/low/uk/539596.stm

There's a local group near where I live called Heartstrings that has an annual memorial walk and a one on one support program for people who have had infant loss from conception to one year. We're definitely planning to do the walk this year, and I may try to get matched to someone for support (although honestly I get such great support here that I haven't felt the need to start that too). If you'd like to check them out, maybe to do something similar in your area, their website is http://www.heartstringsgso.org/index.html.
__________________
Sara

Need Breastfeeding Support?





Reply With Quote
  #8  
July 7th, 2006, 10:12 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
There's a local group near where I live called Heartstrings that has an annual memorial walk and a one on one support program for people who have had infant loss from conception to one year. We're definitely planning to do the walk this year, and I may try to get matched to someone for support (although honestly I get such great support here that I haven't felt the need to start that too). If you'd like to check them out, maybe to do something similar in your area, their website is http://www.heartstringsgso.org/index.html.[/b]
I think that is lovely - I visited their site. Perhaps I will see about something similar in my area (although I have heard of nothing) and if not - maybe someday I can help to coordinate something like it - I would think it would be very moving.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




Reply With Quote
  #9  
July 8th, 2006, 10:10 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Quote:
Quote:
Now, if you could get a celebrity to go on a talk show and talk about a m/c that they or their s/o had then there would be potential, because then people would see it like 'if it could happen to them, then it could happen to me too'. It is sad, but that is the way I think the world is.[/b]
I think you are absolutely right - but how on earth do you get a celebrity to do that??? I imagine there are some that have had this - they say recurrent loss happens in about 1 in 100 couples, so there has to be someone. I wish I knew who - I swear at this point I feel so determined I'd write to them & see if they answered..and I am not a celebrity writing kind of girl...not to mention it is an awkward thing to try & ask someone.
[/b]
I believe courtney Cox and Demi morre have both ahd m/c's....just an fyi. I think courtney might be more willing to talk about this whole thing because last time I talked to her...LOL JK...I saw ehr on dateline or something talking about the infertility part of it years ago before my m/c's so i didn't pay much attention (typical person we're talking about) but if it were on now I'd totally watch it.
__________________
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
Reply With Quote
  #10  
July 8th, 2006, 11:42 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,667
Aside from the whole celebrity talk--I think another reason it's not discussed much is because 1) People in general have an attitude of "That'll never happen to me"--that was my thinking, before it actually happened to me or 2) Women are scared that if they think about it too much or worry about it, that then it WILL happen to them. I don't know what to do about these attitudes, but that's what I think part of the "conspiracy of silence" is about.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #11  
July 9th, 2006, 10:56 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
1st m/c:
Dh- 5
Work- 7
Friends- 4

2nd m/c (twins):
Dh-3
Work-7
Friends-2

3rd m/c:
Dh- 8 (thank God)
Work-7 (pretty consistent...but they are all therapists so that might have something to do with it)
Friends-4
Family (this is the only m/c I let them know about while it was happening)- 5
__________________
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
Reply With Quote
  #12  
July 9th, 2006, 11:41 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Overall I'd say my support was about an 8. There were a few who were on the insensitive side, but most were supportive. They were probably actually a 10, but I wouldn't let them around me much, so I said 8.

As for raising awareness, I'm all for it. There's no reason for the stigma of m/c to exist in this day and time. After my first m/c, I was shocked to learn that it occurs in at least 20-25% of known pregnancies. I think if an Oprah or Dr. Phil type of show wants to cover the topic, they'll find a way to market it to be interesting to the majority. If you start a petition, I'll sign it.
__________________
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:08 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0