Log In Sign Up

I just posted this on a PTSD board


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
January 14th, 2012, 09:42 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Be warned, this is incredibly depressing. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD.

Quote:
Hi. I'm Rebecca. I'm in my thirties, a stay at home mom to an active two year old boy, I'll call him G. Clever, I know. I used to be a social worker, providing therapy to childen and adolescents mostly. Three years ago next month, my son E was born. I was 5 months pregnant. On a Thursday they saw a problem on an ultrasound, Friday they confirmed it was fatal, Monday we checked into the hospital and induced labor, Tuesday morning, very early, he was stillborn. The autopsy confirmed the problem. Due to a medical condition I didn't know I had, E did not have kidneys.

We treated the problem and 7 months later I was pregnant again, this time with triplets. Again, two were ill. This is apparently common in triplets. Again, we terminated, to save the other baby, my son G. One of the triplets died on her own. I can still hear our doctor say "she's gone into asystole", very quietly. For more than a month, at our weekly ultrasound, we could see our now, much healthier son bouncing away, his brother and sister floating there, silent. I still worry that my son was lonely. But we focused on G. As soon as he was born, everything would be okay.

Everything was not okay. The anesthesia failed during the c-section. I felt everything. They pulled G out. He was having a seizure, not breathing. They rushed him off to the NICU. I kept bleeding in recovery, couldn't see him. I made a ruckus and got to go. There he was. With wires and tubes and machines dinging. A metabolic disorder. Maybe 6 months they said. My son does not like limits, and he loves playing tricks. He came home after 12 days a perfectly healthy kid. No one knows what happened, but I'm not going to ask too many questions.

Me? Well of course there is the preexisting bipolar type 1 and generalized anxiety disorder. So Acute Stress Disorder. Post partum depression. Then serious anxiety problems. Now a depressive episode, major, since the summer. My therapist. My shrink. A battery of meds. Med changes. Phototherapy. Stress induced hair loss. Worsening of my many health problems. Marital stress. Amenorrhea. Social anxiety. I relived the last week of E's life Every Day. I can't stop it. Over and over. I can't fall asleep. "She's gone into asystole." The sadness in my doctor's voice in the quiet room. I hear it. The guilt. It's my fault. I made them sick. I signed the papers. I let the doctors do it. I can't cry. Why can't I cry anymore?

Depression and anxiety aren't the problems. They're the symptoms.

Sorry for the wall of text. Thank you for reading it.
Maybe it's PTSD, maybe thats why I can't get better.
__________________



Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!


Reply With Quote
  #2  
January 14th, 2012, 11:37 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 10,800
I'm so sorry. I know nothing I say will take the pain away, but we're here to listen. I haven't gone through anything like that but if you need to, feel free to message me.
__________________
- 03/28/10 09/'10 06/'11, D&C July 20 Apr/'12

Baby girl born Feb 2013






Reply With Quote
  #3  
January 15th, 2012, 06:38 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
It's weird, but I'm hoping it's PTSD. That would explain why I'm not getting better, only worse. I was diagnosed bipolar 11 years ago, and there's never been a depressive episode I couldn't beat. Maybe this is the answer. Maybe the depression is the symptom. Maybe it's like a sinus infection - decongestants will make your nose less stuffy, but the problem will always come back if I don't get antibiotics. (I happen to have a sinus infection right now, hence the random analogy).

I really don't care what it is, as long as I can fix it.
__________________



Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!


Reply With Quote
  #4  
January 15th, 2012, 07:59 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In the Wild and Wonderful
Posts: 4,844



I know how you feel with the depressive episode you just can't kick. I hope things get better.
__________________
Me 26

DD A:3 Autism, Global Developmental Delays


Reply With Quote
  #5  
January 15th, 2012, 10:51 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Nobody has responded to my thread Thirty nine views no responses.
__________________



Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!


Reply With Quote
  #6  
January 15th, 2012, 10:54 AM
Halloween81's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,236
Hugs. I completely understand you wanting to be diagnosed with PTSD - a diagnoses could help you get better and that's not weird at all.
__________________
Kimberly, wife to Jamie
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - February 14, 2009
Miscarriage of twin boys at 11 weeks - September 21, 2009
Chemical pregnancy - January 9, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - April 21, 2010
Miscarriage at 7 weeks - October 22, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - May 14, 2011
Miscarriage at 17 weeks - December 7, 2011 (My sweet little Joshua had Achondrogenesis type 2)
Miscarriage at 5 weeks - June 5, 2013

All test results normal. Reason for RPL unknown.

Annabel born healthy at 35 weeks - May 22, 2014
Reply With Quote
  #7  
January 15th, 2012, 12:22 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 19,613
Send a message via AIM to esparando para bebé Send a message via Yahoo to esparando para bebé
__________________

Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
January 15th, 2012, 03:24 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 26,396
Send a message via MSN to plan4fate
*hugs* *hugs*
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
January 16th, 2012, 11:28 AM
RinkMom's Avatar Super Hockey Mom
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,524
Oh Rebecca. I hope you get some responses and some answers. [HUGS]
__________________
*********Formerly Soon2B5*********
Reply With Quote
  #10  
January 16th, 2012, 12:15 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,797
Oh Rebecca you have been through so much! hugs
__________________
Nicole mommy to...



Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:21 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0