[Soape]

My name is Amanda 30 and DH is Michael 29. I'll apologize now for the long story.

We have been TTC since 2006 after we got married. We tried for 2.5 years with no success, I don't ovulate without induction meds. My OB/GYN finally started me on Clomid and we got pregnant right away! I started bleeding at 5.5 weeks and we went to the Dr, they did a sono and showed us a beautiful little heartbeat!!! I remember that feeling and how naive we were. They had us in once a week till I was 8 weeks and the Dr said that he felt confident that everything would be ok. After that appt I was certain that something was wrong but they wouldnt see me back until I was 12 weeks. We went in and found that our baby had quit growing at 8.1 weeks. We had a D&C the next morning and I was devestated for 3 months. I laid in bed and cried most of the time when I wasn't at work.

We decided that we would try the meds again and surely we would end up with the child that we longed for! I got pregnant the first cycle on clomid and progesterone again. We found out at 8 weeks that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I passed that one naturally after 2 weeks.

We took 6 months off of TTC so that I could mourn the loss of what I always had invisioned pregnancy being. When we tried again on the meds we got pregnant the second cycle. I remember thinking everynight that that pregnancy would fail and my body would fail me again. But somehow the days kept going by and we were still pregnant, still hearing HB, and even saw the baby move on the sono!! At 18 weeks I started contracting. At 19 weeks we found out that we were pregnant with a little girl, and we also found out that I had a complete placenta previa. I went into pre-term labor at 25 weeks and was put on bedrest at home. At 31 weeks I hemorraged at home from the previa and was rushed to the hospital where we stayed for 6 more weeks. They brought our daughter into the world at 37 weeks and I remember that was the first time that I felt like we were actually going to get to be parents!!!

I'm soooooo thankful for our daughter who is now 20 months old. Her name is Kennedi and she is truly our miracle.

We started TTC #2 when Kennedi was 11.5 months old. We tried 3 cycles of clomid before I was able to get pregnant again. I got pregnant and was immediately terrified that we would loose this baby again and all of our friends gave us the speech that it would be ok!!! We lost that baby as a chemical pregnancy 5 days later. I felt numb after that one!

We decided to get the testing done with an RE 2.5 hours away. And that bring you to now. I just got my results back from the RPL workup and I have premature ovarian failure and should go through early menopause around 37. They told us if we are going to have anymore we need to be trying now because I will probably only be fertile for a very short period of time. It came back that I have APS and MTHFR hetero and low progesterone. HSG was clear. DH was perfectly fine.

The plan: I started clomid 2 days ago, and estrogen, and folguard. I'll have a follicle scan in a week and a half and then trigger me with HCG, I'll start progesterone and lovenox the day after I ovulate. I'm a little nervous I'm a neonatal intensive care nurse and "the curse of the nurse" has hit hard for us. I've litterally thought every day that we should just feel blessed to have our daughter and we should give this up before I loose my mind, but then I change my mind again and decide we should try this again. The thought of being pregnant again just makes me scared of how we will feel if we loose it again. It's truly terrifying and I'm sure that all of you know how that feels. I feel INSANE with worry when I'm pregnant to the point that I was almost relieved the last miscarriage because I didn't have to live with the worry for the next 8 months.

Do you ever get ok with it?

[plan4fate]

*hugs* Welcome to the board.

I have come to terms with my losses. I have not yet come to terms with the fact that there might be more in the future.

[LisaB]

Kennedi is beautiful!

Hugs and welcome. I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't even imagine what you're going through. What a story, so sad, but wonderful that you have your daughter. Keep us posted on your progress through the next cycle!

I'm Lisa, 4 miscarriages (all first trimester, all with heartbeat), one twin 2nd trimester loss, mommy to twin 3 year old girls plus a 1-yr boy. I was told I'd never conceive on my own (or at least had a 2% chance) but my baby boy came to be without any medical intervention. It can happen. Am I ever over my losses, they still haunt me, but I'm too busy to grieve much these days.

[Holly TH]

I am so sorry for your losses Amanda. You might want to ask your doctor about L-methylfolate. Because you have the MTHFR polymorphism you have a limited ability to break down synthetic folic acid (the type found in Folgard). This puts you at risk for folate deficiency related pregnancy complications. I work with NeevoDHA, a prenatal specifically indicated for women with MTHFR. It contains active L-methylfolate as an alternative to synthetic folic acid. Active L-methylfolate bypasses your MTHFR mutation and is 100% bioavailable for DNA synthesis and repair. It is something simple and safe you can do to be certain MTHFR-related folate deficiency is not an issue while trying to conceive and during pregnancy. With everything you have been through I cannot imagine that you will feel totally fine until you have a healthy baby in your arms. I will keep you in my prayers for a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy in the near future. Best of luck Amanda.

[IneedCoffee]

Welcome to the board. I have had 5 losses with one little miracle in the middle. Best of luck to you on your journey. I am still TTc.. and scared to death, but I just try to work through it. Stress is no good for the body.

[RinkMom]

Hi and welcome to RPL,
I am so sorry for your losses. I really have no advice for you. Things do get better but not a day goes by that I do not think of my angels or the loss of my fertility.
Good luck. I hope that the advice from the ladies above can help you.
Hugs.
Karen

[Augie]

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I'm Augie, co-host of this board. DH and I have lost five pregnancies, six babies. We are currently waiting to ttc after our last loss (on New Year's Eve). It's been a long hard road, and honestly I'm not sure I'll ever not worry about losing a baby/child. My journey (and those I've met because of it) have left me far too jaded to ever think things will absolutely be ok.

[Soape]

Thank yall for all the support. And thank you Holly TH for the info. I've been going on and reading your stories. It's eye opening to see all the ways that this RPL can play out. I hope and pray for peace with whatever route everyone decides to go.

[ZoePaigesMommy]

Hello and welcome. I am very sorry for your losses. Your daughter is too precious .

I am Meagan and have had 3 losses and in November I had my rainbow baby. I was diagnosed with Lupus Anticoagulant. My 3 losses were all around 8 weeks. With my daughter I took low dose asprin the entire pregnancy and was on progesterone until 12 weeks.

Please KUP on your journey.

[ShesaDreamer]

Hello and welcome to this board. I'm Elizabeth I have one DD Angelica (almost 3) and I have 5 angels. I haven't had testing because the reasons for my losses are all different. My first and 3rd were natural. A chromosomal abnormality and a chemical. My second was a set of ectopic twins and my last was a 12-14 week loss due to the placenta tearing away. All my losses but the last I've come to terms with. And it's not even. been a year since my last.