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It's not fair, and I am furious! *miscarriage and failed adoption mentioned*


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
March 4th, 2012, 05:56 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry for unloading this on you all, but I have no one to talk to about this and I need to get it off my chest. I haven't talked about this much on here. In fact, it's possible that I have never even mentioned it on this board. A little over 5 years ago....before I realized the problems I would have... and just 6 weeks or so after my first miscarriage, we went through a failed adoption of sorts. This was before I was a member of JM and when I still believed my baby was just right around the corner.

A local girl... freshman in college.... found out she was pregnant. I worked with her best friend, and I saw her stress over the situation. She knew she could not keep the baby. Her parents were uber-strict. She said they would kick her out of the house and stop paying for her school if they found out she was pregnant. She didn't want the baby, but she said they would be just as upset over an abortion as they would a pregnancy. Without ever even talking to my husband (who was just a boyfriend at the time) I told her to move in with me. I offered to take care of feeding her, getting her to and from school, and keeping a roof over her head during the pregnancy. I told her that I would adopt the baby, that she could always be a part of the baby's life if she wanted or she could quietly disappear after she had the baby. I even told her that if she decided she wanted to keep the baby after it was born, that I would support that decision. She agreed to move in and thanked me repeatedly for being willing to give her baby a loving home that she knew she could not provide. She talked about how excited she was that the baby would have siblings (my kids from my first marriage were 5 and 8 at the time).

Two days later, BEFORE she moved in, I was called out of town because my Dad was dying. I told her I would be back in a week and gave her a key to my house. There was plenty of everything she could want or need in the fridge/cabinets and my car would be here for her to use (I was taking a train to the east coast). When I got home she hadn't moved in. She avoided me as much as possible. I figured she had come to terms with the pregnancy and wanted to keep the baby, so I pulled her aside to assure her that my offer stood and that if she needed a place to stay until she could get on her feet, she had it. Even if I wasn't going to be adopting the baby, I wanted to help her. The baby's Dad was no help at all and even denied being the father, and since her parents weren't going to be supportive, I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. It was a sucker punch to the gut when she told me that she had confessed she was pregnant to her mother and that they had decided having a baby (even one she would put up for adoption) would ruin her life. In the one week I had been gone, she'd had an abortion. She had already said this was my baby, and I had just told my mom and Dad that I would be adopting a baby within the year. She had killed MY baby and I didn't think anything could ever hurt as bad as that did.

I was wrong. Today, at the store I ran into the girl. I hadn't seen her in several years. She said hi, and I smiled and was going to try to ignore the past. Until I glanced down......and saw the toddler hugging her leg. And at that same moment, realized that she was sporting a baby bump.

She killed her first child because it was inconvenient. Her child that she had already said she was going to give to ME! Now, 5 years later, she has a beautiful little boy and another child on the way. Now, 5 years later, I'm still waiting for a baby. It's not fair and I am furious.
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  #2  
March 5th, 2012, 05:53 AM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
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oh OUCH!

First of all let me just comemnd you on not losing it right there and punching her in the face.

Second of all hugs, you know that if God intended for that to be your baby he will be with you in heaven just like the rest of your Angels.
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  #3  
March 5th, 2012, 11:11 AM
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Oh sweetie I am so sorry you had to re live all of that
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  #4  
March 5th, 2012, 02:09 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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I am so sorry. You're right, it's not fair at all.
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  #5  
March 6th, 2012, 08:25 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks ladies. I knew you would understand. It was very hard to control my rage and not end up clobbering her or saying really mean and hateful things to her. I did get a bit of enjoyment watching her squirm when the cashier asked her if the little guy was her only kid. She just looked at the floor and wouldn't respond. I stared daggers at her, almost daring her to say he was. I would have had to make a hateful comment about "Yeah, cause she killed the first one." or something if she had.

Just getting it off my chest helped a lot.
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  #6  
March 6th, 2012, 11:37 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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*hugs*

I'm so sorry Stephanie. I just can't believe she would do that after already having agreed to adoption. I just don't get people like that!
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  #7  
March 6th, 2012, 07:36 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't either. I do think ALOT of it was because of pressure from her mom. I can't imagine pressuring my daughter into killing my granddaughter regardless of the situation though.
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  #8  
March 7th, 2012, 07:47 AM
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Oh my, I am so sorry you had to run into her again and relive everything. And you are right....it is so not fair.....
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  #9  
March 7th, 2012, 05:25 PM
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I can't even imagine. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that People are so cruel, it amazes me very day. I hope, 4 years later, things have changed for you and you have found your family!
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