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Individualizing the Grief od Miscarriage


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
July 15th, 2006, 07:36 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
There are as many kinds of losses as there are ways to grieve. I personally do not believe that a person can really understand the grief a mother feels when she loses a baby in miscarriage, unless she has also lost a baby in the same manner.

Even then, the experience may vary greatly depending on whether the person wanted the baby, if a fertility problem existed and the couple had been trying for a long period of time to conceive, and if there had been previous miscarriages.

I also believe that women, who have suffered miscarriages, have little understanding of what the father of their baby may feel as they go through their own private grief process. In my case, my husband never talked about his feelings. If he cried, it was never in front of or with me.

His flurry of activity afterwards, made me think that he wasn’t affected and hadn’t really cared. He later was to confide in me that keeping busy was the only way he could keep from thinking about it.

He became very short tempered and impatient, when my grieving continued longer than he thought it should. He avoided spending time with me. Later he also shared that he carried deep feelings of guilt over making me pregnant. He felt responsible for the physical, mental and emotional pain I went through. I think I blamed him too.

I discovered in my research that the differences in the way that men and women grieved, over the loss of a baby, actually pulled the couple apart. Many ended up divorcing at a later time, as happened to us even after we were successful at being able to have children.

Many women who have experienced miscarriages do not experience a "normal" grieving process and drift into major depressions and /or become suicidal. I believe that there are very concrete reasons that contribute to this occurring.

If people were more aware of their impact on that grieving mother, they could avoid making thoughtless comments or doing things that may confuse the issue of allowing that woman to experience her grief in a normal way.

Anything that happens that gives an impression that no baby existed in the first place, is destructive to the mother’s mental stability. It keeps her from being able to grieve in a healthy way.

Examples of acting like there was no baby may include not allowing the mother to see the baby, hold it or say good bye; not encouraging the parents to named the baby; not having a memorial or funeral service; and getting rid of all the items that were purchased in preparation for the baby’s arrival.

It should be remembered that the hormones a woman is producing, tell her brain that she gave birth to a baby. It will not register that the baby died. She will have the urge to hold her baby in her arms and her breasts will prepare to lactate. These happenings will add to her grief, as well as the wide mood swings she starts to experience immediately after birth.

Typically, I experienced anger because no one could tell me why my miscarriage had happened and that I was denied the experience that other women seemed to be allowed just by virtue of being a woman. I felt guilty because I believed that if I had done something different, it would not have happened. I felt like I had disappointed and failed my husband.......[/b]
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/...nd_dying/70980


That is only an exerpt....I thought it might show whether you are interested in the link or not.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
July 15th, 2006, 09:23 PM
srs srs is offline
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Thanks for sharing. I went and read the article, and it's a good thing to keep in mind.
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  #3  
July 17th, 2006, 02:20 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'll go read the rest of the article tonight. The excerpt had some descriptions of DH in it, so I want to read more. Thanks for sharing it, Beckie!
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  #4  
October 12th, 2008, 07:19 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
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bump
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #5  
October 12th, 2008, 07:52 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Well chosen! The excerpt was an interesting read! And so very true!

I suffered greatly from depression after I lost my twins. To the point I'd planned my own death, and would have committed suicide on October 22nd 2005 (the day after my cousin's 2nd birthday, I didn't want to do it then) and only changed my mind after I went out with my cousin (for what I though would be the first and last time) to a bar and enjoyed myself so much. Made me realize that I had a lot to look forward to.

I've been doing ok since losing Mattie... I am depressed, I can feel it deep down, but I've gotten so much better at dealing with it! People actually tell me I look and sound happy now!
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