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I am just so angry.


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
August 11th, 2012, 12:38 AM
Leffew's Avatar is baking!
Join Date: Oct 2009
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I am not doing OK here. I found out about the babies on Saturday night. First thing Monday morning, my brother's body was identified. He had been missing since Thursday. We didn't think TOO much of it, since he would occasionally take off for a couple days, and he'd always show back up. Unfortunately, this time... the "showing back up" part wasn't the result we were looking for.

I've not had a chance to grieve the loss of the babies. We have been planning a "funeral" of sorts. My brother never desired any formal type of funeral in the event of his death, so he's been cremated, and we're having a thing at my house from noon to six tomorrow to celebrate his life. It has been so time consuming.

I think subconsciously, my body knows that I need to put him to rest before it will pass the babies. But it makes it so much harder to know I'm still carrying them. I am feeling incredibly selfish by saying I can not wait for tomorrow to be over with so that I can focus on the twins now, and allow my body to do its work.

BUT I AM JUST SO MAD!!!!!! WHY??? Why did this have to happen to me again? I hadn't actually spoke the number until tonight. And once I did, I just broke down all over again.

Eight. I HAVE LOST EIGHT BABIES! No woman should ever have to suffer the pain of losing ONE baby! EIGHT???!!! It is not freaking right. It is not fair. I want my babies.

It makes me so sick that many women get a BFP and they say "OMG what am I going to do? I can't have a baby!" but we want babies so bad and we can't freaking have them!!!!

What makes this even more painful is that it was twins. We did not know we wanted twins. Not until we found it WAS twins. We mourned the fact that we would only have ONE MORE because that was the last pregnancy I was committing myself to. I mean yes, I'd desired them, because I'd get two with one pregnancy, but it wasn't something we'd ever think would actually happen. So when it did, our excitement was through the roof. And now they're gone.

I don't know that I can move on after this. I don't know that I can allow myself to suffer one more loss after how happy we got this time. I do want more kids. But I wanted my twins. I wanted Pork and Bean. And if I DO decide to move on and try again, I still know there's a good chance I won't carry to term. At that point I feel as though I'm being cruel because I know there's a good chance yet another pregnancy wouldn't make it. So I'd essentially be killing yet another baby. I don't know if my husband wants to go through the pain of loss again.

Here's how its been
#1 healthy boy @40w
#2 healthy girl @ 40w1d
#3 ~Bryce~ @14w
#4 ~i~ @6w
#5 ~i~ @5w
#6 healthy girl @38w
#7 ~i~ @5w4d
#8 ~Jack~ @13w
#9 ~Madeline~ @15w
#10 Healthy boy @38w3d
#11 ~pork and bean~ still in their cozy womb at nearly 12 weeks.

Based on my loss pattern, it seems I have to have 3 losses before I carry a child to term.

What next? Do I consider the loss of the twins as a single loss, or as two losses, and carry on, have a 6w loss, then JUST MAYBE we'll have another child....

I don't see us overcoming the pain of the twin loss. My husband is absolutely defeated. He has no desire to talk about whether or not we are done. I need to know how to grieve this loss. Will this be it? Final chapter? Or doI grieve just the loss of them but hold hope that maybe some day, there will be another baby.

Eight. I know some in here have had more. I can not compare my pain to yours. Each person's pain is contingent on the person. Many things factor, were they early losses, were they late losses, how many losses?

I'm now rumbling on. i am sorry. I needed to get this out <3
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  #2  
August 11th, 2012, 07:46 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 5 babies and am pregnany again I know how it feels to feel like" I am only getting pregnant to lose again." you can't even be happy when everything is going fine. I really admire how you have kept trying despite all the pain. I will pray for you and your family
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  #3  
August 11th, 2012, 09:51 AM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,921
Nicole I am so sorry for everything you are going though and notihng I say now can make you feel better. I know it feels like *you* lost your babies, but really it was completely out of your control. Had you given up trying you would have never had your beautiful boob monster than you have now. Now is not the time to decide what to do with all the pain you are still and with Pork and Beans being yet unresolved. You are still in the middle of this heartache and there is no way you can decide for sure where to go from here.

When you were pregnant with your boob monster, you wanted him, and you wanted Jack and Madeline too. If you chose to try again you will want that baby as well as Pork and Beans. Nobody knows how much joy your rainbow babies bring you and they are worth everything you go through to get them. In the end I hope that you and your DH agree and are happy with your family when you decide that you are done. For as horrible as all of our situations are, it is easy to see those who have had worse situations. I love you, our PR loves you and all of our hearts are breaking with yours at this time.

Last edited by Happy Song; August 11th, 2012 at 09:54 AM. Reason: siggy
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  #4  
August 11th, 2012, 05:16 PM
Halloween81's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,236
Im so sorry for the loss of your twins and your brother. Please don't feel bad about wanting the pregnancy to be over so you can move on - I think a lot of us have been there, the limbo phase is hard. Enjoy your children and like Nicole said before me, don't try to make any decisions right now. Hugs.
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Kimberly, wife to Jamie
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - February 14, 2009
Miscarriage of twin boys at 11 weeks - September 21, 2009
Chemical pregnancy - January 9, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - April 21, 2010
Miscarriage at 7 weeks - October 22, 2010
Miscarriage at 10 weeks - May 14, 2011
Miscarriage at 17 weeks - December 7, 2011 (My sweet little Joshua had Achondrogenesis type 2)
Miscarriage at 5 weeks - June 5, 2013

All test results normal. Reason for RPL unknown.

Annabel born healthy at 35 weeks - May 22, 2014

Last edited by Halloween81; August 11th, 2012 at 05:17 PM. Reason: Spelling mistake
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  #5  
August 11th, 2012, 06:12 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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aw girlie I'm so sorry. That is way too much to take on all at once for a grieving woman!

I don't have any profound advice, I just wish you peace in the coming days and weeks!
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  #6  
August 13th, 2012, 03:14 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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*hugs* I've found my twin loss harder too. I can't answer your question about whether to count it as one or two losses. I don't know. I no longer say "I have had "x" number of losses" because I don't know the answer. Now I say "We've lost five pregnancies and six babies."

I agree with the other ladies. Now is not the time to decide whether or not you are done. It's taken me 7.5 months to even consider ttc again.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you can find the peace you are looking for and need soon.

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