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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
July 22nd, 2006, 08:46 PM
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Posts: 371
I've basically been going insane over the past several days.. I have spent so much money just shopping, trying to suppress how much pain I'm in. I bought a new bed & mattress set, I've completely reconfigured my apartment, cleaned floor to ceiling (and I mean complete with sponge-cleaning my walls & waxing the floor).. I feel like I'm just losing my mind.. I can't stop moving.. It almost feels like if I stop, it's going to make it real that I've lost my babies. I don't know.. I haven't slept AT ALL in 3 days, and almost feel like I'm on the verge of a complete psychotic break.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm feeling like I'm completely losing it.. And to top it all off, a very narcissistic old friend of mine just announced to a mutual friend that she's pg.. She has the same due date I did.. And, this is going to sound incredibly selfish and concieted on my part, but it's just not freakin fair!! I would make such a better mother than her.. She's completely unstable, she's having this baby to save her marriage.. Or so she thinks.. And she's going into it thinking that she's like a godsend and that she's not going to make any mistakes.. She was preaching about what a wonderful mother she's going to be.. I mean, what is that?! It's just not fair.. I want my babies back.. I know I'm not perfect.. I know I would be screwing up left and right.. I know I would.. And I'm okay with that.. The important thing is how much I love them.. And I just don't believe for a second that a baby brought into this world would be treated well if he/she was created to save a marriage.. I mean, what is that?! I'm sick.. Ugh.. I just don't know what to do with myself.. There's nothing left to clean.. There's nothing to do.. I feel completely alone.. And I'm just going insane!!!!

AHHH!! I'm sorry.. I just really needed to get that out.. Thanks for listening everyone.
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
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  #2  
July 23rd, 2006, 02:05 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Quote:
I've basically been going insane over the past several days.. I have spent so much money just shopping, trying to suppress how much pain I'm in. I bought a new bed & mattress set, I've completely reconfigured my apartment, cleaned floor to ceiling (and I mean complete with sponge-cleaning my walls & waxing the floor).. I feel like I'm just losing my mind.. I can't stop moving.. It almost feels like if I stop, it's going to make it real that I've lost my babies. I don't know.. I haven't slept AT ALL in 3 days, and almost feel like I'm on the verge of a complete psychotic break.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm feeling like I'm completely losing it.. And to top it all off, a very narcissistic old friend of mine just announced to a mutual friend that she's pg.. She has the same due date I did.. And, this is going to sound incredibly selfish and concieted on my part, but it's just not freakin fair!! I would make such a better mother than her.. She's completely unstable, she's having this baby to save her marriage.. Or so she thinks.. And she's going into it thinking that she's like a godsend and that she's not going to make any mistakes.. She was preaching about what a wonderful mother she's going to be.. I mean, what is that?! It's just not fair.. I want my babies back.. I know I'm not perfect.. I know I would be screwing up left and right.. I know I would.. And I'm okay with that.. The important thing is how much I love them.. And I just don't believe for a second that a baby brought into this world would be treated well if he/she was created to save a marriage.. I mean, what is that?! I'm sick.. Ugh.. I just don't know what to do with myself.. There's nothing left to clean.. There's nothing to do.. I feel completely alone.. And I'm just going insane!!!!

AHHH!! I'm sorry.. I just really needed to get that out.. Thanks for listening everyone.[/b]
I'm going to pm you and be a bit more candid but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and loving you from afar...you are NOT alone in this.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #3  
July 23rd, 2006, 10:35 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Well - I normally don't get on a cleaning kick when I am upset - but I know plenty that do. I think it boils down to coping mechanisms...and we all have some. I am far more likely to loose myself in JM, a movie, etc - when upset, I often go stagnate & don't move much rather than becoming super active - but it's not a whole lot different, it's just the way I cope.

You are completely right in saying it is not fair. It truly isn't. In a perfect world people would have to earn certain things by merit - but unfortunately that is seldom the case. Particularly in parenting - deserving ends up having nothing to do with it. Lots of people can procreate that shouldn't (thus why we have so many kids in foster care) and lots that can't (or at least not YET) would make great mom's. This particular issue has been very hard for me to accept - but as I have worked on it, it has eased some things. To accept the imbalance in life, to realize that I don't have children with me not because I don't deserve them, or because "it's what is best" but because life isn't fair & I got the short end of the stick on this one. I wish it were different for all of us. No one is perfect (as you were saying) and of course we'd all make mistake to some degree, but we would all be very greatful to have our babies & we are no less deserving han anyone else. I don't know if htat helps or makes it worse...for me it helped. I hope it does for you as well.

Perhaps if this "friend" is truly as narcissitic as you say, you need to get her out of your life. If she is really that self absorbed, she can't be healthy to have around regardless of cirumstance, but even more-sp now that you are trying to heal from your losses.

I wish you all the best hun - and we're here anytime.
Much love-
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #4  
July 23rd, 2006, 12:03 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
My bathrooms have never been so clean as they were after my second loss. Cleaning a dirty room was something I could "fix". I also understand the not sleeping thing. After my second loss my grief was so profound that I was lucky to get 4 hours a night the first few weeks. I finally asked my doc for something to help me sleep and that made all the difference. Once I was able to rest, I was able to start grieving and healing. You should talk to your doc about lack of sleep and your emotional state to see what he can do for you.

Hugs, sweetie! It's incredibly hard right now but it will get better.
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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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  #5  
July 24th, 2006, 01:26 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
Thanks everyone! I'm feeling a little bit better now, possibly only because there is absolutely nothing left to clean! Since getting tired of cleaning & running out of things to do, I've been able to be a little bit more emotional about all the losses, which is probably a good thing.. So we'll just see how things go. I finally slept last night for about 4 hours.. It was definitely restful, and although it wasn't 7-8 hours, it's better than it has been in a while. I guess my body just caught up with me, but I'm definitely glad it did.

So thanks again for being so understanding and accepting of my craziness.. I'll probably be around more now that it feels like my head is screwed on a little more tightly. I can deal with being sad, just not bouncing off the walls.. And sad is definitely where I am right now..
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
</div>
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  #6  
July 24th, 2006, 01:59 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Sad is hard, but it helps you heal. Glad you got a little bit of sleep last night, too.
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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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  #7  
July 24th, 2006, 05:33 PM
srs srs is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
Glad to hear things are going better. It's just so unpredictable... I know I go through periods of struggle, and then things will be okay, and then more struggle... it's just not fair. Hang in there.
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