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Another loss... how do you keep going? (x-posted)


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
November 19th, 2012, 02:32 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
I'm not even really sure what I want to say in this post, other than that I need to say something to someone about how crappy I feel right now. Back in August we had a blighted ovum. I showed no signs of miscarrying, so I had a D&C. Then I had retained tissue and bled for 2 months. Finally, after passing the rest of it on my own 2 months later, I was able to go back to TTC. We did IUI and got pregnant on the first try... but I had this horrible feeling that something wasn't right. The lines on the HPTs just weren't as dark as I'd seen them before, even though they were getting darker. My hcg on 14dpo was 27... low. My hcg on 16 dpo was 78... so it doubled, but it was still low. Then a week later it was 1893... so it seemed like maybe things were catching up and I started to stupidly let myself get optimistic that maybe I was just jaded after our last m/c, and maybe this one would be OK. Then I had my first ultrasound at 6w4d... no heartbeat, small fetal pole, measuring 5 days behind (and my dates are 100% accurate, since we did follistim, triggered ovulation, and did 1 IUI). My RE was pretty straight forward with me, told me it was an ominous sign and that I should prepare myself for the worst. I go back on Wednesday to confirm that there's no heartbeat.

I'm just devastated right now. I keep getting my hopes up, and then have it turn out like this. We invest so much time, effort, and money into getting pg, and then it doesn't work. Not only that, but I can't even seem to m/c on my own. I know having repeat D&C's carries a risk of scarring and more infertility, which we definitely do not need on top of all our other fertility issues. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I also don't know how to keep going. We are blessed to have 2 kids already, and I keep trying to convince myself that maybe 2 is enough, that I should be happy with what I have, and I should just give up and focus on them. I have spent every single day of the last 6 months stressed out about pending miscarriages, and I just can't do it anymore. I forget what it feels like just to be happy. I WANT to go a day without googling something miscarriage-related, but I can't. But I also don't want to regret not trying again... I don't want to always have this hole in my heart, and an empty bedroom in our house, where I knew our third child was supposed to be.

Also, I want to add that I realize there are many people out there who have it so much worse than I do. I feel selfish, in a way, for complaining about my 2 miscarriages, when I have 2 wonderful children at home already. So I don't want to make it seem like my pain is worse than anyone elses... it's not, or if anything, I'm sure there are lots of women here who have been through so much worse than I have. But I do need to vent, to share my feelings with women who have been through the same crap. And any advice on how you keep going after this is appreciated--I just don't feel strong enough to do it.
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  #2  
November 19th, 2012, 04:08 PM
sandel07's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 403
With my last 2 miscarriages I just assumed it was going to happen because it just seemed to be the norm for me--my doctor even commented that I just seemed to expect it. Then after the 6th loss I decided I have 2 perfectly normal happy healthy children and I really didnt even want to try anymore.....then a couple months later I had my 9th positive pregnancy test and here I am 22 weeks with my 3rd child. Maybe you just need to take a lil break from 'trying' and thinking about babies and miscarriages and think about other things and it just might happen....I know easier said than done. Good Luck!!!!
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6 losses at 4 to 7 weeks (feb 05, July 10, Oct 10, April 11, Oct 11 Feb 2012)

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  #3  
November 19th, 2012, 05:14 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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*hugs*

I'm glad Sandy replied... because I honestly have 0 advice on this. I just wanted to let you know that I did read it, and to send some hugs.
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Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

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  #4  
November 20th, 2012, 01:10 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Twin Cities, MN
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sandel07 View Post
Maybe you just need to take a lil break from 'trying' and thinking about babies and miscarriages and think about other things and it just might happen....I know easier said than done. Good Luck!!!!

I appreciate the advice and positivity... but I just wanted to add that if we stop trying, it is most definitely not going to happen for us... well, not unless I cheat on DH with someone who has sperm... but then I'd have lots of other issues to deal with!
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  #5  
November 23rd, 2012, 02:10 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Just because you have two kids doesn't make you ungrateful or less entitled to feel pain. Loss is loss. Some women at RPL have had MANY living children, some have none & many losses & everything in between. Some (like me) get pregnant very easily) and other have struggled for ages just to get the BFP. Those things ma, or may not complicate the confusion, anger, sadness, grief & frustration, but they don't mean one woman is more entitled to her feelings than another. Feel how YOU feel. It is all you *can* do & the only way to process these things in a healthy manner.

This should be the LAST place that you feel you have to downplay your own feelings or explain them in such a way to validate them. They are real - they are your feelings & your losses MATTER - as MUCH AS anyone else's.

When I first came to JM I had one loss. Then I got pregnant again right off & had another - and man was I gutted...totally. When it happened again, I guess I figured I should have sense it coming....but I still had that little voice in me that said "maybe". I think it did hit me harder because I had no living children but ONLY because I thought maybe I never would. Somehow before I had my older son I came to peace with things in a new way. I still had a lot of healing to do & long way to go - but I was in a better place. I KNOW that came from being able to share my feelings in a safe place, where I didn't have to justify anything & that was here. So please, of all things, don't feel like you can't or that yours are any "less than" anyone else's. that is the last thing you need to do here nor is it what anyone wants to hear. Just share from your heart. talk about the pain - the tests, the sense of frustration & uncertainty. It is the ONLY thing I think that does help get through it & to help you find some sense of getting your feet up under you.

And if you want to consider waiting things out - let me know. I did that once & it *was* hard, but I would do it again, every single time. Of all the times I did the most healing, it was then....when I had time to slow down, say good-bye & just breathe. I understand if you don't feel up for that...I wasn't sure I was either, but I do think it was the best choice I could have made for what needed to happen at the time.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I know all too well how painful it is to wait that week to see if anything changes & know it likely won't. It is a terrible limbo to be stuck in.

Much love to you!

Beckie - momma of many angles & 2 boys on earth. <3
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  #6  
November 23rd, 2012, 05:11 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Twin Cities, MN
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Thanks Beckie.

So I had another appointment on Wednesday, and got a mix of news... Things have definitely taken a strange (but still not so good) turn. First, the baby DOES have a heartbeat now. BUT at the first scan it was measuring 4 days behind, and this time it was 8 days behind... Grew only 1 day in 5 days and measured 6w1d, when I was actually 7w2d. My RE was pretty candid that he doesn't think this will go much further.

Also, we found out that its likely a cornual pregnancy...which is basically an ectopic that is in the corner of my uterus. If it were to get bigger than 12 or so weeks, I'd risk having my uterus rupture. So... That means that now we are basically left HOPING that I miscarry soon, because otherwise we might then have to terminate a living baby...and I don't know how I would handle that. I've never had an ectopic before, so now I'm worried that maybe my last d&c had something to do with it...like, maybe it left scar tissue that created this problem. It also makes me even more afraid if we try again. I've never had problems with my uterus before...

BUT... I'm really trying to stay focused on the good in my life. With this weekend being thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for. I think I sometimes take it all for granted, like the 2 kids I have, who are strong, healthy, smart, and independent. THEY made it here, and I need to remember what a miracle that is. Sometimes I look at those who have it so much easier than I do and I get jealous...but there are so many ways in which my life could be worse. I have a friend who almost lost her husband in a motorcycle accident...and another friend who just lost her baby at 22-23 weeks...it just makes me put things in perspective, you know?
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