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  #1  
July 24th, 2006, 12:46 PM
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Hi Ladies...

I've missed all of you, but I really needed the mental break and I'm feeling more like my old self again. As you all know, I had my 3rd m/c last week and this was natural. I was really freaked out by it since I was expecting bad cramps and bad bleeding like I had read, but it didn't happen like that for me.

On Monday, while I was at work, I started to spot and by the afternoon I was bleeding heavy like AF was here. On Tuesday I started to pass lots of blood clots and that continued for 2 more days. By Friday things had tapered off and I was spotting and by Saturday there was no more bleeing or spotting. There wasn't really any bad cramps (considering that I have Endo and get really bad cramps) and was able to control them with Aleve.

Emotionally I was a wreck! I found this past loss to be far worse physically and emotionally since my hormones were coming down gradually and I didn't have surgery. Also since I didn't know what to expect I was a jumble of nerves. I took Thursday & Friday off from work for mental sanity more than anything else.

When I woke up today I felt like nothing had happened and it was all a bad nightmare. It's weird how our brain's categorize life experiences. I had my HCG levels tested last Monday and I went again this morning to have my HCG levels tested again to confirm that they are indeed falling. I'm a little crampy today but no spotting so I'm thinking my uterus is trying to get back to normal.

I managed to get in to see our former RE specialist on Aug 15th. I can't believe we got in so fast, but I'm glad we don't have to wait. Now that I can conceive with no issues I'm faced with a whole new fertility issue in that I can't carry a baby to term. I keep loosing our little bean around the 6 week mark (either via ectopic or m/c).

After this last m/c I'm convinced that I've had a m/c at least one other time and I didn't know I was pg. Since my cycles were so messed up for years and I never knew when I O'd or when I was late, I'm convinced that I've gone through this before. The clotting and heavy bleeding was completely different from a regular AF (even if AF was heavy).

So now I'm a little disheartened to know that I can't carry a baby to term. I'm aching to find out what is causing my m/c and feel horrible that my body is causing this. I'm praying that it's something simple to diagnose and remedy. I'm terrified of TTC again to only m/c again. I feel like I would be setting myself up for failure and doom yet another little bean with my faulty body.

So there you have it...I'm a jumble of raw emotions right now and frustrated beyond belief.

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  #2  
July 24th, 2006, 01:19 PM
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Nicole,

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this again.. I can completely relate to being a "jumble of raw emotions," as I've felt that way for the past 2 weeks or so myself. I'm really proud of you, though, for doing what you needed to take a "mental break." I'm hoping that your DH is being supportive & that family/friends are there for you too.. And I'm really glad to hear that you won't have to be waiting too long before seeing your RE.

Please take care, and let us know what's going on only as you feel up to it. The important thing is that you're taking care of yourself..
Nicole
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  #3  
July 24th, 2006, 01:56 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm glad you got the break you needed. Amazing what some time to yourself can do for healing. You definitely sound more like yourself and I'm glad you came back to us. I missed you!!
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  #4  
July 24th, 2006, 01:59 PM
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Thanks...I really missed everybody too. I feel closer to the ladies here than most of the people IRL! Nobody that I know has ever gone through infertility or pg loss and I'm surrounded by people who seem to sneeze and get pg and carry a baby to term! It can be very lonely.
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  #5  
July 24th, 2006, 03:40 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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(((Nicole))) I m so glad to see you post. I only have a quick minute between work & pool (I shooot pool on Mondays in a league) but I wanted to say that I have thought so much of your lately & have been praying you are doing well. I know no one does "well" in these circumstances - but you know what I mean.

As far as being raw - that's to be expected. I think it is hard to endure the same pain over & over. I hope the Dr can help you...but also remember that having no answer is often a better prognosis...so try not to be disappointed if that is the outcome (which is about 50% of the time).

I'll try to write more later if I don't end up out too late - otherwise I will definitely write more tomorrow. I wish you all the best & I am so glad you updated us on how you are doing. I know this is a tough time, remember that we are here for you!
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #6  
July 24th, 2006, 05:36 PM
srs srs is offline
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I'm glad you took the break, although we did miss you! I'm sorry things are so rough right now.
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  #7  
July 25th, 2006, 07:27 AM
StephLS's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Thanks...I really missed everybody too. I feel closer to the ladies here than most of the people IRL! Nobody that I know has ever gone through infertility or pg loss and I'm surrounded by people who seem to sneeze and get pg and carry a baby to term! It can be very lonely.[/b]
Welcome back! I can definitely identify with you on being surrounded by people getting pg & carrying to term. A couple have had pg loss, but all have gone on to get pg and successfully have a baby. It partially gives me hope but at the same time I'm frustrated cause I'm not there yet.
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  #8  
July 25th, 2006, 08:22 AM
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Thanks for the warm welcome back.

It's just so hard to deal with. Even my mother got pg easy (I'm the oldest of 4 kids) and never had any issues. Heck...her whole family has never had any issues. Infertility and m/c just isn't on either side of my family and so they have no idea what to say or behave. I can understand it can be uncomfortable for them but I'm the one who has to deal with it every minute, and be surrounded by constant visual reminders of what my body can't seem to figure out.

I hate feeling like my life is a giant "afterschool special"! My doctor has gone from great to having a horrible bedside manner. I've been getting blood work every Monday for the past 3 weeks now and she won't even call me with the results. She has her nurse call me and tell me to go back for more blood work next Monday! When I ask if I can speak with the doctor because I have a few concerns I'm told to book an appoinment but she can't see me for a few days.

I have no idea what my levels are and I can't get any answers. My doctor used to call me with the results and now she won't. Excuse me if I've taken on a different kind of role as patient in that I have recurrent m/c but it's no reason to avoid me. I have questions and I'm not getting answers. It's my body and I have every right to know what's going on with it.

I don't even know if my numbers are dropping, and if they don't drop I'm really concerned that this was another ectopic. My temp's have remained high or atleast high for me and I'm still cramping a bit but done bleeding. Of course...I haven't been able to tell her that because she has her freaking nurse call me!!!

I can't wait to see our RE again next month. Since this is all she deals with I get straight anwers in a timely manner.
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  #9  
July 25th, 2006, 10:55 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Midwest
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Oh how frustrating!! I'm glad you're getting back into your RE, I just wish you could get some info now. Any chance your RE could call in for your records from your OB and call you back with the info? I wish I had more ideas for you.

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  #10  
July 25th, 2006, 12:17 PM
Daniellea22's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im sorry nicole, you have been through so much Im here if you ever wanna talk
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  #11  
July 25th, 2006, 03:28 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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Nicole - have you tried being B&*^%Y & INSISTING to speak to the Dr. I think it is OUTRAGEOUS that they tell you that you MUST book an appointment. They tried to tell me once that I couldn't speak to the Dr because she was in with a patient & I simply said - that's fine - I'll hold & you can catch her between patients...and they did. If you are getting labs done & the results are in there is NO excuse for your Dr not giving you the answers, you have the right to know. If you give me hte number I will freaking call & get them to call you!!! I am setting here trying not to get too angry myself over how you are being treated - I can't imagine what it feels like from your end. Perhaps you can call hte RE's office & ask them if htey can request your results since they will be seeing you next month... Mine did that when I switched over & when the Dr's office owuldn't tell me the results of Dh's Karyotype (which weren't good) - the RE simply called their office & requested it faxed & discussed it over the phone with me in under an hour from when I first called them.

As far as family not understanding I TOTALLY get it. All I have in my family is a little infertility (and in all cases it's because of medical problems with in-laws, not my siblings) and I have heard everything from "how do you think "H" feels - she'll never have a baby" (which is my sis that chose to date & then marry a man she knew was infertile) to my SIL telling me that when she was having trouble getting pg due to Endo that it was "like a loss every month". So even though there have been issues - not one seems to understand that being pg & having hte baby die is different. So I am not sure it helps. My mom tries to compare that she bled for a while when she was pg with her 2nd. She had 5 very healthy pg's...so somehow I see it a bit different. And to clarify - i am not syaing none of those things are hard - but to bring them up in reltion to being able to "understand" how I feel is a bit thin - because I truly have someone(s) to GRIEVE. I understand not having babies would be a hard road - but I didn't choose this. I understand infertility is hard, but I am not infertile. I understand being worried because you are bleeding is hard - but I did that & then also had to deal with the loss of babies -so still not even close in my book.

Hang in there hun - you & I can be the circus side-show together. It's not where I want to be - but at least there is good company.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #12  
July 25th, 2006, 08:18 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
Hang in there hun - you & I can be the circus side-show together. It's not where I want to be - but at least there is good company.[/b]

Well said! I just had someone who had one loss tell me that it was God's plan that things didn't work out, and that "obviously something was wrong with the baby." You know, that MIGHT work for one (and it never did for me), but after more it definitely feels like, "nope, i don't think it's the baby."
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  #13  
July 25th, 2006, 09:03 PM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Signing up for circus sideshow! Thanks for the good laugh and offering to throttle my dr for me.

I'm going to see her tomorrow at 8:50am. I need a letter from her anyways and I'm going to be open and honest and "express" my thoughts to her. I wish I could have RE do something but they won't until they see me in Aug so that's a dead end. (I am grateful for the health care in Canada but sometimes there is so much red tape and political issues that jumble up the process!!!)

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one here with issues about their families. I love them but they don't have a clue and speak before they think. I wish I could say I'm going to take a break from TTC but in a twisted way...that is all that's on my mind. I feel like I'm so close and in within reach and if I try again it will work. I don't deal well with not being able to do something and when I can't it makes me more determined to try again until I succeed. It's like that with everything in my life. I don't take No for an answer. I'm your typical "Type A" personality who has issues with perfectionism.

I just pray that what's causing the m/c isn't some horrible medical condition. I'm really praying that it's something that is easy to dx and treat. My arms are empty and I won't stop until I have my baby in my arms. So ladies...it looks like I'm in this for the long hull and for however long it takes. Gosh...I'm stuborn!
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  #14  
July 25th, 2006, 09:16 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
So ladies...it looks like I'm in this for the long hull and for however long it takes. Gosh...I'm stuborn![/b]
Yay! I'm glad to hear it! I hope you get good care from the doctors too.
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  #15  
July 26th, 2006, 08:05 AM
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Yep...you can kick me down, but I bounce back and more determined than ever. I guess you could say it's my French roots coming out!
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  #16  
July 28th, 2006, 12:05 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Quote:
Yep...you can kick me down, but I bounce back and more determined than ever. I guess you could say it's my French roots coming out! [/b]

Welcome back Nykol...I missed you as well but totally understand needing the break. You have been through so much but it makes me smile to see your determinism and spirit...I'm in for the long haul too so I'm right there with you sweetie...every step. You are a good mother (note that I said "are"!).
Best of luck at the RE, please let us know what he/she says. I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
N-
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