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Most days my babies cross my mind but it doesn't HURT as much as it used to. Maybe its because I keep myself so busy that I can't feel the hurt, or maybe I'm numb to the pain, or maybe some other explaination is there.
But today... today it hurts. Today I am missing them something fierce. I'm wondering what it would be like to have a 10 yr old and a 9 yr old. I'm wondering what it would be like to have 6 kids to love and care for and raise into men and women.
It's not FAIR. And I miss them. I'm missing birthdays, parties. My daughter will never have a sister to share all her secrets with. My boys will never have to share a bathroom with more than 1 teen girl. They have less brothers to protect their big/little sister.
And added to that is this horrible feeling that my SON my never be able to have his own children. he may never experience the joy of being a dad. I might have to feel the pain my own mom feels about having a child who can not have children. All because I made choices that saved his life, but may have damaged his future.
And today... it makes me want to cry. Why can my MIL sleep with every jerk known to man and have 4 children and more step kids than I can keep track of, then basically choose her husband over her daughter and still be a MOM to many children yet *I* have to lose. *I* have to wonder if my baby will ever get to be a dad.
Why does my SIL get to have 2 perfectly healthy little girls with her horribly irresponsible, callous husband.
I'm sorry girlie, but I have a pretty good idea how you feel.. today has been one of those days.
~TTC #1 together 1 year and counting ~
Battling Estrogen Dominance, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Recurrent Miscarriage one day at a time
Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew and Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel and Dee 01/18/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1dKonnor 11/24/2012@3w6d"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d
Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d
I think this day has been building. I keep myself incredibly busy and having "time off" from it all has caused me to FEEL again. And Augie, you didn't stir it up at all! If anything, you brought a bright spot to my WEEK.
maybe having someone helping out with the chores is a good thing, but its also giving me too much time to think.