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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
July 27th, 2006, 01:40 PM
MomTo1PrinceNeedsAPrincess's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Philadelphia, PA
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Hello Ladies. I am from over on the TTC After a Loss Board. I am a newbie here, but lately after my last m/c, I am wondering what I did to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person that God has to flaunt all these precious, beautiful little girls in front of me while I am at work or out and about every day? Why were my princesses taken away from me? Why were they not good enough to survive but my only son was? Why do I not deserve a little pink bundle of joy? Why do mothers who don't even want their little girls get to have them and mine don't even make it into this world? I can't stand seeing someone who is pregnant because the first thought I have is "She's probably going to be blessed with a girl." I look at my son and think "I will never have anyone to dress in pretty dresses, play tea parties with, teach about boys, go shopping with" and I get very sad. Don't get me wrong....I do love my son, and couldn't imagine life without him, but I feel so incomplete. Yes, I know all the sayings of "Be Happy with what you have, Everything happens for a reason, Gender shouldn't matter as long as its healthy, It wasn't meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes, so on and so on," but none of this quells the fact that I don't have a daughter and feel so empty inside. I don't even associate with my friends that have girls anymore because of the extreme jealousy I have. Everyone thinks I am unhealthily obssessed with having a little girl since I am looking into medical sex selection techniques. I know there are women here on this board and all over the planet that cannot even have children, and I know I am blessed with the gift of being able to conceive. I do want another son, but right now my heart, mind, body and soul ache for a daughter. Why must I be subjected to this suffering? Am I being punished for some deed or act committed during my life or past life? I am just so angry and depressed and needed someplace to vent. I miss all of my angels, deeply, and would give anything to have them all here . I just hate to think I am meant to have all boys. With both my boys, after the u/s, I cried for 2 weeks but then got over it and accepted and loved them. One is here, the other is in heaven with his sisters.

I jus had to get this out. I hope I didn't upset or offend anyone. That was/is not my intention. If I did, I apologize. Thanks again.
__________________
Drea
Mommy to 1 Prince and 2 Angels.
Angel #1 - Ayanna Sarai Lost on 1/9/02 at 6 weeks
Angel #2 - Tatianna Alexis Lost on 12/28/05 at 18w3d due to preterm premature rupture of the membranes.
Mommy's Special Big Boy - Jayden Anthony-Maliq Born at 32 weeks on 12/26/02.
TTC Another Princess VERY SOON. Taking any and all donations of sticky pink baby dust

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/DreaWantsABabyGirl


  #2  
July 27th, 2006, 02:04 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
First, Second, no need to apologize. We've all vented about anything and everything, especially while grieving. Part of the grieving process is to question things and to try to place blame. Though it's hard to see right now, you are NOT being punished for anything. You have not done anything wrong by wishing for a little girl. I wish I had just the right words to make you feel better. Feel free to vent about anything. It's not healthy to hold it in and we're good listeners.

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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
  #3  
July 27th, 2006, 03:06 PM
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  #4  
July 27th, 2006, 03:33 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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Hun - I will share my view on "God" in hopes perhaps it will help you have a new perspective...I seem to have a view that is rather unique & I don't believe God has a "plan" for me...so perhaps you haven't thought of it htis way before...

1st - I think it is perfect normal to be angry with God - especially if you are a spiritual person or have ever been a spiritual person. truth is - no relationship exists without complexities & try as we might to be accepting - it is still in our nature ot rebel against anything we don't like & if we believe God has had a hand in something we don't like - it is natural to feel anger at that.

2nd - I see God more as a spiritual part of my life, not a "physical" one. My Dh has a chromosome issue. I don't think God planned it or caused it - I think nature did. I don't think he planned on me getting pg - we (Dh & I) did. I think he didn't cause my mc's (Dh's chromosome issue did) and I think the only role He plays in it is in helping me find strength to endure. I try to understand it as I would think of my mom...She sent me to school knowing I was young for my grade & tiny for my age. She knew there were times where I would be picked on, maybe not be able to fully defend myself, etc. But she also had faith that she had given me the best she could to prepare me & everyday when I came home, good day or bad, she was there with a hug, a sympathetic ear, and a cozy lap. I try to see God this way. I don't expect him to straighten out my life for me, to make this path easy, & I don't think He's shown some extra favor toward those that got pg easy & went on to term....I just don't think it works that way. I think God doesn't really work in our lives in such a physical way - I think we can try to make good from our pain (and I think we should - it is in our own best interest to do so) - but I don't think God took your angels away because you "deserved it" or because you needed to learn something, or even because "they weren't ready for earth". I think they passed because unfortunately it happens to some of us & we are left to clean up the emotional chaos after....and hopefully - if we can find some balance & sense of peace - we can look to God to let us set in his lap while we cry.



I am NOT trying to tell you not to be angry - be angry all you want!!! Lord knows I have been angry for long periods of time - I was hoping only that I could offer you a perspective that helped me immensely once I came to terms with it & has made my healing so much easier sense.

I send you lots of love & I hope you find a sense of peace to begin truly healing.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




  #5  
July 27th, 2006, 09:08 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
I also wanted to add to about my perspective on God, not to minimize your pain, or convert you, but perhaps to give you hope that healing and peace can exisit in this journey....
I agree with Beck on the perspective that God does not cause us harm. I was very much like you in the beginning...I hated God...cursed Him, literally would scream at anyone who would speak His name when it came to my losses...I totally felt punished for my wrong doings and "picked on" if you may...until one day..one very, dark day, I felt the need to reach out to Him. to ask Him back into my life. and you know what? that's the beauty of God...I believe He can take it...I believe He understood. He knows my heart and He knew I needed someone to blame....being all loving as He is, He gladly took this role for me. Adn I came around. i asked for His help, His healing...and my life began to change. My circumstances didn't get better...I have had another m/c, and 2 surgeries since finding Him again. What has change dis my perspective. I have come to realize that He never lied to us...He told us this was not the perfect life...that there will be evil and pain in this world. he does not single us out and teach lessons...this is simply life. No one deserves to have their children killed...and my god...He would never use precious babies to hurt us with...to "teach" us anything.
When people try to talk to me about the "plan" or "everythign happens for a reason"...it bothers me because people place God in a box. They use human logic on an entity that far supercedes "us"...people. I have come to accept that there are some things I will nto know in this life time...my babies going away may be one of those....but it is through life experience...even only a year after my 2nd loss that I see a path with so many twists and turns...so many opportunities...all along He is with me...not choosing for me, but with me...and He loves me...as He loves you. He will bring you peace when you are ready. And it's ok not to be right now. but when you are, He is there...always...
many hugs to you during this difficult time. know you are not alone.
Love, N-
__________________
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
  #6  
July 27th, 2006, 11:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
I felt the same way you do now after my second m/c. I was so angry at God. I did the unthinkable. I ranted and vented for 30 minutes in front of my (then)12 year old son. I told him there couldn't be a God because if there was then why does he take babies from the mothers that want them so badly. If there is a God then he's more evil than Satan. I went for half an hour, telling him all of those thing. I was so bitter and angry I didn't even consider what I was doing to my son by showing him so much hate and anger. I know that I was just hurting and that was how I lashed out. First I blamed God, then I blamed myself, then I wanted to blame My DH, I just kept trying to find people to blame after each m/c. Then I also realized that there is no-one to blame, it's just nature. That's just the way it is and there is nobody to blame.

You have every right to want a girl. I wanted a girl for a long time, but after losing 7 babies I just wanted a healthy happy baby and didn't really care what sex it was. Everyone kept telling me "you need a girl" or "you already have a boy, so you really have to keep trying for a girl" and I did. Now I have two boys and that will be all for me but I'm happy because my boys are the greatest and I couldn't ask for more.

Just have patience and allow yourself to heal and make peace with your God (whatever or whoever he is) and know that he is with you to support you and comfort you but not to hurt you.
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