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I want to warn you all this may be a bit sensitive...
Last night i had a very unpleasant dream of the memory of my first loss, and how i wish it had happened vs how it really happened.
My first loss was hard and unexpected as i didnt know i was pregnant until it was too late and was still pretty young. I had been out partying and had only known for about 2-3 days i was pregnant. I got into a fight with a guy who thought he and i were dating but we barely even knew each other or even talked. well he drove me home around 2-3 am and shoved me from his moving car and i hit a street sign. i had to walk 5 miles home down a remote highway to my parents house, which is in the middle of stinkin no where. I woke up the next morning to a soaked bed. freaked out cleaned it up threw in a tampon and went about my day so my mom wouldnt know. i remember changing the tampon out in our hall bathroom and when it came out... something came with it. and it was larger than the tampon, and pretty easy to see and developed. being young of course i panicked, stared at it a moment and flushed.
My dream? all the same but i didnt flush. I took it out and rushed to the local clinic and met with my doctor and had her check me and it and hide from my parents and the insurance what happened. I had the baby cremated privately and the ashes put into a urn in the shape of one of those fairies you see statues of at various shops, the very fantasy colorful beautiful ceramic ones. I brought the fairie and ashes with me everywhere i went and held it close. It was a touching dream, but very emotional. And now i feel like a horrible person for not acting more on what happened. I dont know how far along i was, but for it to be as developed and large i had to have been a few months. And with just suffering a loss so recently its making it so much harder to deal with.
I'm sorry sweetie. That dream is enough to shake anyone.
~TTC #1 together 1 year and counting ~
Battling Estrogen Dominance, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Recurrent Miscarriage one day at a time
Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew and Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel and Dee 01/18/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1dKonnor 11/24/2012@3w6d"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d
Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d
What a terrible memory to relive over and over again. Let me share something with you in hopes that it'll help ease your discomfort. Very few people know this. In fact, when I go to the OB, I never mention it.
Over 20 years ago, when I was a senior in High School I got sick. I was throwing up, doubled over in pain and all of a sudden, I started bleeding like never before. It went on for 2 days and then subsided, but only a little. I too, threw in a tampon and tried to function, but couldn't. My mom thought I had an infection so she brought me to the Pediatrician. The pediatrician examined me, asked my mother to step out of the room and then told me I had had a miscarriage. She wasn't sure but I was somewhere around 7 weeks, maybe more. I didn't know I was pregnant. I didn't know anything about my cycles, being a runner I often skipped for months at a time. I never told my mom. I don't think I ever really wanted to believe it.
How often over the last 20+ years have I looked back at my naivety and innocence, my fear and simple inexperience of life. Can I regret my actions or what happened during those days of my HS senior year? I can't. I can only be glad that I have learned so much from those days, and am walking a different path.
Don't look back anymore. Our past is there for us to learn from, but not to agonize over with regret. You will find no peace if you dwell on that which you simply cannot change. It is so hard to do, but you will be able to do it.
Thank you all. Typically i dont think about it and its never spoken of. For me its easiest to push everything to the back of my mind, out of sight out of mind type deal. But every once in a while something surfaces and its raw and fresh all over again. And then today someone made the comment that i should just stop trying an adopt a baby! I was just like, "well ya im adopted but i kind of want another of my own. But if it doesnt work out, then yes we will adopt. "
And she was just like "well remember there's all those Chinese babies no one wants, you can have one or two of those."
I was appalled, i couldnt even respond, how could i know what to respond with? So i just stared at her, she stared at me and just walked away... O.o