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Will I ever be happy? (a question for grads mostly)...


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
June 27th, 2013, 07:43 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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Will I ever be happy? Even if we do manage to somehow have a baby... will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to be happy for others?

I am having a really really rough day and honestly I'm just not sure going forward with trying to have a baby is worth it. Right now I feel I'd be better off just being miserable about everyone else having what I can't have rather than continuing to try and fail over and over.
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Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #2  
June 27th, 2013, 05:32 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
First off, When you hold your baby the first time and look into their eyes, you will be happy. Even on the hard days, like the losses after Marsi, I could look at her laughing and still be happy in that moment. You will grieve, but have such a joy that seems to melt away the sadness when you see your child.

ETA: if you have any doubt about being happy, know that to me, it is worth going through all the pain of loss just for a chance at another baby because it is worth it.
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Last edited by geogeek; June 27th, 2013 at 05:50 PM.
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  #3  
June 27th, 2013, 06:58 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 26,468
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Thank you Rachel. That brings me a bit of comfort today.

I have a suspicion a family member is pregnant. I suspected it from Facebook.. then someone joined JM's march ddc, with a story that is very close to hers.. but also different. So I have no idea. I'm probably reading too much into everything.. but I know she was coming off the pill in June...

I'm just low. So so low. I'm tired of trying. I just want it to happen. I want to be excited when people get pregnant rather than stewing and being angry at them for it. I want to BE pregnant, I want to have a baby! 18 months trying as of today. 4 miscarriages... and no end in sight right now. *sigh*
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #4  
June 27th, 2013, 07:30 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
Seeing other people get the thing that you have wanted and tried so hard for years to get is something that I still have anger over. That one doesn't go away as fast, if at all. I really, really hope that the thyroid medications get worked out and you will be able to have your rainbow baby. The days where I thought that someone was pregnant or when they flat out announced it were the lowest of the lows. You are definitely in thoughts as you go through this.
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  #5  
June 27th, 2013, 11:40 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,556
All of this hurt & heart break IS worth it. Everyday good & bad & horrible.

I still get angry over people TTC or pregnant. I hate the naive comments people make.

:hugs:
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  #6  
June 28th, 2013, 08:59 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Ladies.

I'm starting to hear the "well you have Reme." comments a lot lately. As if a child that I can love, but have no rights to makes up for my body just refusing to stay (or get) pregnant. The only person who can give me any comfort saying that is Reme, and he will say it once in a while. Climb up on my lap and lay his head on his shoulder and say "If you never get to have a baby you will always have me, I can be your son."

I just hate that I'm Jealous all the time. I hate that I just cannot find it in me to be Happy for someone who is pregnant. Or if I can be happy, that feeling of Jealousy gets worse and makes things harder on me the whole time. *sigh*

This body better freaking do what it is supposed to or I just might lose my head in 3 weeks.
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #7  
June 28th, 2013, 10:19 AM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,797
And this is why I still come around here... Even after adopting two children I was still jealous of other peoples pregnancies and babies. Particularly those who fell pregnant and had no business being pregnant. It helped that when i adopted my kids I was single and had no business ttc.

Fertilities is such a fickle thing. I got my first baby after 9 years of not using any protection three of those years married and TTC. Infertility was too much for my imature marriage, and was a contributing factor in my divorce. My divorce was final Oct 23, he got remarried Dec 23rd, and they had their first of four children in August.

After having my opppse baby it wasn't until being married again for three years and giving up on infertility treatment that i got pregnant with Scarlett. After he we had three losses and I swear that Beau was worth every tear. Tessa was a fluke, I swear, and she is only 13 months younger than Beau.

I thought everything was great until i lost Seth, buit for me trying again as soon as possible was best. Everything is going well with Cade he is viaable and active, I know there is no guarentees but seriosuly there never is.

When you do get your rainbow baby that moment with be so sweet. And you will be happy for everyone who is blessed, even if you are TTC again. I think that everyone even those with perfect reproductive history is annoyed by people who have no business having kids so that never goes away.

Good luck and many blessings.
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  #8  
June 28th, 2013, 07:35 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,986
I understand how you feel. I'm not a grad to give you comfort, I'm on your same path- 11 months of TTC, 3 losses. Sometimes I'm so, so confident about going forward. Sometimes I can't even look at a pregnant person, and block all the expectant and new moms i know on FB. You're not alone.
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  #9  
June 28th, 2013, 10:41 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,556
I can't hide the pregnancies in my news feed, but I don't read them. Cause they'll piss me off. I understand most people just b!tch on FB anyways, but please find something good in your pregnancy, PLEASE.

Even with my rainbow, I still find myself jealous or angry. It isn't AS BAD, BUT it is still there.

Ashley, I hope your body gets the memo and kicks itself into gear. Will be thinking of you!
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  #10  
June 29th, 2013, 08:59 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I have been fortunate that most of my friends LIKE being pregnant until about 36+ weeks.. and at that point I think some complaints are a given. What I can't take is the 1-2 new ones every month.. most of whom already have children.

Another thing I cannot take lately are the people who are nothing but sunshine and roses. I've had a few life long friends delete me recently because I've had negative things to say. For example my BEST FRIEND from middle school deleted me last month after I ranted in April while on a road trip. My car partly broke down (could be driven, but would have ruined the transmission), in a nowhere town in Illinois at 4am. I had a crying 7 year old, a crying cat, and no funnel to put trans fluid in. So I complained about the stupid car and how I couldn't wait to replace it. Her response was "just be glad you can afford the car, insurance and gas. many other's cant." I'm still not sure why the other friend deleted me... I heard through the grape vine she said it was because she said I complain about Reme too much, and she hopes we don't have more children because I'm obviously not cut out for mother hood.

I didn't realize that I had to enjoy every single aspect of being a parent. So when a kid gets angry and chucks a book at his dad's head I'm supposed to find a way to be happy about it? Screw that!

I love my life as a whole.. but I do not love certain aspects, as I'm sure we all have that. In fact, if you tell me there isn't anything about your life you don't dislike.. I'm going to call you a liar.


Ty Mel, I'm glad to see I'm not alone.


Meagan it better get the clue. I'm taking more dang pills in one day than most people take in a week. I'm drinking yucky tea to hopefully get a better egg and boost my progesterone levels. I'll be smearing on progesterone cream after ovulation to buy myself an extra day or so in the cycle.... if it doesn't get the clue soon well... let's just hope the new OB I have to find might be more helpful. Hoping we find a new apartment next week so I can spend the rest of it buying insurance.
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #11  
July 1st, 2013, 03:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,556
Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
I have been fortunate that most of my friends LIKE being pregnant until about 36+ weeks.. and at that point I think some complaints are a given. What I can't take is the 1-2 new ones every month.. most of whom already have children.

Another thing I cannot take lately are the people who are nothing but sunshine and roses. I've had a few life long friends delete me recently because I've had negative things to say. For example my BEST FRIEND from middle school deleted me last month after I ranted in April while on a road trip. My car partly broke down (could be driven, but would have ruined the transmission), in a nowhere town in Illinois at 4am. I had a crying 7 year old, a crying cat, and no funnel to put trans fluid in. So I complained about the stupid car and how I couldn't wait to replace it. Her response was "just be glad you can afford the car, insurance and gas. many other's cant." I'm still not sure why the other friend deleted me... I heard through the grape vine she said it was because she said I complain about Reme too much, and she hopes we don't have more children because I'm obviously not cut out for mother hood.

I didn't realize that I had to enjoy every single aspect of being a parent. So when a kid gets angry and chucks a book at his dad's head I'm supposed to find a way to be happy about it? Screw that!

I love my life as a whole.. but I do not love certain aspects, as I'm sure we all have that. In fact, if you tell me there isn't anything about your life you don't dislike.. I'm going to call you a liar.

Ty Mel, I'm glad to see I'm not alone.

Meagan it better get the clue. I'm taking more dang pills in one day than most people take in a week. I'm drinking yucky tea to hopefully get a better egg and boost my progesterone levels. I'll be smearing on progesterone cream after ovulation to buy myself an extra day or so in the cycle.... if it doesn't get the clue soon well... let's just hope the new OB I have to find might be more helpful. Hoping we find a new apartment next week so I can spend the rest of it buying insurance.
If you enjoyed every aspect as a parent, you are doing something wrong. I seen that chicks comment & was like whoa ***! People :-/ I swear
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  #12  
July 1st, 2013, 05:42 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
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*hugs* Ashley, I wonder the same things. It sucks to keep hearing that others are pregnant. My cousins that got married after me are all on baby #2 or #3. We've been TTC so many years now and so many losses....I just don't know if its worth it. I'm taking oodles of pills and if I ever ovulate will be on progesterone again...I'm just tired of dealing with all this.
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2006-2013 6+ years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal | Endo, PCOS, severe MFI
Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

Broken in heart, mind, and body. On a break until Summer 2014






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  #13  
July 1st, 2013, 06:46 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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*hugs* Jen I always get heart broken when I see you doing more and more stuff just to try and get pregnant. It isn't fair.

I'm on CD 10.. no positive opk yet.. I expect it in the next 36 hours if I'm responding to the vitex like the last 2 times. I can feel the O headache coming on. I just hope it holds off until tomorrow.. that way I'm back down with DH. He asked for today off so he didn't have to get up earlier (he already gets up at 5am). I had to come home to snuggle the cat and get Reme so his step dad could go to work (didn't have enough notice to get a sitter, and his sitter's away this week anyway.

There've been a few more hints dropped on FB that my cousin might be pregnant. I swear if someone doesn't have the balls to tell me personally so I don't read about it in a status update in a few weeks I will absolutely lose my head. I already feel like the lost sheep as it is.. and I am the one who's had a dozen flipping miscarriages!
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #14  
July 1st, 2013, 07:12 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: west, but east. south, but not north.
Posts: 7,759
I'm still waiting to O...I think. but we'll see what this week brings. I at least found out that my cousins are pregnant via someone..but they chose to tell me that info ON FATHERS DAY. gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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My Blog
2006-2013 6+ years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal | Endo, PCOS, severe MFI
Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

Broken in heart, mind, and body. On a break until Summer 2014






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  #15  
July 2nd, 2013, 06:42 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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ugh.. I'd have flipped Jen!

I have a feeling if she is pregnant they'll make the fb announcement at 12 weeks.. which would be the twins anniversary, or my dad's birthday... regardless.. unless I am successfully pregnant myself I'm going to be an awfully jealous witch over it all. If it isn't enough they already think I should let who ever gets pregnant first have my baby stash...yeah.. no. She's already got everything my aunt had from her last baby (who is 3)... she's not going to get my stuff too!
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
Cycle 1: Clomid cd3-7 ~ bfn
Cycle 2: Clomid cd 3-7
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  #16  
July 8th, 2013, 11:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,115
... More reasons why I don't even log into FB. I'm on the avoidance team. Pregos on JM make me happy. But irl- I stay away. Yes, I'm jealous. And SO really dislikes that in me. But what can I say? It's how I feel. You have hope ash. Hugs..
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