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Daughter in law not handling multiple losses well.


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #21  
October 31st, 2013, 11:24 AM
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I believe I admitted that I don't know what she's going through, but now you all want me to act like she does not exist. At least, that's what I'm getting.
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  #22  
October 31st, 2013, 02:31 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
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No. We aren't saying act like she doesn't exist. We're saying give her space. When you call, act like nothing is different- ask whats new, talk about tv, whatever- BUT DO NOT MENTION anything about the losses or anything. Let her decide what she is willing to share. Give her the space to grieve.
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  #23  
October 31st, 2013, 10:29 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I also want to comment that she is handling it well. As long as she's alive, she's doing it right. It's her life, her grief. You are on the second tier and if you dump on her, she has more emotional burden.

It can take me days to answer an email. I forget simple things like ingredients for a meal. I don't know what day of the week it is most of the time. Someone with good intentions can still do harm especially when all of her energy is going to just staying afloat.

Leave her be. Honestly yes leave her alone. About THAT topic. Treat her as you normally would and respect her need for space. We don't have to talk about that topic to be supported and helped. I'm different. I talk about it all the time and others get sick of that, I'm sure. This is her way and it needs to be given space and time.
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  #24  
November 1st, 2013, 09:34 AM
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Well you certainly don't have to worry about me calling her. Like I said, she's hung up on me twice.
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  #25  
November 1st, 2013, 10:33 AM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thats ok. She needs boundaries right now. Boundaries protect us and she needs to feel like she has control in her life when everything else is out of control.

We didnt talk to our inlaws for months following Ree's death because they just had terrible boundaries. We finally shut them out because it was all about them.

This isn't a time to be offended by anything she does. It's not about you I sense a lot of frustration and anger at her behavior and I would really encourage you to remember that she is doing the best she can following the loss of a child.

You have no idea how you would react until you've been there. Everybody says that they would just go crazy if this happened to them. Well it's happening to her right now. There's no way to possibly judge or evaluate how somebody would respond a situation like this
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Last edited by Lash; November 1st, 2013 at 11:13 AM.
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  #26  
November 1st, 2013, 12:13 PM
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It's not her I'm angry with, but I am a little frustrated with her. I'm also frustrated with the fact that hardly anyone can reach her.
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  #27  
November 1st, 2013, 12:32 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Why is that so frustrating?
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  #28  
November 1st, 2013, 12:43 PM
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Because that is simply not her.
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  #29  
November 1st, 2013, 01:06 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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She is no longer going to be the person that you remember. This isn't a short-term thing that will affect her, it will change her permanently. She may change the way she reacts to it down the road but it's not a situation where she goes back to being herself after a while
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  #30  
November 1st, 2013, 01:12 PM
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Really now? So she's just going to push everyone, including my son, away.
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  #31  
November 1st, 2013, 01:22 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
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No one has said she is going to push everyone away. What we have all said is that she is forever changed by what has happened and you cannot judge her now based on past behavior. She might be pushing her husband away because she is mad at him for telling you what had happened. She might be pushing him away because she just can't cope. She might just be trying to deal with this how she can without breaking down further and not realizing that she is pushing everyone away.

If your son is truly concerned, he should seek out a counselor to talk to about how he is dealing with this and see if a licensed professional has any advice for him to help him and his wife through this. You need to allow them to deal with this and stop being so offended that she hasn't bounced back already and able to do what you want. Maybe in a few months she will be able to talk about it, but right now she's heading into the hellacious holiday season. Everyone grieves in their own way, allow them to grieve in their own way, on their own time.
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  #32  
November 1st, 2013, 01:24 PM
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I'm not expecting her to bounce back, thank you.
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  #33  
November 1st, 2013, 01:27 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok honestly if you're going to start getting snappy and be ****** especially to people who have had their own losses I really have nothing else left to say to you and I can see exactly what she's pushing you away. Exactly why. This is overbearing, selfish, you're making it about you, and are now snapping at people that are just trying to give you simple help. I wouldn't want to have a thing to do with you either. Quite frankly just shut your mouth and stop posting and read some actual responses and emotions of people on this board. Stop talking and start listening.

Only edited to change spelling. I stand by my words. You're also dumping on all of US you know with this behavior. We're all in the same boat as your DIL yet its ok to be rude to us. Gotcha.
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Last edited by Lash; November 1st, 2013 at 01:32 PM.
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  #34  
November 1st, 2013, 01:34 PM
*JenJen*'s Avatar impatiently waiting
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You know, when you started this thread, we all thought you were a wonderful, kind, amazing, sensitive MIL and wished our MIL's could be like you. Now we are seeing your true colors and that you wanted the attention rather than to truly support her.

Stop being a ***** and actually read and listen to what we are saying. This is not about you. This is about your son, your DIL, and the precious babies they have lost. They are grieving, you are being a heinous, selfish, bratty ***** because your DIL has not fallen all over you and shared her grief with you, allowing you to get the attention you think you deserve. Step back and let them be. Go find a therapist who will allow you to talk to them about how you can better deal with this and support them. But stop asking for advice and then taking it the wrong way because we're not telling you what you want.

I'm done wasting my time trying to help you be a better MIL. I hope that your son and DIL are able to get through this time and hopefully build their family in the future if and when they are ready.
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Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

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  #35  
November 1st, 2013, 01:34 PM
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I am not making this about me, and frankly you're not the only one feeling attacked.

Well I thought you were all nice as well, then it turned to leave her alone, don't bother her. This is not about me, this is about her, but be that way if you so choose.
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  #36  
November 1st, 2013, 02:31 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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THIS post is about you. It's you asking what you can do to support her, not have us explain the inner workings of her mind. THIS thread is all about what you can do
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  #37  
November 1st, 2013, 02:47 PM
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I wish I'd searched your post history earlier, as I usually do to make sure I know the entire story. This was your post in the welcome center, your first post on JM:
Quote:
Originally Posted by serena.j View Post
Hello. I found this site earlier and decided why not. My own son is grown and married, but he and his wife are having trouble with pregnancy. She has miscarried a few times. Anything to help, I guess, even if she doesn't want it. I hope everyone is having a nice day.
You knew even then that she didn't want help, but yet you still continue to try and force your way into their grief. Let them be. Stop being a voyeur into their pain and let them deal. You want to truly help? send them a nice big fat check and tell them that you want them to use the money however they see fit- fertility treatments, adoption, or a nice vacation to let them have some time to just be.
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2006-2013 6+ years of NTNP, TTC, TTCMA, Losses, Surgeries, and Diagnoses.
RPL and Genetic Tests came back 100% normal | Endo, PCOS, severe MFI
Multiple early losses between 3 and 8 weeks.

Broken in heart, mind, and body. On a break until Summer 2014






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  #38  
November 1st, 2013, 03:01 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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We gave you the advice we could. We were all thrilled that you were out of the norm wanting to help... but slowly you've shown us the truth.

You want to be part of the pain. Not support them in their pain, but you want, need, HAVE TO BE part of it.

This is NOT your pain. It is theirs. Love them, support them. Make them a dinner, leave a chipper mesnsage on their machine, send them a freaking text. But you are NOT PART OF THIS. You have no right to do more than offer support. They don't have to take it.

Your DIL is not herself. Not anymore. And she may never be. I have many JM friends who will stand here and tell you that they are not the same person they were before their loss. And really.. how could they be?

The more you push into it, the harder she's going to push everyone out. Not just you, but everyone who comes near her.


Have you ever heard "my life is in the toilet"? For most of us.. that's not a saying.. it is a reality. And until you've literally flushed your life down it... you are a bystander in the whole situation and need to butt out.
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  #39  
November 8th, 2013, 12:01 PM
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i couldnt agree more with you ladies!You wanted our help, we gave it to you, and get mad because its not the answer you were wanting to hear. Take it from all of us who have been therem we know the most about it and know what helped us the most, if it wasnt for work and school i wouldnt have gotten out of bed the first few months. I know im a completely different person that i was before. some of the relationships she has with people will suffer, that is a given, but as long as you stand by her and let her grieve on her own, the way she wants to, and be there for her when she's ready. thats all that counts.
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