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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
August 21st, 2006, 11:42 AM
Saigon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Dyess AFB, Texas
Posts: 2,517
Im a semi regular lurker...But I just needed to get this out. For the longest time I had convinced myself that I was over two of my miscarriages. They were with my ex husband. But recently I realized that I had just pushed them out of my mind and just told myself they meant very little.

Recently, my ex contacted me tell me he was sorry for various things in our relationship and that he wanted to tell me how much they meant to him. All this time I didn't think he cared.

We had a long looooong talk about them and various other things and it helped a lot. His new wife is pushing for a baby She just turned 22 and he is 27. Yet he is having a hard time getting to the point he feels comfortable with the idea after such loss.

She said something to him that hurts me not only for what it was but that he had to hear that from a woman that loves him.

"You should be happy and relieved the babies died. That means you aren't tied to her forever. G-d knows you didn't care for her so he made sure that nothing came of it"


HOW COULD SOMEONE SAY THAT?!?!

Especially someone that says she is extremely religious?

I know he and I didn't have the best marriage. the first month he was on TDY in another state. the next we spent in billeting waiting for our flat to be finished, by the time we moved in to our own place, we were already pregnant and excited then shortly after I lost the baby. I was in and out of the hospital for a month then he was sent TDY again, I became pregnant again and miscarried, then spent more time in an out of the hospital. My little brother lived with us for a couple months, we were dealing with the aftermath of Sept 11th and being in the military, shortly after the 2nd miscarriage my uncle ended up in the hospital and was dying from complications of AIDS so we were dealing with preparing for that loss. After all that, things got rough and we both ran. Before I knew it we were divorcing.

We didn't divorce because of lack of love...but more loving each other so much we couldnt stand hurting each other so much.

A bird may love a fish, but where would they make thier home?

I feel badly he has to experience all this on his own. Yet she dislikes us trying to heal from our losses and not including her in it. I don't know what Im really trying to say in this...but my heart is aching not only for our lost children, but for the pain he is feeling and the fact there was nothing I did to help him then.

His new wife (I lovingly refer to as hotdog..long story) constantly tells us to get over the past and to forget about it because SHE is his wife now and anything up to this point isnt important. And that we need to stop living in the past.

I know I shouldn't dwell on it...but I know I haven't even began to process it at all. I know I need to and part of that is knowing he is healing as well...but he and I both agree that we need each other to do this. Not that we want to get back together or we will do anything improper...but that we need to sit down together and be able to speak about it together.

What should I do???

Should I take in consideration that she IS his wife now and regardless of how he and I want to be friends let that go as well?

My DH has no worries of anything happening and knows we need this for me to be a better person and a happier person. my ex and I both want this...but I don't want to upset her.

Should I stop worrying about other peoples feelings for once in my life and do what I need? Or does society tell me that I need to let go and move on. I've tried talking to a therapist but he says that until I resolve and realize that I was indeed pregnant and that the children were concieved out of love and not just mistakes...Im never going to be able to grieve...

Ive caused my ex so much pain in his life, that I don't want to cause problems with his wife. Yet I know he needs my support to heal from this.

Why does life have to be so difficult?
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  #2  
August 21st, 2006, 12:08 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
You've been through a lot in a very short time. I don't really have any advice for you other than for each of you to do what feels right in your heart. If that means working together for healing or working through it on your own, I can't say. It will be hard at first, regardless of the path you take, but healing that hurt will help you in so many ways. You'll never forget the ones you lost, but putting off the healing will only make the pain show up later, when you least expect it. We'll be here for you anytime. Please come out of lurkdom and let us be a shoulder for you to cry on.

Quote:
A bird may love a fish, but where would they make thier home?[/b]
From Ever After, right? I LOVE that movie!
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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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  #3  
August 21st, 2006, 12:11 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Wow...that's a hard situation to be in. I can't imagine the thoughts and emotions that you must be going through right now. I'm glad you've posted. I don't have any words of insight but wanted to let you know that you've found a very supportive group of women here and we're glad you've come here.

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  #4  
August 21st, 2006, 06:23 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I am so very sorry for your losses. I wish I had something deep & profound to say about your current situation, but it is a bit complicated for me to be able to take it all in right now. I will think about it for a while & post again - I first have to really look at the whole picture. It is an unusual situation & I want to give it proper thought before answering. In the meantime i send you prayers for peace & healing.

Much love-
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
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  #5  
August 22nd, 2006, 07:13 PM
srs srs is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
I'm sorry that I also don't have any words of wisdom, but I am glad that you shared. Hopefully doing that helped a bit, even though it certainly doesn't make your problems disappear. Good luck, and
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  #6  
August 23rd, 2006, 10:52 AM
Saigon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Dyess AFB, Texas
Posts: 2,517
Thanks for all the help. It is still rough but I know it will one day get better
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