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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
August 21st, 2006, 12:01 PM
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Why do I keep putting myself in these situations??? Back in February I agreed to go away with some woemn from my church to my friends cottage in the Muskoka's and this past weekend was the getaway. I thought I would be strong enough to go but I was wrong. I volunteered to drive and had a vehicle of 3 other ladies and most of our stuff. There were 10 of us in total and seeing as how I don't usually like being with large groups of women...I was in a little over my head!

I had no idea that I was going to be the only person there who DIDN'T have kids, and the majority of the conversations revolved around their kids and mom issues. They failed to see that what they experienced was also something that women in general dealt with and instead they labelled everything as a mom thing. I was even centred out on a few occassions because I didn't have any kids. GRRRR!!!! I sooooo badly wanted to blurt out what I was going through but didn't feel safe doing so, and I kept quiet or pretended to be busy with my book or crossword puzzles. One woman has made so many comments to me through the past year and I've so badly wanted to throttle her on many occassions. It turns out that she decided to sit in the front with me while I drove.

On the way home the opportunity came to share what I was going through (2 other women were there that I felt safe with) and the woman who drives me nuts just sat there stunned with egg on her face. I could tell she felt bad for what she's said to me all this time. People don't realize how powerful their words are. I even shared how frustrated I am that most women act like their uterus defines who they are. Not all women have kids, and not all women are able to have kids. If women are defined as having kids than a large portion of the female population is outcasted and that's not right. Strong words...you betcha, but I felt they needed to be said. I've bottled things up for years and they just came out. I don't care if I ticked anybody off but I felt better sharing this. The women in my vehicle were a little shocked but then started to understand what I was saying.

I even shared how I feel so alienated at our church because we're the only couple in the ENTIRE chruch without kids and how this past weekend was very difficult for me because of the conversations and how I couldn't relate to most people because they live their lives through their kids and they don't know who they are as a women. I'm sick and tired of comments like..."It must be nice to have lots of spare time since you don't have kids", "You're not a real family because you don't have any kids", "As mother's it's so difficult to relate to our husbands, but you must have a great marriage since it's just the 2 of you", "What are you waiting for...you're not getting any younger", etc.

I found out 2 of the women struggled to have kids as well and I would have never guessed that. They've never said any of those hurtful comments to me before and always chose their words wisely and now I know why. They've been in my shoes and know how much it hurts. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone that I've met some women IRL who have gone through this. One lady struggled with m/c and infertility for over 11 years and I felt hope after talking with her.

I don't know where I'm going with this. My thoughts are all over the place and I'm sure this email is jumbled up. I have my good days and I have my bad days, and today is in between.
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  #2  
August 21st, 2006, 12:13 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Nicole, I'm so proud of you for standing up to the woman who's given you trouble for so long. I know that felt good for you and it was important for her to hear. I'm also glad you know of some others IRL who have struggled. I bet there were more than the three of you this weekend, but starting with the smaller group was probably a better way to begin talking about it. Even though the weekend itself was difficult, it sounds like God put you in that situation to share your history with the insensitive woman and to gain two new friends.
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  #3  
August 21st, 2006, 12:17 PM
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Kathryn...I never thought of it like that before, but I think you're onto something there. I was so guarded the entire weekend and used humour to be the ice breaker for most things and people just think I'm a happy person, but I suffer in silence and people are shocked to see that I hurt. I don't have a perfect life like they think I do and there's no way I was going to share what I did unless God did open up that door.

Thanks for helping me to see that.
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  #4  
August 21st, 2006, 12:23 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm here for ya'! I use humor in stressful situations all the time, so I understand completely. I also try to find the sunny side of everything, which usually just annoys people.
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  #5  
August 21st, 2006, 12:28 PM
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Quote:
I also try to find the sunny side of everything, which usually just annoys people. [/b]
Can I ever relate to that! I can give the advice and look at the positive side of any situation but for reason when it comes to my own life I fail to follow my own advice! That's for being here hun.
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  #6  
August 21st, 2006, 06:17 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am really glad you got hte opportunity to share & were brave enough to do so. It is awful to feel left out & to know that no one else really understands....but you found a way to get through all of that & to be able to open up a bit & that takes a lot of strength - you should be very proud.
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  #7  
August 22nd, 2006, 07:11 PM
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Wow, sounds like quite an experience. It seems like it was a good thing for you to do, and maybe it will help you heal, and educate some people while you're at it.
This is kind of unfortunate, but I've found that people don't really get it unless you get into the gory details. And it's pretty unusual to get into that deep with someone, but it sounds like you did.
By the way - I admire how you and Kathryn are very positive. I wish I could be more like that.
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  #8  
August 22nd, 2006, 07:29 PM
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Wow, Nicole! I'm so proud of you for opening up to others IRL.. I know it definitely wasn't easy, but you did a great job, and in letting yourself be vulnerable and let out your anger, you helped those other women share their pain as well.. Not to mention, I think you definitely knocked some sense into the woman that always gives you a hard time & told her some things that she definitely needed to hear. Great job sweetie.. I'm sorry the getaway itself was less than pleasant, but continue to try to hold onto the end of the trip..

Quote:
By the way - I admire how you and Kathryn are very positive. I wish I could be more like that. [/b]
You both do a fabulous job finding the silver lining in even the darkest moments, even if it takes a little reflection time to find it..
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  #9  
August 23rd, 2006, 06:13 AM
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Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. It's so easy to be overcome with the grief and trust me...I have my days!!! Yet I hope...I may have a baby in my arms and I may never...I just don't know that right now, but I have friends and family and a good life when I stop and reflect on it. I may never know why I'm going through this but it's making me stronger and I'm forever changed.

I've learned some lessons these past few years that some people never learn, and I've had a chance to learn them while I'm still young so I can now continue down the path of life with more knowledge than I had before.

Thanks for being my pillow ladies and that soft spot for me to land! IRL I appear strong but inside it's a different story and besides my DH, this is the only place that I can express my thoughts.
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  #10  
August 23rd, 2006, 11:17 AM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I wish I had the courage you do to speak up. Most people IRL don't even know about my m/c's. Maybe that's my way of coping...the fewer people that know, the fewer people who can tell me all of the things I DON'T want to hear. I guess I feel like it is easier to ignore than to say anything because they don't know. Maybe if I had the courage to speak up just once to someone and tell them that the reason I don't have another child isn't because we aren't trying, but because we've had 2 m/c's, then maybe they would think twice before saying something like that to someone else that it could potentially hurt. Maybe I will take a lesson from you, Nicole, and speak up the next time.

Quote:
By the way - I admire how you and Kathryn are very positive. I wish I could be more like that.[/b]
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  #11  
August 23rd, 2006, 05:36 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
Yet I hope...I may have a baby in my arms and I may never...I just don't know that right now, but I have friends and family and a good life when I stop and reflect on it. I may never know why I'm going through this but it's making me stronger and I'm forever changed.

I've learned some lessons these past few years that some people never learn, and I've had a chance to learn them while I'm still young so I can now continue down the path of life with more knowledge than I had before.[/b]
How true.
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