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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
August 27th, 2006, 04:58 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I just would love an update from anyone who feels willing to share. I know for some of us it's been a little while since our most recent loss, for some of us, not long at all. Some are undergoing tests, which have their own types of stress that come with it...and others of us have new reasons to stress. I just would like to get an idea of where everyone is at in hopes that maybe we can offer a littel extra love & support to eachother as we each try to find our own way through this journey.

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For me - I am doing okay. As many of you know my 17 yr old niece, whom I am very close to, has been diagnosed with cancer. I still have had no luck getting my sister to be a better support to her daughter during this time & she seems completely concerned with the most stupid things (likeh te fact that my niece will get skinny again from radiation - which just makes me want to choke my sis - she says this as a good thing - which BTW - my niece was "skinny" before from anorexia & right now is 5ft 8in & a healhty 125lbs). My niece asked me this week if I will take her away before her surgery Sept 7th...to go have some fun. I was able to get Weds-Fri off this week & will take to a hotal about an hour away that has an indoor waterpark. She & Joel are crazy at waterparks & had soooo much fun last time we took her, I couldn't think of a better place to spend a couple days with her. She knows I am pg now & is very sad that when she starts her radiation treatments, I cannot be there for her. It makes me very sad too & it somehow feels like such an immensely cruel twist that when I finally get pg & things look good, it becomes a hindrance in this case. I know everyone wants to say "things happen for a reason" blah, blah , blah. To me - I cannot wrap my brain around the concept that just when she might need me most, I cannot bring her home & hold her like I would normally. It truly breaks my heart more than I can even begin to describe. She still is not living at home with her parents & has just begun to sound like she might be willing to live with me, particularly during her treatment & then this.... I told her she is still welcome & that my mom is nearby & so is my other sister..and brother, etc. I told her we would all take care of her & I could stay elsewhere during the times I cannot be around (during her radiation) - like at my parents' house. Joel is willing to do this as well - as I know she really only feels comfortable at my home, since she has stayed here almost as in her own home. Anyway - that's where things are with that..

I am doing okay with the pg. My niece being sick has been a bit of a distraction from my typical worries I suppose. For the most part I have quit expecting to see blood every time I go to the bathroom - but I can't say it would shock me either. I did however decide to quit living like it was coming - and took my baby step of taking off my pad. I have been wearing one now ever since af didn't show & as many of you know with today being Sunday - it seem quite an accomplishment to me to makes that decision. I don't know when my next appt is - I need to call & find out. I cannot find my appt card. I know it's in Sept - which is fast approaching - so I will call tomorrow. Perhaps it's part of self-defense to forget such things. I never used to - but then again I used to believe I wouldn't mc before the next appt arrived - and you know how that goes. I am starting to believe that's possible again - so I should probably keep track of the appts better.

My healing is an ongoing process...and who knows if/when it will ever be complete. Being pg has almost made some things worse, as it brings up a lot of unfinished emotional business with everything. Even in the fact that we aren't telling anyone brings up some old hurt feelings about the ways others have treated me over the past losses, how much I felt alone even when I reached out to them. I just hate the feeling that others are waiting for you to mc - and I feel that is where we are now - so I don't want that. So that's about where I am - trying to sort some of it - trying to find a place I feel eemotionally safe - some place without so many questions. I don't cry as often these days about hte babies - but I cry for my niece, I cry for hte unknown future of this pg - and I hate that I can't find a better sense of contentment. I cannot control this pg - my niece's outcome, or anything else - so why I feel the need to worry is beyond me...but yet I still do. I have been doing more meditation & overall it does me a world of good - but unfortunately I don't have enough time in a day to do all the meditating I would need to balance all of it completely.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
August 27th, 2006, 07:46 PM
srs srs is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
Well, let's see. I'm okay, relatively speaking. I look at my tickers and I can't believe that's it only been a few months since my last mc, because it seems like I've been struggling wih it forever. I am feeling more down than usual, but I think that's just the pg hormones, and I'm also a wreck waiting for my u/s on Tuesday. If that goes well, I think I will be feeling better, although I don't expect I will ever really relax with this one or enjoy it like I would if it were my first.
I definitely miss my old self a bit. It's been almost a year since we started ttc, and about eight months since mc#1, and I still can't get back into the swing of things, and now being pg again I've just kind of put it on hold. I still question my losses, and as much as I want to have moved on, I still ask "why?", and it's a strugglte to know that I'm probably never going to get an answer.
But all in all, I would have to say that progress has been made, particularly outwardly. I've stopped talking to people IRL about it, and that's actually made it better, not worse.

Thanks for asking, Beckie. It's good to really stop and think about it sometimes.
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  #3  
August 28th, 2006, 06:57 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
I'm okay. I've kept myself really busy with projects around the house and while I know I'm doing it so I don't have to dwell on what's happened, it has helped me to heal and allowed me to think and clear my head. I'm not as angry as I was, but I still have my bad days thrown in with some good days. I think sharing with the women in my vehicle the other week what's happened has been good for me. Yesterday at church one lady came up to me and asked how I was doing and that had been thinking of us. It felt nice to know that I've now got some support IRL. It's all about babysteps...since I have HUGE trust issues and fear being let down by people. So instead, I depend on myself and end up alienated myself from people. It's something I need to work on and as time goes by, I'm realizing it more than ever.

I think AF might be on her way, and I'm looking forward to it since it means I can begin the 2nd part of my testing with my RE. My temp's dropped this morning and I've started to cramp a bit. I'm hoping the cramps don't get too bad because I'm at work and don't have anything for pain relief, so I might be going home a bit early if things kick in.

I'm nervous about a wedding we have to attend next weekend. A childhood friend is getting married on Sept 8, and there is one person I'm not looking forward to seeing. (I made mention of her a couple times in the past). She's due in Sept and I have a feeling DH & I are sitting at the same table as her & her DH. She has a knack for saying the wrong thing and not thinking before she speaks and I can't handle seeing her pg. I've managed to avoid her for her entire pg but now I can't see how I can avoid her any longer. I'm not going to forego attending the wedding on a childhood friend (who I've known since I was 5 and we've been friends throughout elementary, middle and high school), to avoid one person.

I'm praying for the strength and courage to deal with whatever comes and if I have to...I will say something since nobody has ever said anything to put her in her place.
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  #4  
August 28th, 2006, 07:17 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Overall I'm doing pretty well. It helped a lot that my doc was so proactive about testing the second angel we lost. Knowing that our losses were chromosomal and that this current pg shows no signs of that has helped a lot. Still haven't told many people IRL. Only the ones I know will understand and pray for us. After next week's u/s, we'll feel more comfortable sharing the news. I'm not wearing a liner 24/7 anymore, but I do still check the tp. I think now it's more habit than anything. My heart leaps a little each time it comes out clean, though.

I haven't hit any EDDs or anniversaries yet, so not sure how that will go. First EDD isn't until Dec., so I don't have to worry about it yet.
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  #5  
August 28th, 2006, 04:10 PM
StephLS's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 653
Hanging in here. I just made it through my sister's baby shower on friday. That was kind of hard, but I did it. Now onto yet another shower in two weeks. This one is for my husband's cousin, who had a m/c same time as I did last Dec. It will be a lot easier to go to that one because I know she's been in my shoes at least a little bit and I'm glad to see her succeed.

The R/E tested me for thyroid antibodies and that came back negative. He's still monitoring me for this cycle. He was concerned about my FSH being 15 at cd 3 and mentioned fertility drugs, however I don't see us going in that direction. Currently for this cycle, he had me use opk and then come in for an ultrasound, this happened yesterday morning. Today I gave myself an HCG shot and dh & I have a date to bd tonight and tomorrow night. Thursday I'm supposed to start prometrium. And of all days to be able to test for bfp, I was told Monday Sept 11. I don't think I'll forget when I'll be able to test. Anyhow, I had been down in the dumps regarding the elevated FSH, but I found a website where several women have this problem and are still getting pg. So, I have a little hope. However, except for taking my synthroid and maybe doing the prometrium thing (my lp is short), dh and I would rather use our money to maybe try to adopt. I think this might be our last month of really trying to get pg. If it doesn't happen this month, then it will just have to happen on its own, if its meant to happen at all.

As far as healing is concerned. For the most part I'm ok, its just the little things here and there that remind me that my arms are still empty, that bring me down from time to time. My only choice is to let it out, then pick myself back up and keep moving forward.
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mom to
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Ryan born 6-18-08
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  #6  
August 28th, 2006, 06:43 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,479
I think that I am doing pretty well. I was ready to get p/g again, so I am glad that I am. However, I don't feel nearly as excited as I did with my last 2 p/g's and I feel a little guilty about that. The last 2 times I was p/g, I kept smiling and talking to DH about the baby. This time, even after I got the results from my HCG level tests, I didn't feel that excitement. I am beginning to wonder if I will, or if my experiences with my m/c's have changed the way I will feel about being p/g. I am in the habit of checking the TP every time I use the bathroom (and that isn't something I have ever done before). I have felt more peace at the beginning of this p/g than I did with the last 2, but I guess I feel like I can't let my guard down for fear of being disappointed yet again. When I called to scheduled my u/s at the hospital, they asked if the doctor thought that I was having twins. The lady said that most people reply, "Oh my goodness, I hope not!". It brought tears to my eyes when I told the lady that I would be happy with anything as long as I could bring a baby home.

Most times, I think that I am doing okay with my losses. This made me realize how much my heart still aches form my losses.

As scared as I am, I am slowly getting through this p/g. I have never prayed so much in my entire life, both for my baby and everyone else here as well. It seems to be helping me to get through without dwelling on the possibility of another m/c.

I am glad to see updates on how everyone is doing. Thanks for starting this topic, Beckie.
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