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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
September 19th, 2006, 12:12 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: CA
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Why is it that I feel like walking up to perfect strangers and saying "hello, I should be having a baby today but she died"....
Why is it yesterday when I was sent for my physical for work and the dr asked if I had children I said "no"?
Why is it that all I can do is think about what would be instead of accepting what is?
Why is not being pregnant today weighing on me so heavily?
Why is it that when my "friend" greets me with her usual phone call of daily complaints I want to tell her to shut the f-up?

I feel like I need something more...what that is I don't know...more recognition for her? More sympathy? More understanding?

Or maybe I just need her...and nothing will fulfill that need....

Why do the tears rest on the edge of my eyeballs escaping everytime I don't pay attention to their existence?

Why does no one IRL recognize today? Why is my baby "less than" a baby in so many eyes?

Why does it feel like if I will it hard enough...close my eyes tight enough, pray deeply enough that she could return...that time could rewind and the car accident never have happened....???

If only I had left the office 1 min later, she might still be here...

If only I had taken the 710 fwy to the 91 as opposed to the 101...

If only ..................................

Where is she? Can she see me? Can she feel me still like I can feel her...that uneasiness in my tummy, the hunger not being satisfied, the welcomed pain in my back from hern growing...can she still hear my heart beating just above her????????????

I am so sad...

I thought I was better...today's DD seems harder than the others...or maybe it's just living in the moment that is hard..............
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  #2  
September 19th, 2006, 12:58 PM
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I'm so sorry, Norina =(
There's not much we can say except that everyone here will encounter those days. That's what we here for, we're the best support out there!
I have so much respect for you and I'm sending you all the strength I can! It's so hard when everything people do just sets you off and then it just makes you feel worse for taking it out on others... but you need your time and your space, and you have every right to be consumed by it, especially today. It's always harder to deal in real life because it seems that no one will appreciate this day for you, and that is a horrible mistake by others.
I'm already dreading what would have been one year from my DD in November... I can't even tell you how much respect I have for you today.
I'm very sorry... and I hope you get by today, and at least have one smile, one laugh, one pleasant thought today! You're in my thoughts.
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  #3  
September 19th, 2006, 02:20 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Lots of and prayers for you, sweetie! I wish I had answers for all of your questions, but I'm not sure there are any. Know that if any of us lived close enough, you'd absolutely have IRL support today. But we're here for you in our hearts and sending all the love we can.

Lord, please bring Norina peace and comfort as only you can. Show her how much she's loved and let her know that Raven is always with her, even though they can't be physically together today. In the name of your Son, Amen.
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Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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  #4  
September 19th, 2006, 02:57 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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Norina - your post has made me cry. I hate the "why's" & yet we seem to have so many of them. I have been thinking of you today of course & will say an extra prayer for your peace. I know nothing can take away the ache to have her with you - but I hope the day does somehow bring some closure. I too dread my DD next month...as I am sure that it will be harder than I want it to be. Perhaps in all the numbnes that followed the loss - you have some deep grieving yet to be done & this is how it's manifesting. I wish I could be there with you today - but I am in spirit. Raven isn't less than a baby hun - she's so special & more than just a baby - she is an angel. I hope you find some way to make that real for yourself & feel that deep enough to get rid of anyone else's lack of appreciation for all that it means. Love you-
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
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  #5  
September 19th, 2006, 03:58 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am totally in my office crying after reading such beautiful words from you...part of me wants to close the blinds so no one sees...part of me is desperate for someone to see...I feel like punishing all around me with my pain...does that make sense?

Kathryn-your prayer...I felt it...thank you...

Kip-thank youf ro reminding me that I am strong...

Beck-is it possible to have a best friend whom you've never physically seen IRL? If so, you are this best friend of mine...

I am so sad today. I wasn't this sad when she died...I mean I was sad...but I think I was more angry...and stuck in "angry" for a long time...then I thought I had accepted her death...I think I'm experiencing the grief process backwards.

On lunch I ventured over to Wal mart and picked up some Christian cd's for inspiration and a little candle for the baby. It's vanilla flavor...which is the favoritest of all flavors in smell and it has a ribbon tied on it that says "sweetest thing, heartfelt wishes, love, life" I thought it was perfect. I have it lit right beside me now as I type....I talked to God before I lit the candle. I know He heard me... He had too...He just had to because He brought me you...

i wish I could see and hug you all IRL right now...I need that.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #6  
September 19th, 2006, 04:37 PM
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Norina, I'm sending you all the love and hugs and prayers you need to help you get through. Your Raven is with you and she will always be. She hears your heartbeat and now she also knows what is in your heart, she sees you smile when you're happy and she cries with you when you're sad. She is a part of you and she feels what you feel. Right now she is teaching and preparing your new baby to come to be with you and she is telling her new siblings how wonderful you are and what a great mother you will be. I know how empty you feel and how much you want her back. It's hard, very hard but the fact that you feel so much is exactly what is going to make you such a great mother and such a wonderful person.
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  #7  
September 19th, 2006, 06:58 PM
Kiwi*Mummie*of*4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Norina I am so sorry
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  #8  
September 19th, 2006, 07:02 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you Rhonda...again wods can not express what your post means to me...

I am a bit better. Today I came home from work and found DH and Baxter taking a nap...i crawled in with them and he says"I thought you would run to the bathroom like you always do" (because after my long drive home I always have to pee) I said "not today but I will have to go in a few I'm sure" we kinda chit chatted,played with the dog...then he got up to go outside and I went to the bathroom...there was a card waiting for me on the sink. It was a card saying I need hugs and he's got them...he then wrote "i can not wait to make babies with you" Now for those of you who have been on the rollarcoaster that has been our relaitonsip with the m/c's, my depression, the break up, the months apart, the unexpected pg of Raven, the wedding, the falling out with the in laws...you will know how much this means. DH is totally "a guy" not always the most sensitive, so this gesture really touched me. He hardly ever does things like this! So I ran outside and hugged him and thanked him...then I came back in, started picking up a bit and found above the fireplace another card with a candle...and get this! The candle was the EXACT same one I bought earlier today from Walmart and lit in my office...the exact same one! The card said he remembers Raven and thought we could light this in honor of her tonight...now I really lost it.
He's told me he is all for getting pg this month if we can. I feel so happy that he and I are on the same page about all our babies...finally...God is good...
Thank you for all your support and love today ladies...it has turned out to be a day of blessing with all of you and my DH. I just know Raven and God were in on this together
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #9  
September 21st, 2006, 07:03 AM
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Norina...I'm so sorry I didn't see this post sooner. Reading your post made my heart ache for you. I'm so sorry hun. I can't express any words about the sorrow that I've felt for you. It just never seems fair, nor does it even make any sense.

I was in tears again reading about the tender moment that your DH did for you. God has blessed you with your DH. Cherish these moments and use them to get through the rough patches and sad days. I've been praying for you this week and thinking about ya.

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  #10  
September 21st, 2006, 09:33 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Nykol, what a sincere and kind post you wrote me...thank you. I will heed your advice and remember these moments well to help us through...
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #13  
September 22nd, 2006, 11:03 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you Cece...your post really means a lot. Hugs back at ya!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #14  
September 24th, 2006, 09:51 AM
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Norina, I am so sorry I wasn't around to support you during the struggles around Raven's DD, and that I haven't been around much at all lately, for that matter. I want you to know that even though I haven't been here, you never leave my thoughts. I hope each day continues to get easier and easier.. I am so proud of how far both you and DH have come. Raven, as well as Hope and the Twins, will always be in my thoughts.. And none of your angels will ever be "less than" a baby in my eyes.
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<div align="center">



<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
</div>
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  #16  
September 25th, 2006, 12:00 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE
Quote:
And none of your angels will ever be "less than" a baby in my eyes.[/b]

That made me tear up!!

That is beautifully said....ITA!!!!!
[/b][/quote]


yes that was beautifully said! Thank you Nicole! You are so very sweet and kind.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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