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So freaking disappointed!!!


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
September 27th, 2006, 02:14 PM
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I'm sure I've shared with you all my frustrations with a friend of mine who I've been trying to distance myself from. For the sake of sentence flow I'll call her K. K is the one who made me so upset with her off-handed remarks this past year. To catch you up to speed, after I was released from the hospital in November from my ectopic surgery K made a comment about how sorry she was and then went on and on about a mutual friend who just has her baby the week before and was showing baby pictures. She also bragged about her niece who was born the month before and went on about how her sister is pg. We have another mutual friend who has suffered 3 m/c and K had the nerve to complain that she never attended any baby showers or made an attempt to see the new baby that was born last week. Then K looked at me and said..."You'd never be like that, right?" I nearly fell off the couch and said I can't speak for others, but it would be tough for me.

K is also the person who wanted to get pg within a certain window so it wouldn't affect her job (she works at a school) so she was only going to TTC from August to December and then wait another year if she didnt' get pg!

When she called me in March to announce she was pg she had to complain about how she felt and went on and on about how she was finally pg after trying for 3 months! HELLO...I've been trying for 6 years and just suffered a loss???

I had enough of her by then and didn't want to see her because of her attitude (there's much more to the story in terms of how she is very opinionated and tells everybody what to do, and how she just hangs around long enough to get the gossip and needs to know everything going on).

She heard through rumours that I was pg again in May (by an unreliable source) and never contacted me to confirm and helped to keep the rumours going. I didn't annouce I was pg so I wasn't sure how it got started, but that's besides the point. In May when we had the u/s that wasn't good I sent an email to those closest to us to ask for prayer and let them know what we had gone through since Oct with the first loss. We didnt' tell many people and we felt it was time to be honest. Well, a week later I sent out another email saying that I had a missed m/c and was going in for surgery the next morning for a D&C. Our friends were so loving and encouraging and shocked that we had kept everything a secret for so long. Do you think K responsed, or even called me? Nope...nothing. A week later she had the nerve to have a friend call me to invite me to her baby shower!!! Both K's friend and K knew that I had just had another m/c and K was more concerned with her baby shower!!! I was furious! Even K's friend had heard that I was pg and knew I had m/c and still went along with K's request.

2 more months went by and K still had never contacted me (via email, phone, etc) and then out of the blue a card showed up in the mail about how sorry she was for my loss and would love to get together like old times! Why...so she can rub it in my face that's she's 7 months pg?

I've managed to ignore her for the most part, but I did have wedding to attend this month and she was at it, but we were at seperate tables. Well...I got word from my best friend (who's also friend's with K) that they had their baby last night. I was okay and thought about sending a card to congratulate them and then my best friend asked if I wanted to hear a funny story about K. I was curious and said okay. Big mistake...

K & her husband were certain that they were having a boy. They weren't told that this, but felt it was a boy and got everything ready for a boy and only had a boy name. Well...after she delivered the baby and the doctor announced they had a girl...she got mad and said in front of everybody that they were going to try again soon for a boy! The doctor and the nurses were so shocked by her tone that they've had her watching videos on shaken baby syndrome and PPD out of fear that she might snap and do something because she had a girl!

I'm so sad and dissappointed in her. Who cares what you have...as long as it's a healthy baby. No medical results indicated a boy so you only have yourself to blame for thinking like that. She has a precious baby in her arms tonight and I have heartache and more medical tests to go through. She acts like the world owes her and she is entitled to anything she wants and yet she has friends who have suffered m/c loss and she still acts like this! I would give anything to my babies in my arms. What gives her the right to say and do the things that she does. To actually be mad that you had a girl and say those things...

I guess this was just the final straw for me. I can't stomach the thought of being around her. She doesn't add anything to my life and actually causes me a lot of stress and pain with her thoughtless comments. I feel sorry for her husband and baby. A huge part of me wishes she could feel my pain for a day...she's never been empathetic towards anybody else.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #2  
September 27th, 2006, 03:07 PM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh Nykoal, it breaks my heart how your supossed friend is causing you so much pain. It's people like that that make me think bad things that eventually make me feel guilty. I have a friend who sounds a lot like K. The day after my 3rd m/c she was flaunting her pregnancy and complaining how miserable she was...boo freaking hoo. And all I can think is that I wish for once something like has happened to us would happen to someone like her, instead of good people like us. Ok, that's my mean thought for the day. I actually wouldn't wish our pain on anyone, but it always seems to happen to those of us who want a happy, healthy baby more than anything.
I'm so sorry she's hurting you, but you've made the right choice. Cut her out of your life, you need people who will support you not cause you even more pain than life has dealt you. Hugs to you hon...
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  #3  
September 27th, 2006, 03:13 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh Nicole - I want to hit her...maybe I need a video to watch after reading that post. I don't kwno what to say about people like this - I think we all know someone like that to some level. The best thing you can do is keep your distance. You don't have to subject yourself to people that are so unfeeling & I am proud of you for developing some boundaries. I wish she was a better friend to you - but if she can't be, at least you are being a good friend to yourself by not allowing her so much access to your life. ((hugs)))
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  #4  
September 27th, 2006, 03:50 PM
Mari13007's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry ((Hugs)) that you unfortunately have someone like that in your life. It seems for some people things in life just come so easy and they fail to see the struggles in other peoples lives, as they can't relate to it. You may just want to be frank and open with her and tell her how you feel, if she truly is your friend she will listen and understand, if not, then life moves on but at least you were honest with her. I always believe in setting the example and doing the right thing, even if the other person "doesn't deserve it". I would send her a congratulatory card and just leave it at that. If you feel that you may want to be open with her I'm sure the opportunity will present itself at the right time. If she doesn't understand or doesn't want to then its probably best to part ways, especially if its causing you unnecessary stress, you don't need that in your life. ((Hugs))
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  #5  
September 28th, 2006, 06:16 AM
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Thanks for letting me vent. The irony is all of this is I tried to open with her and explain things. Do you think she listened? NOPE! I did this when she called to say she was pg. I told her how I'm happy for her, but it's hard for me and how I don't attend baby showers (I haven't been to one in 4 years) and how it's hard to be around pg so I gave her a heads up. I even shared how comments hurt (even when they aren't intentially said to hurt) and that I'm hyper-sensitive and it's been a long road and we're still grieving.

My best friend knows what we're going through. While she does have 3 awesome kids she's been with us every step of the way and cried with me, mourned with me, and been scared with me. Each time I've told her I was pg she was a bundle of nerves and couldn't eat or sleep because she wanted things to work out, and I think she's taken the 3 losses as hard as our parents have. I'm so blessed to have her in my life. Right now...she's trying to be the buffer between K & I. I think she said something to K and that's why I got the card.

Even at the wedding, all of us were at it and K didn't say a word to me...which is a good thing because i would have snapped if she made a comment like she normally did. DH can't even stomach being around her.

The sad part is K & I have been friends since we were in 11yrs old. We've gone through Jr. High and High School together, and youth group, and we were in each other's wedding. We have a tight knit close circle of friends and this is definately going to cause a ripple effect. The last thing I want to do is cause strife and discomfort, but I need to do what's best for me. My best friend has sensed it and I don't talk about K to anybody but DH (I would hate to say something and have it travel through the gossip line and get back to her).

I'm trying to be the better person and it's so hard at times. I can't fathom the fact that she only wanted a baby because she had done everything else she wanted to do and thought this was the next step. Like life is really like that and follows a routine plan just for the sake of it! The fact that she was only going to try for 4 months and then wait another year, the fact that she's more concerned with a baby shower than enjoying the pregnancy, the fact that she was mad that she had a girl and she didn't have what she wanted...tells me you didn't want a child, you wanted an accessory to tote around and use the child as a sort of status symbol.

It just breaks my heart. I don't know what happened to her. She used to be so kind and sweet and has morphed into this ungrateful creature. There's nothing more I can do and I feel good with the distance. It's just hard with a small circle. I just have to keep telling myself that hurt people hurt people. I can't be mad at her and I feel sorry for her, really. It's a shame.

If anything, it's help me to realize how far along I've come these past few months. I've seen how much I've grown and matured in my outlook.I can now see through the pain and see the hurt and sadness in others. I just keep telling myself that I will get there and have my child in my arms instead of in my heart. I know all of these experiences are only going to help make me an even better mom.

Okay...gotta go cry now.
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  #6  
September 28th, 2006, 08:01 AM
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It's such a tough situation and I hate that you're struggling with it so. I think it's the major events in life that show us the true colors of people.

Here's my similar story, maybe it will help. I grew up with someone I considered a best friend "J": we skated together, went to college/sorority together, etc. J never treated me as well as I did her and I knew that at the time. J was/is incredibly selfish and vain but I overlooked it. She said repeatedly that she never wanted kids because "pregnancy destroys your body" and she "wouldn't want to be stuck with kids for 20 years or ever called Grandma". Nice, huh?

Anyway, I finally had my fill at her wedding, when I learned that instead of her true friends, J picked "pretty people" to be her attendants. Her true friends (a more diverse looking group) were designated as "honorary bridesmaids", including her sorority big sis with whom she'd been fighting for two years and who didn't even show up at the wedding. Oh but wait, she didn't put me in either group. Yet I was the only one J and her mom could rely on all night. I got to pin the corsages on the honorary bridesmaids (yeah, that hurt). I got to help hold her dress at the reception when she had to P. She borrowed my lipstick because she'd forgotten to bring her own. And on and on. When I left after the reception, I didn't look back. I finally realized I was done with J.

I hated to lose what I'd considered a good friend, but that night showed me that it was not a reciprocal relationship and she was only sucking the joy out of me. It was hard at first, but I realized quickly how much better I felt not worrying about what J would think or what J would say.

I learned a couple of years ago that she had a baby. A little girl. I really don't want to be mean or whatever, but I can only hope that her little girl treats her the same way J treated/treats her mother and her friends. Not that I want another person with an attitude like J's in the world, but because I see that as justice for J. Only J will probably be so wrapped up in herself that she'd miss the irony.
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  #7  
September 28th, 2006, 11:11 AM
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Are you sure your J isn't my K??? They sound soooo much alike. I had enough when it came to K's wedding because she only invited people who had $$$, and put the William Ashley gift registry card in with her wedding invitiations! Then registered for the most expensivie items at the other place she was registered at.

It's a sad shame that it's come to this. I should have know in high school it would be like this because she started hanging out with people who came from money (ha...didn't I have her fooled!) It's just so hard because our circle of friends is so close and I don't want to be the cause for tension when it comes to get togethers. I just wish other people would take a stand and say something. I honestly think she doesn't realize what she says and does, and nobody else has had the courage to say anything (I tend to be the squeaky wheel and voice things because I believe in being honest and open). Of course...when nobody else says anything then it looks like the issues are just with me.

Once again...thanks for being a sounding board!
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  #8  
September 28th, 2006, 11:54 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Maybe you'll be the first one to do something and open the gates for the rest of the group to reach freedom. I know it's hard, but I also know you'll do what's right for you, so I'm not worried about you.
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  #9  
September 28th, 2006, 02:45 PM
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I'm so disgusted anyone could be so insensitive. Its so hard when you have angels to be faced with other peoples babies so soon afterwards....
I'm so sorry anyone would treat you like that.

I remember when (well call her B) B told me she was pregnant... not just pregnant but pregnant by Charlie's father... she just did it to rub my face in it...
she had an abortion and hes stll there... yet i had no choice and he left me
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  #10  
September 28th, 2006, 06:32 PM
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I have a friend who sounds very similar. She is pg with her EIGHTH child and yet had the nerve to gloat to me about how she has been able to carry all these children (except a m/c before she had her first living child) and how I am less of a woman because I keep having all these m/c's.



I know exactly how you feel!
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  #11  
September 30th, 2006, 07:30 PM
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Nykoal- I remember your "friend" K well...she digusted me last time you spoke of her too...I am so glad you have come to a place where you are feeling more moved to distance yourself. It really is so sad that she gets a baby and yet we don't have ours here...not yet anyway. As for the tight knit group, I can empathize there as well. You know my Dh's best friend's wife is a "K"...name starts with a K too and although she isn't quite as bad as your K...she's still pretty bad. I have made some peace with her but I also keep a careful distance...when things come up I say what I woudl say to her face and if it got back to her...so be it...i meant it. One small example was a time she dumped me for a "better offer" when all us girls had plans. She had gotten concert tickets and so when she called to cancel for her and our other friend (because she was taking that other friend to the concert and you know...I was just suppose to stay hoem I guess)...our other mutual friend called me and said , no she wasn't going with K and wanted to hang with me instead...I told her that I wouldn't have made the choice K did but if she's ok with ehr choice it didn't bother me any...this mutual friend told her I said that..and i was glad...she knew I was cool with her repeating it. she said K got quite and then said "should I feel guilty" and our friend said "Hey it';s your concious, i'm not gonna tell you how to feel...I just know I made the chocie I felt good about". i love that friend...we'll call her "S"...
"S" told me recently when K went for her u/s to find out the sex the baby had his/her legs closed. She said K threw a fit, kept referring to her baby as "the little brat had his legs closed" and proceeded to make her DH drive all around LA to find a 4-D u/s center that was open and would take her...after all that she got one and found out it was a boy...and was disappointed because she wanted a girl!!!!!!!!! I about threw up when I heard this story!!
Anyway, my point in telling you all this is to say I am proud of you and to let you know what you're feeling and doing is the right thing. if your nutual friends feel Uncomofrtable at first...int ime they will adjust and you know what? i have found that true friends know your character...and they know hers...which is why they will "get it" after awhile...it's why my friend "S" chose to stay at home with me that night and eat Thai food then to go to the concert with K...
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  #13  
October 1st, 2006, 04:26 PM
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Thanks Norina for reminding me that it's going to be okay. I'm like you and believe in being honest and saying the truth and not being afraid to admit what I've said. I've made it a point to be open and honest and not hide anything. I know that actions speak louder than words and my true character will show as will "K's" character. I can only be accountable for my actions and not for others.

I'm so encouraged to know that things can settle within a small circle. I just need to give it time.

Thanks again ladies!
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  #14  
October 2nd, 2006, 10:46 AM
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Some women seriously annoy me. SERIOUSLY. Its just so unfair
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Now I believe in grace and choice,
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,
But I’ll be born without a mask
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