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Adoption??


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
October 7th, 2006, 06:50 PM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The reason I'm asking is because on another board I'm part of (not a recurrent loss board, just general) a couple had a website asking for donations for their IVF. The OP thought it was sweet, but a lot of people totally flamed it. I'm not sure how I feel about that particular route, but one poster, who is battling infertility, was totally for it. In her explanation she explained how gut wrenching it was to not be able to have children...which spawned a whole new discussion. She said that for those battling infertility, or faced with the idea of never being able to have children, that telling that couple that they can "just adopt" was like a slap in the face.

So what do you think?? Is adoption an option for you, and if so is it a last result? I'm definitely open to the idea of adoption, but I'd really like a biological child of my own as well. It was easy for those who had several children and had never experienced loss to say that anyone who wanted a child of their own and didn't want to adopt was just selfish. So what do you think?
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  #2  
October 7th, 2006, 09:43 PM
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DH & I have long discussed adoption and while we haven't ruled it out, we feel that having a biological child is our focus right now. We looked at the cost of adoption as well as it's about as costly as IVF once the lawyers are paid, and the application fees are said and done.

It's a tough call though...I have a huge heart for kids and we're been asked by many people if we would adpot, but ironically none of them have ever endured a loss nor have they adopted, so they're a little one sided in their argument and trying to convince us. Some may call us selfish but we feel we're makng the right decision for us at this point in our lives. Who knows what the future holds though and God may change my heart. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to never say never.
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  #3  
October 7th, 2006, 11:08 PM
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I have been told by a couple of doctors that in our case IVF is not worth the trouble. So, for us, it is either a biological child or adoption.

My husband and I have talked about it a lot and figured that what we want the most is to have a family. A biological child remains our first option (if nothing else, because adopting is so difficult in this country) but if that doesn't work out we will be grateful if we have the opportunity to build up a family with adopted kids.

Paula
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  #4  
October 8th, 2006, 01:38 AM
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I would love to adopt, but it isn't hte quick fix others often seem to think it is. It's easy enough to say "just" adopt. But it isn't an issue of "just". Adoption is a long ecpensive process with no more gurantees than a pg. My sis had an adoption fall through & after my losses, it was amazing how frank she was about everything she felt about their lost adoption & how similar it was to everything I felt through the mc's. I can't imagine if I were to be in that position after all this hurt & have a birth mom change her mind. We have looked more into international adoption & may eventually adopt that way - but financially it's not feasible right now. We would have to remortgage our home & most people NEVER think of that when they say something like "have you looked into adoption"? I always answer back - "why, have you?"...because I would like them to see how insensitive hte quesiton can be - especially when posed by someone that has no clue how hard it can be. I have an adopted niece, biology isn't a factor to me in my decision - economics & heartbrake is. I know what it is to mc - I feel at this point I know how to process that, even with as difficult as it is. I don't know how I would handle it if an adoption fell through - as I have never been down tha road.
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  #5  
October 9th, 2006, 04:41 PM
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I would never (though I hate using that word!) adopt.
I have so much time to life and love and hopefully conceive my own children.
And, lucky, there's nothing physically wrong with me. First m/c was caused by some bad lifestyle choices. Second m/c was some freakishly random infection in my amniotic fluid, so I'm told. So, I'm hoping, that I will not have to resort to taking in children instead of having my own... a biological child is definately my first choice.
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  #6  
October 9th, 2006, 06:28 PM
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I'm open to it in principle, but I think at this stage of my life it would be a last resort, after exhausting other options. I think if I had to choose between IVF and adoption I might seriously consider adoption, but we've always conceived easily so that probably wouldn't happen.
Either way, I definitely have a lot more empathy for adopted families than I used to. When I see families with adopted kids, my first thought now is to wonder what struggles they had to get to that point.
Personally, I think the only people I would listen to about adoption are those who have actually gone through it. Everyone else is just suggesting what they think is a quick fix because underneath it all they don't want to deal with your problems.
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  #7  
October 9th, 2006, 10:37 PM
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We considered it and looked into it, but it's really costly and they make things so difficult for the adopting parents. So many great parents are turned down for adoption because of petty reasons, things that don't effect the quality of their parenting or the amount of love they are capable of giving. It breaks my heart that the "system" would rather see a child live in many foster homes than allow a loving couple to take in and adopt the child just because they don't make as much money as they think they should. I don't disagree with it as an idea, just with the policies involved.
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  #8  
October 10th, 2006, 04:40 PM
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I would adopt if I couldn't have my own babies. I see no harm in giving other children a warm loving home but it is so hard to adopt. But i'd do it. The whole way.
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  #9  
October 10th, 2006, 06:03 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have always thought about adoption. I would love to adopt some day. However, I also see the same problems with doing so- the cost and the difficult process that you have to go through. On the other hand, I would not consider doing IVF, so I would not support someone asking for donations for their IVF.
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  #10  
October 11th, 2006, 10:59 AM
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Adopting is definitely the right choice for some families, but not for us. DH would rather not have any children than to adopt. He loves our son and is excited about the one on the way, but he's never been big on "other people's children". If he changed his mind and the time/money was right, we might consider it. But given our current situation, it's not something we would choose.
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  #11  
October 11th, 2006, 11:06 AM
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Personally I LOVE children. I always say (though a bad analogy to some non-animal lovers) If I could love my pets this way who are a whole different species there is not doubt that I could love an adopted child as my own For both my husband and I we had talked adoption before knowing we could get pregnant because he was told that he was infertile. Now after realizing his fertility has returned, the m/c's, the surgeries and all the heartbreak I really feel like I NEED at leaset one biological child. I need for my story to be re-writeen...there has to be a happy ending at the end of this journey. I honestly feel right now that once we have 1 bio child I would love to adopt. i don't know that I will ever be willing to go through a pregnancy another time after 1 successful one knowing all that could happen...but like Nicole mentioned I too don't like to never say never...my mind may change. This is how I feel right now...and it's pretty strong but we'll see what God has in store for me.

Oh and I concur that being told "just adopt" is like a slap in the face. i have/had a friend who said this to me everytime I saw her. She always asked me how I was and how things were going and any time I updated her on my story she would say "what about adoption" "how about adopting"...it got to the point after trying to explain myself 10 different ways that now I just won't talk to ehr about it. because there's something about those kidns of statements that is so trivializing to my pain.
If you haven't been there done that...I vote you stay quiet...jmo
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  #12  
November 1st, 2006, 09:24 AM
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This topic caught my eye, being that I was adopted by my parents when I was a week old. So here is my perspective. Yes, I've always been open to adoption. My parents have always been loving and open with me, in regards to my adoption.
Honestly, I really wanted to have a biological child. However, it looks like that may not be in the cards for me. My dh and I discussed adoption after our first m/c. Being that my adoption was closed, I'm kind of leaning towards international adoption rather than domestic adoption. Our biggest obstacle right is cost. So.. it may very well be a few years before we can do an adoption. I really hate that it is money that is keeping us from doing this. I spoke with my parents about the cost of my adoption.. it is so astronomically different from what it costs today!

In the meantime, my heart is open to pregnancy, but I'm not up for driving myself crazy in trying to get pregnant. Since I have no children, I just have to have faith that one way or another I will have a child, whether it be through adoption or pregnancy.
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  #13  
November 1st, 2006, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
This topic caught my eye, being that I was adopted by my parents when I was a week old. So here is my perspective. Yes, I've always been open to adoption. My parents have always been loving and open with me, in regards to my adoption.
Honestly, I really wanted to have a biological child. However, it looks like that may not be in the cards for me. My dh and I discussed adoption after our first m/c. Being that my adoption was closed, I'm kind of leaning towards international adoption rather than domestic adoption. Our biggest obstacle right is cost. So.. it may very well be a few years before we can do an adoption. I really hate that it is money that is keeping us from doing this. I spoke with my parents about the cost of my adoption.. it is so astronomically different from what it costs today!

In the meantime, my heart is open to pregnancy, but I'm not up for driving myself crazy in trying to get pregnant. Since I have no children, I just have to have faith that one way or another I will have a child, whether it be through adoption or pregnancy.[/b]
I Just wanted to say it's nice to see you around - missed you girl!
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #14  
November 3rd, 2006, 06:10 AM
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I just wanted to give my opinion as I was adopted. Actually my DH and I are going back and forth now about adopting. He would rather have a biological child. In a heartbeat I would adopt knowing how it could affect the rest of that childs life. My biological mom had seven kids and gave each one up for adoption. That to me is not a mother. I personally don't think blood makes that child any more special than an adopted child. Yes, I would like to be pregnant and experience that but all in all in the end you will still have a child to love. My parents have been completely honest with me since the beginning and I have always felt special because they chose me, they wanted ME. There are so many children out there that needs love, guidance, support.

As steph said adoption costs are dramatically different that what they were at one time. And they don't make it easy to adopt and I understand that some people may not have the.means. Hopefully, one day I will have my child either by adoption or biologically or who knows, maybe both!!!
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  #15  
November 3rd, 2006, 05:35 PM
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Dh and I are currently in the process of adopting, although we are putting in on hold to ttc one last time. It we aren't able to have a biological baby, we will continue with the adoption.

I see nothing wrong with adopting and wouldn't think twice about it.
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