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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
October 8th, 2006, 06:34 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Do you feel you have come to some peace? Are you still feeling raw? Are you having bads days still?
Etc, etc, etc?


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I am doing okay. I think with the next due date approaching & babies being born in that DDC - it stings a little. A little more than I thought it would....I guess I thought I was coming to terms so much better (and in some ways I have). I am sad thinking of how big my belly would be - what we would be doing now to get ready, etc, etc. I also was pg the first time with twins - due Nov 2nd - so in my mind I was certain they would have been born in Oct (or sooner) and I think now I am passing the 1 yr mark - we'd be thinking 1st bdays - 1st steps - and I sometimes can't believe that I am still so sad about it - and other times I can't believe that I expected a day when it wouldn't make me sad. I have some sense of peace - but I must say it doesn't mean I don't cry. I sitll cry now about 2x a week, sometimes more, maybe on a good week less or not at all. Some of it may be hormones too - but some of it is just the sadness. Being pg doesn't really make it any easier either - I think in fact it makes it harder for me - as it reminds me of all the things I never had before with the other babies...and the morbid stupid thoughts I sometimes have now...like if I can make it "this" far before I mc - then at least there will be a funeral...what an awful thought. It embarasses me to admit it too - as I know it's bad - and then often that kind of thing will trigger me to cry again. I don't know how to stop those thoughts though. I wish I did. So I have some peace, there are pieces that still feel quite raw & there are some bad days. Overall I am in a better place than I was a year ago - by FAR...but I am still on my journey to healing.
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
October 8th, 2006, 10:53 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Everything you said made perfect sense to me. I felt the same way when I was pregnant after Sophie, thinking morbid thoughts. In fact, and this is something that I've never admitted to anyone, when I lost the 3rd baby early I was almost relieved, just a little part of me. It's like I knew that the pregnancy was doomed, so when it happened earlier, rather than later, I was relieved that I wouldn't have to experience what I experienced with Sophie. Wow, that sounds terrible.

In my own personal grief, I feel like I'm doing ok for the most part. I really don't cry much anymore, though I think about her, and about my other losses constantly. I had a setback earlier this week and cried for hours, but I'm feeling better now.

I think the hardest thing for me is that my DD is approaching, and I really thought, hope and prayed that I'd be pregnant again by that point. Not to replace Sophie of course, but to have something positive to focus on. And I know that's not going to happen, instead I've experienced yet another loss.

So to sum it up, for the most part I'm doing ok, but at night there are times that I wonder if I can make it through this...
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  #4  
October 8th, 2006, 06:37 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 328
I'm extremely "raw"
I mean... I have very few people to talk to, none truly understand (IRL, I mean). It's just rough, I keep thinking of memories on certain dates. Every 27th should be a due date or a month birthday, every 28th or 9th is a loss... it's just getting overwhelming. I can't concentrate on anything else
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  #5  
October 9th, 2006, 09:17 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
For now I'm in a pretty good place. I miss my angels, but it's not tearing me apart anymore. Of course, I haven't hit a DD anniversary yet, so that may stir things up again. First DD is about a week before Christmas, which could make the holidays really tough.
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  #6  
October 9th, 2006, 12:50 PM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 49
I've just been numb for a long time. I have detached myself from all things baby. I guess it helped me cope with #4 (which I never really go upset about.) By that time it was almost routine (doesn't that sound terrible?) But it's true. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I thought "well, we know where this is going to end." And of course it did, exactly the same as the last 3 times. I never even allowed myself to get excited. Now, 3 months later, I find that I'm actually starting to hope again.

So I guess the answer to the question is, I have been in denial. I'm hoping I can open up and actually feel something now, even if it's sadness.
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  #7  
October 9th, 2006, 05:34 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Kristen I am sorry you are struggling so much hun. I hear the pain in your post & I remember well being that raw, like your whole soul is burned. I hope that you will post more here & share your struggle & allow us all to offer you the love & support you need right now. It is a tough road to have to walk & you should not try to ever walk it alone - there is no need. We have ALL been there - even if today we "sound better" - believe me - if you went to pg loss board & did some searching under my name you'd see some very angry raw posting...I have done my fair share of venting & sceraming & crying...and we all need to be able to do that - to do whatever helps us get it out. Much love sweetie & pm me anytime you need anything.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #8  
October 9th, 2006, 05:38 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 328
Thank you Beck, I know you guys are here... I should start posting more, though. I think it'll help.
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  #9  
October 9th, 2006, 07:17 PM
srs srs is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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After each of my losses I have had a real "grief" period right around 4 months later, the second one being last week. That's when I finally felt like I could cry and mourn, and it was more of a healing sadness then the anger and gut wrenching grief that comes right after a loss. Both times I have felt better after that too, like that's part of the acceptance process for me. Part of me wishes it would happen sooner, but I guess I should be glad it happens at all.
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  #10  
October 9th, 2006, 11:42 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
For the first time in my adult life I feel at peace. I'm in a good place. I look into my sons faces and I know that they were what it was all about and they were what it was all for. I sorta feel whole again.
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  #11  
October 10th, 2006, 07:11 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
To be honest...I don't know where I am. I'm in limbo, I guess. This month has been a month of reflection and when I think of what has happened since last October I'm saddened and scared. This month marks the 1st anniversary of finding out I was pg for the first time after bing told we would never conceive. It also marks the the 1yr of my ectopic pg and surgery. I have a 2nd DD approaching in December and its getting harder to think about it. I was doing okay until I got that backpack diaper bag shipped to me last Friday. It's really triggered a wave of emotions that I thought were under control. It just goes to show that nothing is ever really dealt with.

I'm so frustrated with doctors and nurses forgetting to tell me things (i.e the endo biopsy that the nurse for get to schedule) and being at their mercy when all I want to do is TTC and move on. I can't even begin to wrap my head around why we're going through this. We're surrounded by people who can practically sneeze and get pg and carry to full term. Now I can get pg but I can't carry to full term.

When I hear people like "K" from a previous post of mine, it just boils my blood. Everybody IRL has moved on and I'm still in the same place. I have my good days and my bad days, but all I want are my babies. The thrill of getting a BFP is forever lost since it will now be marked with dread and fear.

I'm tired...plain and simple. Tired of feeling pain. Tired of reflection. Tired of trying to move on but taking huge steps backwards. Tired of dealing with insensitive comments. Tired of people trying to make me explain my thoughts and actions.
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  #12  
October 10th, 2006, 05:34 PM
*Firefly*'s Avatar Girlfriend and Blogger
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 24,397
sometimes i thnk m ok then a day later 'll be bawling my eyes out.. it's been a long time now... But my initial reaction to the girls meant that i was in denial of losing them for a long time. I had a bit of a breakdown when it fnally sank in...

so here I am grieving still and I still am for charlie to be honest. It still hurts jsut as much as when it happened and I can't work out how to live with it all

It feels a bit like a burning sensation that won't go away
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Now I believe in grace and choice,
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,
But I’ll be born without a mask
~ Babel, Mumford & Sons



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