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I need to start ranting a little more on here... I have no one to talk to in real life! It's really dragging me down! I'm all over the place...
Yesterday was 3 months since losing the twins... I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes I wake up in complete shock and burst into tears because I feel like I should have my "baby bump" and don't realize what has happened... that is such an unbearable pain.
I watched "Surviving Motherhood" today and a woman had a son named Asher. I had a breakdown. I always watch that along with "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Baby Home"... I don't think it's helping Ugh.
I was talking to BF today and he said he wanted to be "more careful" just so we don't get pregnant again. It breaks my heart... but I should know better than to TTC at this age. So he starts going off about how hard it would be and how much it had hurt him last time. And that makes me so MAD! He wasn't there for anything dealing with Asher. He never saw him, he doesn't understand. I hate him telling me that he wants to be careful because it hurts. Like I don't realize it hurts?! It's rediculous. Painfully. Then I just got "I can't talk about this right now." And he hung up. I'll called him back bawling just to get "I'll call you later!" and he hasn't yet. I'm just... UGH. I don't know what I need. I need something.
As for school... it's just getting to be too much! We had our guidance councellor come in to talk about college and university and start pressuring us into making choices and applying. It's hard for a normal, carefree teen to make these decisions... and I'm just drowning! A year ago I just figured I'd be starting a family, highschool would be the end of my education. Now... I don't know!!! After all that's happened, I just want to be a mommy I'm just trying to convince myself that school would be better for me... but I don't think I could handle it just yet. I feel so "unstable" for lack of a longer explaination. I feel so foolish... I know I'm still "just a kid". I'm just having way too many problems right now.
I'm falling back into self-destructive behaviors, and I just hate treating myself this way... but it's my fault this has happened. I have no one to blame but myself... and I can't fix this =S
All of you know that your angels never leave your mind... I'm lost... I don't know what I'm asking for from you all. I just need someone to snap me back into shape, and stop thinking about starting a family at 17. I should know better.
I've just been... so close
*sigh* This is getting too long and all over the place... I'm done for now
needs to make a siggy!!!
hi, i'm new to this part of the message board and i'm sorry i haven't really had a chance to read or know too much about anyone on here yet. but i know exactly where you are coming from with your losses, i wish i knew what to say about the whole college thing and age thing. you are in tough position, you have so many choices right now, but i know how overwhelming that need can be. have you tried counseling or a local support group. my local hospital offers a support group, maybe you can look into that. i'm not at a point where i can watch those baby shows, i have a hard time coming on here, passing by the ddc's. i have to fight the urge to lurk there, because i know for me that is torture but a part of me just wants to be there.
do you know what has caused your losses? if you don't maybe you could pass some time by trying to find that out, right now that is what i am trying to do. i have also had 2 second trimester losses and i need to know why or that my chances of this happening again is very low. i can't bare to go through it again if all odds are against it.
i truly hope you find the answer you need to get you through this, but if you are causing yourself harm i really think you should try counseling or a support group. good luck.
Kristen, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. You're right about college/future choices being difficult for the average teen, much less one with your experiences. And TTC/family planning is difficult even with a dedicated partner. With all of that on your shoulders right now it's understandable that you're upset and feeling lost. I think you know in your mind that taking a break from ttc, finishing school, and possibly going to college will help you provide a better future for your children later on. But sometimes our hearts get in the way and it can be hard to ignore/put off our heart's desires when they are so strong.
I can't really tell you what you should do, that's something you have to figure out for yourself. Maybe start a list of pros/cons for each path you could take and see if that helps you sort out the best decision to make. That's helped me a lot with major decisions and even some minor ones. It might also give you a way to focus your rambling thoughts and give you some peace.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
tracy4, I do know what caused my losses. The first was due to very poor lifestyle choices at the time. My body really just couldn't handle it :S
The second was from an infection in my amniotic fluid. It was a total freak incident that has extremely slim odds of happening again!
So I've just had bad luck, I shouldn't fear TTC because as long as I take care of myself and look after my habits while pregnant, I should do just fine.
needs to make a siggy!!!