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Failed NCB & Disappointment


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
March 13th, 2009, 11:34 AM
ShaunaB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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How disappointed in general and in yourself would you be/were you if a planned NCB did not happen because either 1) medically it was not possible, or 2) mentally or physically you could not cope and needed an epi?

This could be unsuccessfully having a full blown NCB or perhaps just partial, i.e., you went without pain meds but needed pitocin, so weren't able to have the complete natural birth you desired.

If you are a BTDT mom, please describe your feelings/thoughts immediately after you birth and what helped you heal.

We all know that birth is unpredictable and even with the best intentions, life does not always go as planned. Many women feel shame or embarrassment for not fulfilling their NCB plans, whether it was out of their hands or not. For new moms, relaying our expectations may help us see what is asking too much of ourselves. For BTDT moms, you might help us understand how you dealt with failed expectations.
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  #2  
March 13th, 2009, 11:41 AM
Husher's Avatar B & E complete me.
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I did have feelings of regret soon after Bryson was born for not withholding longer and accepting the pitocin. Although I was able to deliver him without any pain medications, it was not easy and I hated that I never got to experience what it was like to go into labor on my own. I so look forward to that this time. I think what helped me was realizing that you can't control everything and educating myself was the best thing I could do. Had I been more educated I probably wouldn't have gone into the hospital right away and would have waited 24 hours to see if anything else happened. I was upset when I was checked by the last OB only to be told that I was still "intact" and my water had not broken. I still get angry over that but I'm kind of hoping to make up for it this time by avoiding OB's and hospitals all together.
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  #3  
March 13th, 2009, 11:49 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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If I were to not have a NCB it would be for medical reasons only. I am very confident in my midwife practice and hope that if I were to have a non-NCB that it would be for the safety of me or my baby. I have no doubts that I can do it drug free, and being in a birth center environment (hopefully) for the birth will eliminate any chance of having or wanting pain meds. My big fear is having to be transferred to the hospital for a c-section, but if I am transferred, I know it was with very good reason.

Would I be disappointed? yes, but life is big picture thinking and having a healthy baby and mom is most important. But I will do everything in my power to prevent anything from getting in my way of a NCB
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  #4  
March 13th, 2009, 11:52 AM
~ Christine ~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For me, I was disappointed not to go into labor on my own, and to be induced (I won't say had to be induced, because I still had the choice, but my placenta was aging quickly and my water levels were dropping and his belly was measuring small, so it was best for us). Luckily, I was well on my way, as I was 5 cm when I went to the hospital. If the induction had led to me not having a NCB, then I would have been pretty disappointed and I might have regretted the decision. Luckily, it worked out perfectly and my labor was easy.

I am looking forward to going into labor on my own - hopefully I will next time.
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  #5  
March 13th, 2009, 12:34 PM
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I've actually been thinking about this a LOT lately. For me, the only "failure" would be out of medical necessity and I think that would help me cope better with it. Of course I'd be disappointed but I'd know it was for the best.
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  #6  
March 13th, 2009, 01:02 PM
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I would only be disappointed if I mentally failed. Not because I physically did. You can't always control the physical
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  #7  
March 13th, 2009, 07:28 PM
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Ditto the other ladies. At a birthing center I dont have the option for an epi/pain meds so it would have to be a medical reason for me to transfer to a hospital. Im upset that I let them break my water with Emmes birth. I think I get too hard on myself sometimes.
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  #8  
March 14th, 2009, 07:40 AM
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I obviously have'nt had a disapointing birth, but if I did I imagine I'd be devistated. I'll be at home, and it will be a real safety/health issue if I transfer- I'm educated enough to really make that decision, and I'd wait longer then most to make it too, in many circumstances.

I am fairly sure that if I had a cesarean that I'd have some serious birth trauma.
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  #9  
March 14th, 2009, 01:19 PM
amcghee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't regret my first birth....pitocin/epi...but I was disappointed after educating myself, so I changed things for this birth and had exactly the experience I wanted!!!

I think that with choosing the right provider and place of birth and being aware and committed, the chance of "failing" is slim. If induction or c-section is medically necessary to save you or the baby, why would anyone consider that a failure??
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  #10  
March 14th, 2009, 02:43 PM
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I can only see myself not having a NCB for a major medical reason. I had some doubts before I went into labor with Lily about if I would be able to handle it, but I did fine and I believe next time will be fine as well. I would definitely be disappointed if I didn't have another NCB, I tend to be really hard on myself and I'd be very upset.
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  #11  
March 14th, 2009, 02:57 PM
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I was disappointed after Abby was born, because of how things played out. I didn't intend to have a NCB, but I could have if they would have checked me before the epidural. Things still went smoothly, no complications, but I still wish things would have played out different.
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  #12  
March 14th, 2009, 04:45 PM
moon~maiden's Avatar Cheryl~ birth truster
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I am fairly confidant that after my last (first) labor, I could probably handle anything. BUT who knows, if that had dragged on for a lot longer or I stalled, it's tough to say what could happen once I became too exhausted. When we were pregnant and met our Doula for the first time she told us about her last client (who we later met) who labored stalled at 5 cm for over 24 hours. She finally recommended to the client to get the epidural, she was just so exhausted in every way. She agreed and things flew after that. So I do know in the back of my mind that a person can only do and take so much. I wouldn't "give in" easily, but it could happen given the right circumstances. My labor was 12 hours on the dot with 3 hours pushing and I was so spent- I can't imagine going double that or longer. Of course part of the intensity for me was how fast I flew through everything, so who knows.

I was so hard on myself after Cadie was born, and I went totally intervention and drug free. Some people are just really hard on theirselves. My therapist is always telling me that. When my Doula came for her PP visit and I told her how bad I was feeling about the birth, she got tears in her eyes and set me straight. That was really helpful.
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  #13  
March 14th, 2009, 05:55 PM
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Well, I come at this from a different direction. While I do completely agree that NCB is the best way to go to have a great labor/delivery, having NCB wasn't my goal. My goal was a VBA2C, and I knew the most likely way for me to achieve that was through NCB. So, if I failed at NCB, but succeeded at the VBA2C, it would still be a positive to me.
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  #14  
March 14th, 2009, 06:20 PM
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I planned for a NCB and ended up with an emergency c-section. Along the way I ended up having IV pain meds and an epidural, and I have mixed feelings about it. I think what went wrong for me was labor started when my water broke, and that caused my daughter to drop down into poor head positioning, so while labor started out great and I was handling the contractions fine by walking and breathing and doing all the "right" stuff, things got out of control for me after a few hours. I've since read that when babies are in the asynclitic position it makes labor a lot more painful than normal, and that's helped me feel better about it. I got the epidural after I'd been pushing for several hours and they recommended I do so to give us both a break. That, I don't regret.
But despite the epidural, once I started pushing again after a rest, it was still too much stress for dd, so it was off to the OR for me.

I don't feel like I failed, but I'm disappointed in the circumstances that led to a c-section. I know I worked my ***** off trying to get her out, and while it made the recovery much harder for me, I am proud of myself for that. I'm just sad that everything I envisioned for her birth, like being able to feel her coming out, having my family there for the birth, having dh's parents on speaker phone for the birth, it didn't happen, and I feel like I missed out on a lot in that respect. After, I couldn't even change her diaper or do anything but let people hand her to me, and that's been hard too.

I think time and being able to talk about it without being judged are the best ways to cope with the feelings of disappointment. Women shouldn't feel like they are a failure if things don't go to plan, because it's not a contest, and that's worth remembering, too.
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  #15  
March 14th, 2009, 08:27 PM
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With my first, I didn't really have a plan so I wasn't let down just... unhappy with how it went. With my 2nd I went in wanting a NCB but I knew with the induction I may not make it and didn't... although I think I could have had I known how close to being done I was when I started wanting meds! I was let down but it went better than I was truely expecting. This time the only way I'll fail is if there is a medical reason to be shipped to the hospital or if I have a complete melt down which I doubt that will happen.
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  #16  
March 14th, 2009, 10:19 PM
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I am *absolutely fine* with the fact that I didn't have a natural childbirth with Evelyn. Had certain circumstances been different, I might feel differently, but, well, I suppose I should tell her story:

I began having early contractions when I was 27 weeks pregnant. Because of lack of insurance we were having to do an unattended pregnancy. I went to the hospital, contractions were stopped, and we repeated this several times until I was about 35 weeks pregnant, when all contractions ceased. Note that before this point I had already had one hospital attempt to abort her without my consent and at another point had a serious bleed (threatened miscarriage).

When I was 40 weeks pregnant I began to have contractions again. After two days off and on I was pretty concerned, so DH pressed me to go to the hospital. The heart rate was monitored and was found to be fluctuating wildly. My membranes were ruptured and contractions didn't begin. Pitocin was started through the IV that I didn't want in the first place, and fluids were also started due to dehydration.

About six hours after the start of pitocin, Evy came into the world. All 5 lbs 14 oz of her. There was meconium in the waters. She had triple nuchal cord (cord around the neck three times) and worst of all (and there are tears just thinking about it) there were two ENORMOUS KNOTS in her umbilical cord.

Had I not been induced, I probably would have attempted to have her at home without an attendant (well, with DH there). Had I not been induced, chances are her oxygen would have been totally cut off as her cord was already knotted and stretched to its capacity. Without the induction, my daughter would have died.

Yet I remain an informed and staunch supporter of at-home prenatal care (unattended pregnancy) and natural, at-home birthing. We know our bodies as women. I did what I had to do for the survival of my child. I'm glad that I did it and I have no regrets.

With my third baby, on the other hand, it took me a while to get over having been induced!
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  #17  
March 15th, 2009, 06:19 AM
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It would be VERY HARD for me. I know I would think of myself as a failure and that it would eat at me for a long long time. But some things are worse then others (its like I have a scale LOL).
Help starting labor is on the more ok end, a shot or two of IV pain meds would be in the middle, and epidural would be bad and a c/s would put me in a depression most likely.
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  #18  
March 15th, 2009, 04:09 PM
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I think I would be very mad- if I couldn't do it, after all the preparing I've done- finding a midwife and a birth center who 100% support NCB with no interventions, finding a doula, studying Hypnobabies.... and my mind is so ready for it!

Now if medically needed I had to have a c/s I would be sad, but I'd get over it when I saw our healthy baby girl!!
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  #19  
March 16th, 2009, 09:56 AM
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Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and your honesty. I feel completely confident that if it's solely up to my will, then there's no way I'm not having NCB. But I'm learning to give myself room for medical complications that I can't control or ease. I would try any and all natural remedies, but if those all fail and it's deemed absolutely necessary to have medical intervention by a trusted homebirth midwife, then I'll jsut have to go with it. I know I will be disappointed and feel robbed, but I want to be careful not to let it taint the total joy of the experience. I think a lot of us NCB mama's have a tendency to be very hard on ourselves, even when it's not in our control.
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  #20  
March 16th, 2009, 01:37 PM
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the only way I wouldnt have NCB would be for medical emergency and then I wouldnt regret it at all. I know that would be the only way to do it at that point.
I know I can do it mentally and physically (done it 4 times now, and it was great each time, I even had orgasm during one labour LOL), anything just not to have that needle in my back LOL, needles freak me out.
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