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So upset and need advice


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  #1  
April 30th, 2009, 09:19 AM
sillyp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm having a terrible morning

I'll back track a little bit here.... DH has kind of being acting funny the last week or so. I didn't know if it was because he was tired or work stuff. Everytime I ask him if everything is okay (like EVERY day) he reassures me everything is good. For those of you who don't know, Brennen is our first child together but DH has been step-dad to my kids for almost 3 years now. DH wanted a baby more than anything and he is such an amazing father to my children that I knew I wanted to have another child with him. Even before we got pregnant I worried about how he would act about the attention a baby needs/gets and how it would change our relationship. I love my husband more than anything, but he is a little spoiled (my own fault) and he really needs a lot of attention from me and time alone too. It was never a problem before because we always had time after the kids were in bed, or at school, or visiting with their dad and family.

So, DH emails me this morning (I HATE when he does this) and tells me that he is sorry he as been acting weird and he didn't think this would happen, but he's very jealous of the baby.

I just knew this was going to happen. Before he even said it, I sensed this. He had been staring at me very weird when I am nursing and making comments about how it seems like all I do is nurse the baby. I was crying the other night when he said it and as soon as the baby was sleeping anytime the next day I busted my butt trying to do things around the house because I don't want him to think I'm not doing anything (I also found out last week that my job has been eliminated as part of the lay offs at the company I was working for). Then for the past few days, really since the weekend actually when he was around all day since he wasn't at work, he started saying things about maybe we should put the baby on formula so he's not needing to eat all the time because it seems like thats all I have time to do.

I'm so frustrated, I don't know what to do. I've been crying since I read his email. I don't know what to say...I tried to prepare him and warn him how much time and attention the baby would require from day one because he's never been around a baby. Tatum was 2 when we started dating, so he's never seen how demanding an infant is of attention and care. I don't know what to say or do. I'm trying to do my best to make sure everyone - DH, Dylan and Tatum - all get attention too since Brennen was born. i thought I had everything under control, but I guess I was wrong. i don't know what I can do to change things or help my husband understand that things will get easier as Brennen gets older. I don't guess he knew what it would be like and that I didn't think he'd have a hard time since our other children are always around and he's so good with them.

I don't even know what I'm asking or trying to say...I guess I just need some thoughts and advice... how can I help my husband get through this and what I can do to make it better? I'm just so upset and on top of everything I now feel like I have to defend my decision to breastfeed to my own husband. I already feel like crap because I lost my little bit of income that we thought we'd have coming in soon and that I'm slacking on the house, but I'm trying my hardest.

Sorry to ramble, I just had no one else to go to that would understand and I knew you guys would give me some good honest advice.
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Last edited by sillyp; April 30th, 2009 at 09:22 AM.
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  #2  
April 30th, 2009, 09:37 AM
Husher's Avatar B & E complete me.
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Oh honey, I honestly don't know what to say. I think it's terrible that you even have to worry about this at all. You sound like you are an amazing mother and wife and I'm sorry that your DH is having such a hard time adjusting. Maybe there is a new daddy support group he could go to? Do you pump so he can feed Brennan a little? I wish I had some advice but I am here for you anytime. HUGS!!!!
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  #3  
April 30th, 2009, 09:44 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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Maybe a compromise to formula feeding would be to pump and have him share in the feedings? I really do not know what to say. I have never had a baby and have no idea what it entails In Dr Sear's big baby book and his AP book he does discuss ways for dad to be more involved with the infant, I am at work right now, so I cannot look it up for you, but it was interesting. Things like dad wearing the baby in a sling to feel that closeness that mom does.

I am so sorry you are so upset.
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  #4  
April 30th, 2009, 09:44 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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Maybe a compromise to formula feeding would be to pump and have him share in the feedings? I really do not know what to say. I have never had a baby and have no idea what it entails In Dr Sear's big baby book and his AP book he does discuss ways for dad to be more involved with the infant, I am at work right now, so I cannot look it up for you, but it was interesting. Things like dad wearing the baby in a sling to feel that closeness that mom does.

I am so sorry you are so upset.
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  #5  
April 30th, 2009, 09:50 AM
sillyp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Husher View Post
Oh honey, I honestly don't know what to say. I think it's terrible that you even have to worry about this at all. You sound like you are an amazing mother and wife and I'm sorry that your DH is having such a hard time adjusting. Maybe there is a new daddy support group he could go to? Do you pump so he can feed Brennan a little? I wish I had some advice but I am here for you anytime. HUGS!!!!

I have pumped a few times to leave a bottle with him just in case, while I have gone to the grocery store (only 2 times and I was back within 30-40 mins) and last night I went to the gym. Maybe I should try pumping more so he can bond with Brennen more, and maybe the issue is somewhat that I'm primarily caring for the baby. It is defintiely worth a shot, anything is at this point. I'm starting to feel terrible that I can't keep everyone happy. Such a d@mn people pleaser I am.
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  #6  
April 30th, 2009, 10:06 AM
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Im so sorry! I felt the same way after Emme was born. Shea is spoiled too and he started withdrawing. I just tried to do the best I could and I even let his mom watch Emme (even though I cant stand her) so we could go out to dinner. Maybe you need a date night?
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  #7  
April 30th, 2009, 10:39 AM
sillyp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GrowBabyGrow View Post
Im so sorry! I felt the same way after Emme was born. Shea is spoiled too and he started withdrawing. I just tried to do the best I could and I even let his mom watch Emme (even though I cant stand her) so we could go out to dinner. Maybe you need a date night?
I think you hit the nail on the head. DH called me on his lunch break and after more crying and trying to figure out what to do and asking him if he was jealous of the baby getting most of my time and attention or that he wanted more time with the baby. DH said its his time with me that he is missing and after hearing how upset I was and the thoughts I was having since he had said the things he has, he realizes it's not about him right now and he just needs to come to terms with it. I aske dhim if he felt unhappy and he said no that he is happy and love sme and as long as he has me and the kids, he will always be happy. (aww)
I guess he's just having a hard time adjusting and needs to settle int othe baby life more. I think your idea of going out to dinner together alone is great and I'm going to see if maybe next weekend I can get someone to come watch the kids so I can do that for him.
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  #8  
April 30th, 2009, 10:51 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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Good you two talked a lil more. And he is seeing the big picture. I think date night is a perfect idea
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  #9  
April 30th, 2009, 10:51 AM
The Purple Butterfly's Avatar Stacey
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Oh man Patience... I'm sorry hun. *HUGS* I don't know what to say since the other ladies offered great advice. Allan is the opposite..... his ex wife was clinically insane and never so much as fed her DD, Allan did it all..... so he is loving this motherly side of me and I think it's brought us closer. Odd enough. I think if you can try to keep him involved as much as possible that would do wonders. Maybe he can give the baby his baths.
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  #10  
April 30th, 2009, 03:04 PM
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Oh Patience. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I'm glad that you and your husband were able to talk more. I hope that you guys get your date night and that things start to get easier. I'm sure you're doing a great job balancing it all!
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  #11  
April 30th, 2009, 03:58 PM
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It sounds like he just needs to adjust. Maybe his expectatioons were a little high about what it would be like. Mom has to do a lot, but if he doesn't already, tell him to chip in, around the house and with the baby. If he does housework while your nursing, it would greatly decrease what you have to do, giving you more free time to spend with him.

Quote:
Maybe a compromise to formula feeding would be to pump and have him share in the feedings? I really do not know what to say. I have never had a baby and have no idea what it entails In Dr Sear's big baby book and his AP book he does discuss ways for dad to be more involved with the infant, I am at work right now, so I cannot look it up for you, but it was interesting. Things like dad wearing the baby in a sling to feel that closeness that mom does.
Pumping once-in-a-while, yes, but full-time, no! Pumping full time takes even more time than just breastfeeding. Some babies will not take a bottle either, or just not when mom is around.
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  #12  
April 30th, 2009, 05:02 PM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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I meant pumping part time!
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  #13  
April 30th, 2009, 05:30 PM
moon~maiden's Avatar Cheryl~ birth truster
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well, my first instinct is to say "suck it up dude" but at the same time, it is understandable- somewhat. John always used to say stuff like "I wish I could nurse Cadie" and I would feel bad- I did a lot of pumping the second week of her life because I was having a lot of physical pain from the birth (my fibromyalgia) so he fed her a bunch then, but we went back to the breast full time after about 10 days and she didn't get a bottle until she was maybe 6 months old. I had him give it to her and after about halfway he lost interest. He stopped wishing he could nurse her.

Remind him when you can that after a few months you won't be nursing all the time. The babywearing idea is a great one. When he's home, have him wear Brennan in the Moby while you get some stuff done. That will give him time to bond with him and more time for you two when the kids are all asleep.

I had to laugh about the "slacking on the house" comment. I barely get anything done around here!!! It's terrible really. I am pretty lucky that John doesn't complain too much about that.

I'm sorry you lost your job honey.
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  #14  
May 1st, 2009, 09:11 AM
liveandlove0725's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Can't contribute much more than everyone already has, I was thinking pumping and date night as well. I hope it gets better soon.
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  #15  
May 1st, 2009, 09:13 AM
Katy Moore's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is to go read a book, but DH and I got an awesome book for our wedding called "The Five Love Languages". There were a few things that you mentioned that made me think it might be helpful. You said that you were trying to do things around the house to show him that you don't do nothing all day. One of the most common things that women do is to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table, ect. to show their husbands they care, when really, their husbands want some other kind of attention. The book just explains the 5 different kinds of "attention" that husbands and wives crave, and that you need to learn what your hubby wants from you. Just because you think it says "I love you", doesn't mean he sees it that way.
Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: Learn the Languages
There's a link to a quick overveiw of what the 5 love languages are. Finding out what DH's love language is might help you to solve your problem. I hope it helps!
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  #16  
May 1st, 2009, 09:33 AM
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My first thought was "wow... he's acting like a toddler..." He's a grown man and should be able to move over. Obviously Brennan is the one that needs your attention seeing as how he can't feed/change himself, etc.

Personally if it were my husband I'd tell him to stop acting like a 2 yo and get over it. But it's not my husband and you know him best. I would just try and sit him down and tell him that you can't just ignore Brennan's needs because he's feeling lonely or tired or left out. Brennan needs you and that's a fact.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Tell him to stop being a boob!
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  #17  
May 1st, 2009, 09:42 AM
sillyp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katy Moore View Post
I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is to go read a book, but DH and I got an awesome book for our wedding called "The Five Love Languages". There were a few things that you mentioned that made me think it might be helpful. You said that you were trying to do things around the house to show him that you don't do nothing all day. One of the most common things that women do is to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table, ect. to show their husbands they care, when really, their husbands want some other kind of attention. The book just explains the 5 different kinds of "attention" that husbands and wives crave, and that you need to learn what your hubby wants from you. Just because you think it says "I love you", doesn't mean he sees it that way.
Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: Learn the Languages
There's a link to a quick overveiw of what the 5 love languages are. Finding out what DH's love language is might help you to solve your problem. I hope it helps!
I have that book and have read it a few times, just not within the last year though.
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  #18  
May 1st, 2009, 10:06 AM
TheOtherMichelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Communicating is the most important thing, so keep it up.

The only other thing I could think of is maybe you are doing too much? If you're doing everything, he may feel excluded. Take it a little easier and let him pick up the slack, that way he can feel more involved and you guys can do some of the stuff together which will give you more time together and talking, even if you're just talking while doing the dishes, kwim?
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  #19  
May 1st, 2009, 03:48 PM
GranolaMamaOf3's Avatar ~Heather~
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I'm sorry you having to go through this!
I was about to recomend finding his love lauguage...but I see that has already beed touched on...
As far as the BFing goes, (I hope this isn't too personal) Do you think maybe he's jealous of the baby, because that was something that you used to share between just the two of you? If so you might just reassure him that it is completely different, (he's not being replaced), and you still need him! Sometimes men feel like there not needed anymore because we have the baby to love and care for (does that make sense?)...just a thought...
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