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Tough decision


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
June 27th, 2009, 06:42 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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In case you did not see my previous post introducing myself, I have a rare nerological condition and I thought I would have to have a c/s. After meeting with some specilists, I was given the clear to have a vaginal birth. I will labor down until he is right there, and my doctor will use a vacuum to get him out (I am unable to push).

Anyways, I have done sooo much research on labor and childbirth since I got the news, and I printed up my birth plan. I am terrified that the doctors will try to do things I do not want, like induce me, give me an epi, an episiotomy, ect. My case is difficult because some of those things might have to happen to keep me safe with my health condition, and there isn't much research on women with my condition and birth.

I know I want my husband there, and he wants to be the only one in the room. I was fine with that, but then I started reading about doctors doing episiotomies without permission, or nurses constantly pushing epis. My husband is a wonderful source of support, but he is not a fighter by any means. My mother, on the other hand, is like me and fiesty. I know she will give them hell, and get me what I want. She had a wonderful natural birth with me, and a horrific emergency c/s with my younger brother.

I keep reading how I need an advocate there for me, but I am concerned about my husband feeling like he is not good enough to be there alone with me and handle things. I'm not sure how to handle this, and if my fears are justified. I don't want to look back on my birth experience with major regrets.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

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Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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  #2  
June 27th, 2009, 07:04 PM
mommabirdof4
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I sooo understand where you are coming from. I guess that is why I hired a Doula because I needed someone to stand up for me...because during labor you just aren't in a good place to do it for yourself. If I was lucky enough to have a mom like yours I would take advantage of that. I do not want to be bullied into anything during this labor like I felt like I was last time...so having someone to speak for me was very important.

I wish you good luck....I think we actually have the same exact due date...but I could be wrong.
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  #3  
June 27th, 2009, 07:13 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I saw that today too! We do have the same due date.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

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................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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  #4  
June 27th, 2009, 07:20 PM
soImarriedAnerd's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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What are his reasons for being the only one in the room? Just wondering because the answer to that would determine my response to your question.
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  #5  
June 27th, 2009, 07:31 PM
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I would present it to him as him being your support, and with your mom there to fend off the hospital staff if necessary it will leave him free to focus on you and not have to worry about that. I agree with Angela though, finding out his reasons why would be a good start. Is this likely to be your only baby, so he's trying to make it special for you as a new family? Does he just want to it to be special anyway? I guess some of it may depend too on your mom. Will she respect your space initially, or would she try to butt in?
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  #6  
June 27th, 2009, 07:40 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My Mom tends to take over things, and DH is pretty laid-back. He doesn't want her running the show, if that makes sense. We are young but have been married for over 4 years, and have done everything together. He just wanted this as a special time with just us. I asked him what he thought about all of this after my Mom came to me and offered to be present. He would be open to her being there because he thinks I should be the main focus, but I just wasn't sure if having her there would take away from the experience for him.

I can just picture her shoving him out of the way or something, lol. She does it out of love, but has some boundary issues. But...if my Mom could run over him like that, I'm sure a doctor or nurses would too.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

...............................

................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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  #7  
June 27th, 2009, 07:45 PM
PixieQueen's Avatar Hi-Tech Hippie
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But he has to live with her for a MIL. He doesn't have that problem with the Drs. If she can go a little overboard, I can understand his hesitation, but it sounds like he also understands your reasoning. Very tough call, but if you can talk to your mom about the importance of you two being the first to interact with the baby, it sounds like having her there might be a good idea. Maybe as a compromise, if she's agreeable, you could have her out in the waiting room unless she's needed? Then if she isn't needed to step in, she can still be the first extended family to meet the baby!
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  #8  
June 27th, 2009, 07:50 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Lol. I was actually thinking the same thing, her spunk might come in handy in this situation. Thanks for the help. I just wanted to bounce my thoughts off of some of you ladies before sitting down with both of them to talk about my wishes.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

...............................

................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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  #9  
June 27th, 2009, 07:52 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hmmm, if I could get it through to mom that she was there JUST to run interference with the hospital staff, and she was OK with that, I would try to convince DH that HE was my labor support, and I needed all his attention on me, and that mom was there to keep anyone from bugging us.

Didn't they say they didn't want you to have the epidural? I would think telling the nurse, "Dr so-and-so said having the epidural with my condition would be extremely dangerous." (Whether or not that's what she said, or even true.) would be pretty effective to get them to stop pushing one.

Yeah, a cut without permission is one of my biggest hospital fears too. So on my birth plan, while everything else is nice and "Please" this and "We prefer" that, that line says:
"• I do NOT consent to an EPISIOTOMY under ANY circumstances"
I hope that will get their attention!!! And OF COURSE there are circumstances where I would consent to one, but I won't tell them that ahead of time.

And I think (someone will correct me if I'm wrong) that the Dr is the only one that does cuts. So as long as you clear it with your Dr ahead of time, I think you should be good.
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  #10  
June 27th, 2009, 08:06 PM
soImarriedAnerd's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Dr is the only cutter in the room....and FYI--MOST do episotomies WITH the use of vacuum.
Would your hubby be interested in a more professional helper? Like a doula....doulas will not take over the situation, her job is to support you AND hubby.....and they are great at getting those first photos WITH dad AND mom in the photo with baby! LOL
Or a good friend who you know will stand up for you but at the same time will sit out if not needed.
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  #11  
June 27th, 2009, 08:07 PM
.adi.
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I got an episiotomy and I sooooo agree with doing everything to NOT have one. it sucked bad!

To be honest, YOU are the one showing your hoohah off, getting a baby out, etc. If you feel the need to have your mother there, I would tell DH. How you do it, of course, is up to you, lol. I would tell mine to shove it if he said no to me wanting my mom in there but your husband is not my husband

Good luck with everything! I hope you can avoid a section!
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  #12  
June 27th, 2009, 08:13 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Those are some really great ideas. They want to use the vacuum so I don't have to push, but I put in my birth plan I want to tear instead. I am really hoping the delivery goes smoother than they think, and if I can labor down until he is crowning, they will let me push him out. I have a lot of confidence in myself and how my body will react. We will see soon!

I think I would prefer my Mom over a friend or doula since I don't care if she sees my naked, lol. I will talk to DH, and I am sure he will be supportive.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

...............................

................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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  #13  
June 27th, 2009, 08:27 PM
soImarriedAnerd's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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^^^ there are very few things that I tell people that "all" patients do....but caring who sees you naked---yeah I haven't seen anyone care by the time they are 10cm LOL.
The doula would be no different then any other professional, thats a good reason to use them instead of a family member or friend. Then the only person you will see again IRL- that saw your vagina during labor is your hubby! Well your doctor to...but you know what I mean LOL
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  #14  
June 27th, 2009, 09:13 PM
mommabirdof4
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that is a tough one. I imagion I have a much different relationship with my mother then you do....she wasn't in my life as a child...she left me while I was still in the NICU. My father was a single father and raised me and my brother so I am not close to my mother at all.

But my mother was at the birth of my son. And she did take over. She actually held my son before my husband and I was soo mad once I found that out(of course it was after the fact). That is why I do not wish her to be present at this birth.

But since you have a positive relationship with your mother(I hope so at least...I think everyone deserves that)you should just sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell her what your goals of labor are. And then do the same with your DH. Don't hold anything back...lay it all on the line with both of them...100% honesty.
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  #15  
June 28th, 2009, 04:14 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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do you think if you educate DH he would be able to stand up for you? like read Henci Goer's book? if you have not already, start perineal massage and stretching now! good luck
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  #16  
June 28th, 2009, 06:45 AM
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I hope whatever decision you make works perfect for you! I know you can do this girl!!!!

My mother (technically step but long story) was in the room when Nichole was born, but she was perfect. She was in the corner against the wall quietly. She came over to me when DH would leave for a min and try to rub my back or whatever, but she stayed back. When it was time to push, she stood by my head, on the other side of DH, so not even next to me. She brought him a chair, kinda thing. When Nichole came out (she knew I wanted to girly shot photos) so she took a pic of Nichole all the way out, but still attached and just a small spot of my thigh is shown. It was a great photo for DH and I, no one else really sees it, but it was great because DH could focas on the me and the baby and my mom could take the pics.
When they weighed her and cleaned and blah blah blah, she took the pics from behind DH.
I think just telling your mom and hubby what their jobs are and be blunt.. tell your mom "I want you to do this and this....... I will make you leave if you can't do those things, I love you but I really want things to be this way"
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  #17  
June 28th, 2009, 07:45 AM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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With the vaccume an episiotomy is often necessary to actually get a good seal... they need to be able to fit it onto the baby's head. So that is something to discuss with your Dr ahead of time.

But it is a good idea to have a doula in your situation I think.
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  #18  
June 28th, 2009, 08:54 AM
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I agree with some of the PP, I would probably prefer to have a doula in your situation. Especially since DH just wants it to be the two of you. A doula would be another professional in the situation, and not family.

I think you should discuss your concerns with DH before hand, and then address your mother with what you want her to specifically do, or not do. It's a decision you should both make, and I can understand both of your reasoning.
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  #19  
June 28th, 2009, 09:14 AM
~ Christine ~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If you want your mom there, tell her she is there only to ensure the hospital staff follow your wishes and that she is to stay at least 10 feet away from you and DH until you invite her in. Tell her that you need her to run interference with the hospital staff but that DH is primary for your support and if she can't agree to that, she cannot be in the room.

Good luck with what ever you decide! You can do this!!
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  #20  
June 28th, 2009, 12:16 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks everybody.
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///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby

...............................

................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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