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How do you state your reasons without offending anyone?


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
December 19th, 2009, 07:18 PM
Hollybear's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,227
My best friend and LOTS of women that I'm friends with (or keep in touch via Facebook that I was friends with in school) have had C-sections.

I'm constantly seeing status updates by a couple of friends right now talking about being induced weeks early and blah blah blah.

My family lives 2,600 miles away from us, so lately it seems like the question is, "Are you going to have a scheduled c-section" or "Are you guys going to induce so your family will be there?"

I don't want to be so "anti" c-section sounding because I'm NOT, but that's just not what I am aiming for. (Although I do understand things can happen that are beyond my control, like preeclampsia for one, but I want to give myself the best possible odds. So no induction and no epidurals for me, please)

How can I explain why without offending people? Or is this one of those things that really is unavoidable? Not to mention this is our 1st baby, so I don't want people thinking I'm trying to act like I'm some professional on birth when I haven't even done it before...

...but honestly, I feel 500x's more informed than a lot of women I know who have delivered.

Also, I've been teased a little for having a doula and a midwife. I am originally from Texas, and the city i'm from has a 48% c-section rates. There aren't midwives and the closest doulas were like over an hour away. It's not a small city by any means, but I dunno, I guess the whole birth process is different there. I will admit, growing up I had the vision that midwives were these people who delivered in barns and doulas were "a joke". I was in nursing school, did my OB/GYN rotation, and never once saw a doula. Wasn't until I moved to Oregon that I discovered there is this entire world of midwives and doulas....and I LOVE my midwife. Such a different experience so far.

Anyway, this is really long and I'm not a "regular" poster here so to speak so I feel silly
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  #2  
December 19th, 2009, 07:52 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 26,075
Don't feel silly and feel free to stick around!

I would start with the simplest answer possible to questions like that. If they ask if you are having a scheduled birth (c-section or induction) just reply with something like "No, I'd like to let labor happen spontaneously, we didn't plan on our family being here for the actual birth anyway." For me, it's always depended on the person. With some people, I tried to inform them and with other people, I just word myself carefully to avoid a debate. It's a lot easier to debate with people over NCB once you've done it before and with some people, I just find it pointless, because they are stuck in the mindset that all women would die in childbirth if doctors didn't intervene.
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  #3  
December 19th, 2009, 09:00 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,335
to be honest, I really don't care if I offend someone. I am only anti elective c-section, and I'm not quiet about it if it comes up. I dont go around looking for arguments or anything, and I don't say anything to strangers, but if the topic comes up in a conversation I am a part of I don't care if I offend someone. They offend me by being pro-unnecessary c-section/induction, etc.

As far as pain meds go, to each their own. A lot of people are really uninformed on the cons of pain meds, but over informed on the "pros" so if someone has their mind made up, it's rare you can do much to change it unfortunately!


btw, welcome! hope you stick around
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  #4  
December 19th, 2009, 09:03 PM
3xCrazy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,915
You shouldnt need to state your reasons. This is your baby, your body and your labor experience. you shouldnt need to reason with anybody. Just tell them your going to let it all happen naturally.
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  #5  
December 19th, 2009, 11:35 PM
Hollybear's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,227
Yeah, I think I just need to not worry so much!

I am just so thankful that in all the months of TTC (It seemed like a lot, only 9!) DH and I read up on so much stuff, and he was able to help inform me/be supportive. Honestly, if it wasn't for him (and seeing The Business of Being Born) I think I'd be clueless.
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  #6  
December 20th, 2009, 07:18 AM
moon~maiden's Avatar Cheryl~ birth truster
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: south eastern Mass
Posts: 13,088
Hey Holly.

We see this a ton, in fact the ladies who don't get crap seem to be in the small minority. I am very fortunate, no one has EVER given me an ounce of grief, except my stepmom's sister who is deaf and I didn't take offense. It's harder for deaf people sometimes to be aware of different types of ways of doing things.

Anyway, my biggest piece of advice I give here is that you don't need to talk about it. I'm not entirely sure if that's the best option or not, but sometimes the easy way out isn't the worst way! At the very least you don't have to bring it up or offer info up.

I fail to see how you making choices different than your family and friends should offend them. C-section is MAJOR surgery. It can be very tough to recover from, it can really hurt breastfeeding efforts, you don't get to bond immediately after the birth. No matter what the reason is you choose to avoid a c-section, it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. We all have the right to make choices for ourselves in life. Your body, your birth, your baby.

if you choose not to really talk about it, here are some things you can say if people ask you about the birth (especially with the holidays coming up)
-we are exploring our options
-we are not really sure yet
-we are going to play it by ear
-we prefer not to talk about it
-right now it's too early to tell


etc etc, you get the idea

some people prefer to actually defend their reasons, I suggest really knowing your stuff if you are going to try this. Have you read the Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? It's excellent and really goes over every aspect of birth, type of birth, interventions etc. It is for sure bias and does not hide that, but it gives a realistic description of each intervention and it's not sugar coated.

just remember that if other people are offended by your choices, it's because they have insecure feelings about theirs. Unless you point blank say something rude, you just have to let it go and know there is nothing you can do about that!

and honestly, I don't see anything wrong with just saying nicely that it's personal and you don't wish to discuss it if you think the person will give you crap or get offended! Maybe I'm just a lot more direct than most people.
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  #7  
December 20th, 2009, 09:40 AM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Pipestone, Minnesota
Posts: 6,364
I am way to out there not to say anything! But I warn you it will get you unwanted advice. I have decided to have a hba3c because I don't want to get on the ride again because I already know the outcome, it's me laying on a table in a cold room having my baby surgically removed from my body nothing to do with birth at all.
I have been told that I am basically killing my baby if I go through with it and don't go with a hospital birth and an ercs. I have educated myself enough to know that either way I go I face tons of risks, I chose the one with the least risks for me and my baby. The only 100% truth I have found sometimes it's just better to say nothing than to get in to a fight. Everyone will find there own way. Just make sure that you make sure you do it your way and you will have no regrets!
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  #8  
December 21st, 2009, 06:22 AM
GranolaMamaOf3's Avatar ~Heather~
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: GA
Posts: 5,906
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollybear View Post
Not to mention this is our 1st baby, so I don't want people thinking I'm trying to act like I'm some professional on birth when I haven't even done it before...

...but honestly, I feel 500x's more informed than a lot of women I know who have delivered.


Anyway, this is really long and I'm not a "regular" poster here so to speak so I feel silly
You don't have to be a professional...just educated! and once educated, you have to make your own personal choices...Plain and simple!

It's not that you feel you are better then them, you are just choosing to take a different rout!...One that you feel is best for you, and your baby! and there is nothing wrong with that!

So basically...if anyone starts treating you, as if you don't know what your talking about, or thinks you are being "holier-then-thou"...You can politley, but firmly tell them that you have done you research, and fell that this is what's best for the two of you! They are free to disagree with you, but ask them to kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as you will yours!...Then try to change the subject

but that's just my(for whatever that's worth!)

BTW- Welcome to the boards! Feel free to post anytime!
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Last edited by GranolaMamaOf3; December 21st, 2009 at 06:28 AM.
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  #9  
December 21st, 2009, 09:10 AM
frugality=reality
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I tell people like this: an unmedicated birth is best for my babies and my body. That way it isn't like I'm saying it's best for everyone-it's what's best for me and my babies. Period.

Of course, what brought me to that conclusion was reading everything I could get my hands on when I was pregnant with my first. If you just take someone else's word for it (whether it be a doctor, a nurse, a midwife, family, etc.) then you don't really know anything except what you heard from someone who knows someone... KWIM? I researched each angle. Every possible side effect for myself and the baby from various interactions and procedures (I was especially terrified of an episiotomy after seeing my friend get a senseless one-the doc SHOVED THE BABY'S HEAD IN TO DO IT and was only a 5# 4 oz. baby!) I knew I didn't want to go to a doctor around here because most of them give an episiotomy no matter what for first time moms. I just read, read, read...

Anyway-I keep it simple and to the point: this is what's best for me and my baby... everyone else can do as they please with their babies/bodies, but this is mine, and my choice. This is what I choose for me and mine.
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  #10  
December 21st, 2009, 09:31 PM
Hollybear's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3,227
Thanks everyone!
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