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Why can't people just be understanding?!


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
September 22nd, 2010, 01:22 PM
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I mentioned to my mom that I was starting to call around to doulas, and that I was somewhat frustrated that no one has been returning my calls. I know they are busy, but when I want to get something under way I want to do it now!

So her response is, "You know, I'm pretty offended that you don't think your husband and I are good enough to help you." Now - I never ONCE mentioned to her that i was doubting DH's commitment since we seemed to have eliminated the issue of MIL being around for it. The biggest reason I'm going for the doula is because of my back injury and I think that any extra support that I can get will be helpful! Now she's all upset and not talking to me since "she's not good enough." *insert scream here*
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  #2  
September 22nd, 2010, 01:38 PM
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IM sorry girl! Im sure she will come around, once she does you can talk to her and let her know thats not the reason and talk abotu things *hugs*
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  #3  
September 22nd, 2010, 01:46 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh goodness. My husband did that to me. Since it was my husband and he was willing to be dedicated I went without a doula, but if my MOM was the one saying it I think I'd be pretty upset! It's your birth, for crying out loud, people need to just let you do what you want/need!
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  #4  
September 22nd, 2010, 02:19 PM
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I'm sorry! I have no real good advice, just wanted to give ya hugs!
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  #5  
September 22nd, 2010, 04:56 PM
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*hugs* Maybe when she calms down a bit, you can explain that you will need them for emotional support and the doula for physical support. And that the doula is also for them (to help with any anxiety they have).
My DH is also not on board with a doula. He understands why I might want one, intellectually, but I think emotionally it is harder for him. I am not really set on having a doula so I haven't forced anything. But when I mention it to him he asks me why I would want another stranger in the room, especially when we have to pay for it. The conversation did get him to decide that he wanted to hear more about what I have been reading in my pregnancy books so that he can support me more.
Give your mom some time, it may have just been a shock to her at first, but she will probably come around.
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  #6  
September 22nd, 2010, 05:39 PM
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I'm sorry. You can tell her that the doula is for the both of you. My DH wasn't sure he could handle labor and birth, and was all for having someone else there to help keep us both sane.
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  #7  
September 22nd, 2010, 07:12 PM
moon~maiden's Avatar Cheryl~ birth truster
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way to make it about her! My mom tends to be like that too.
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  #8  
September 23rd, 2010, 06:43 AM
New_England_Girl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Neither my mom nor DH's has ever even been in the delivery room with me, so you could tell her to at least be happy she's going to be there

I'm sure she'll come around eventually.
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  #9  
September 23rd, 2010, 07:14 AM
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My husband was great, supportive present for our birth of Hudson, and in determining what we would do differently this time we both wanted a doula. This way Hubby has someone to take the pressure off him or allow him to go the bathroom, eat, etc... I think he is entitled to his own experience as much as I am and the doula will help him have it as well.
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  #10  
September 23rd, 2010, 07:22 AM
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Well so far it doesn't seem to matter - I've been calling and emailing around all week and have yet to have one person call me back. I'm not the most patient person and I'm starting to lose what little bit of patience I do have!
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  #11  
September 23rd, 2010, 10:04 AM
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Jennifer - where are you located (PM me if you want) - I can email them too and be not as nice for you to get a response.

Remember, being the month of Labor Day, many are involved in community events that might be eating up their September - just a thought

PS So sorry for her stinky response to your frustration!

If she keeps acting like that, make light of the situation by saying "No, you two won't be enough! I am a very demanding and high needs person!" (snark - we both know the real reasons for getting a doula, but this is a good response to those who don't get it) - that way, it takes the focus off of their limitations and onto your needs.
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  #12  
September 23rd, 2010, 10:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderfullymade View Post
Jennifer - where are you located (PM me if you want) - I can email them too and be not as nice for you to get a response.

Remember, being the month of Labor Day, many are involved in community events that might be eating up their September - just a thought

PS So sorry for her stinky response to your frustration!

If she keeps acting like that, make light of the situation by saying "No, you two won't be enough! I am a very demanding and high needs person!" (snark - we both know the real reasons for getting a doula, but this is a good response to those who don't get it) - that way, it takes the focus off of their limitations and onto your needs.
I'm in the Tampa, FL area. I did get an email back from one lady that she has forwarded my info to someone. So we'll see. I'll give it a few more days - once I hit a week with no response then it might be time to call in some back up! I didn't think about community events...that's a good point. I'll try to be a little more patient either way.

And I absolutely LOVE your response! I'm definitely going to tell her that next time she says something!
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  #13  
September 23rd, 2010, 11:19 AM
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Oh I'm sorry your mom is not being more understanding hopefully she will calm down and see it your way. I have no advice just wanted to give you my support!
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  #14  
September 23rd, 2010, 12:05 PM
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Hopefully the doula that you do find has a great way to explain to your mom that she isn't replacing her but adding to your support system. When I was learning about doulas and looking for mine some of the doulas profiles on line had some great info for husbands/family members who were not happy with the idea of a doula. Also does your mother know what a doula does? A lot of people really don't.

I hope you get a great doula soon. I had one and it didn't work out and thought there was no way I'd be able to find another,but within a few days I found the best one in my area!
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  #15  
September 23rd, 2010, 06:00 PM
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I emailed quite a few doulas a while ago and didn't hear back from most. I am curious to know what kind of back injury you have? I have my spine fused at L5-S1 and this is my first so I am not sure how it will impact labor.
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  #16  
September 23rd, 2010, 07:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TTC#1inNC View Post
I emailed quite a few doulas a while ago and didn't hear back from most. I am curious to know what kind of back injury you have? I have my spine fused at L5-S1 and this is my first so I am not sure how it will impact labor.
I have three herniated discs. L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1. They've pushed surgery on me for years, and I just can't get myself to the point of doing it. I'll have an episode of excruciating pain that makes me consider it, but then when it eases I back down. I've been dealing with it for 10 years, so I guess I was just adjusting. This week has been AWFUL. I've been having horrible back and hip pain, which is really making me worried about the next 22 weeks, let alone labor.

My midwife said that it's definitely going to be more painful, but things like the jacuzzi, TENs unit, massage, heat, and pressure will help make the labor more bearable from that perspective.
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  #17  
September 23rd, 2010, 11:16 PM
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first - big hugs sorry your mom's being a PITA
second - I get really nasty back pain(like can't get up without help can't put on shoes) and it was FINE during labour!!! It hurt a few days before - because she dropped - and pregnancy was tiring - but labour was fine. Also - since you are used to pain it will make labour easier. My mom told be nasty back pain was worse than labour for her - and I agree. You get breaks between contractions, you know it will end soon and it's for a good reason. It's pretty equal or a bit more in terms of intensity - but you aren't suffering.
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  #18  
September 24th, 2010, 10:19 AM
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Alright, the ones I found include:

Hallie Dedtrick
Robyn
and
Erin Phillips

I have sent emails out to each to say to be looking for your email because you have been contacting doulas with no response. that way it is still in your hands and control if you want to contact them or not and, if you already did contact them, they will hopefully get on the ball and get back to you.
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  #19  
September 24th, 2010, 10:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderfullymade View Post
Alright, the ones I found include:

Hallie Dedtrick
Robyn
and
Erin Phillips

I have sent emails out to each to say to be looking for your email because you have been contacting doulas with no response. that way it is still in your hands and control if you want to contact them or not and, if you already did contact them, they will hopefully get on the ball and get back to you.
Thanks! I did contact two of those already so it's a good start! I heard from one place which is apparently like a "network" of doulas. She said she'd pass my information around and then let me know who is available, and I can contact each of them individually. I'm not sure who all is in their network, for all I know it could be the people I've already contacted. I really didn't expect this to be so complicated!
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  #20  
September 24th, 2010, 11:09 AM
missmich
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If you have a lot of back pain I'd recommend those things from Playtex for heat. They sorta stick to your back and are constant heat. I wish I'd had one when I was in labor since Magic Bag didn't stay in place at all when I walked or layed on my side.
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