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Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
November 9th, 2010, 01:23 PM
Isaeph's Avatar Jennifer the Momma
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Do you prefer the company of women? Other NCB minded women anyway?

I'm reading The Baby Catcher, and it's really a neat book, but I struggle when I read about her rocking and swaying and making noises with the women in labor, and then during her own third labor...I'm just not like that. I'm wondering if I'm in the minority here? Because if so I'm going to say it's because of the abuse I suffered from my mother (emotional, verbal, mental, sexual as a teen)...but maybe it's just a variation of normal to prefer the company of other women over your husband? I like to labor alone as long as possible, and then I only want dh around. With dd, it was nice to have him console me and read the Bible to me, and with ds2 he squeezed my hips when I needed him to, but only in the last 2-3 hours before the birth both times (dd was a 4 1/2h labor, ds2 was nearly a full 4 days). I can't imagine leaning on another woman for support.

And this is what makes me think maybe I wouldn't make such a hot midwife. I was planning on starting midwife school in the spring, but reading stuff like this, I know I can't offer that kind of support. So maybe I should just stick to child birth educator instead.

Another thing I am finding that I dislike about the book is that she makes all the births seem scary. The one I just read she told the guy to call 911 if his wife started pushing before she got there. Why? If I were to become a mw, I'd plan on making sure my clients were capable of delivering a low-risk, healthy pregnancy without me, just in case. The whole thing just seems so panic stricken, and it doesn't need to be.
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  #2  
November 9th, 2010, 01:57 PM
Kelllilee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I've changed with each birth. With my first I just wanted DH and I and my mom. Then with my second I allowed my sisters to come in right after the birth and with the third they were there during the birth as well. But with the last deep down I craved a circle of supportive moms. I regret not getting a doula or a friend to be there and wish I had not had my sisters (who I have found out since are not supportive at all) there.

Next time I'm planning on inviting at least a couple supportive women to be at the birth and considering not having any of my family there.
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  #3  
November 9th, 2010, 03:15 PM
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I was happy to have DH, my midwife and student midwife (both i knew well) there. I have been thinking of becoming a midwife too. So I know what your saying. And I think about this a lot. ( have you read spiritual midwifery by Ina May Gaskin? it WONDERFUL )
I think the trick (gift!) is knowing what a woman needs - and staying out of the way as much as possible. My friend attends births (not as a midwife) and here is something she has written about 'holding space' : holdthepromise
I bet some women need someone to make noise and sway with them. I would have hated that LOL! DH 'danced' with me and breathed with me and that was perfect. My midwives had an amazing ability to be as close to not there as possible - and then when I asked for help they were standing there in the doorway (I couldn't pee LOL) The last two hours I asked them to stay in the room with me - because it was reassuring. They just sat and 'held space'. I got a little high pitched once and they said to make lower sounds (transition fun ) And around transition and pushing they told me I was doing good. (I kept telling them and DH how much I loved them - yay oxytocin!)
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  #4  
November 9th, 2010, 05:19 PM
FusionGirl's Avatar Formerly TTC#1inNC
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This will be my first child so I haven't experienced labor yet but I couldn't imagine women I don't really know supporting me like that (or even women I do know for that matter), I am not into strangers touching and holding me and if they were to hum I think it would just make me feel weird. DH is the only person I want with me. I don't have a history with my mom like you do but she did a lot of things throughout my teenage years that made me lose trust in her and I have never gained that back. After my parents divorced she married an alcoholic and then became one herself. So I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I do not trust women easily. I even prefer male Drs.

Just because you don't want a woman supporting you in that way doesn't mean that you will be bad in providing that support to another woman. I don't know how becoming a midwife works but is it possible to "intern" with one before you start school to see what it is like for you?
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  #5  
November 9th, 2010, 05:38 PM
bostoncreampie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I did not. The idea of having a bunch of women there, even a doula, does not appeal to me at all. I was cool with my one midwife and student midwife and husband.
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  #6  
November 9th, 2010, 05:41 PM
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I did like having my nurse in the room with me...she has had 3 natural births and she was very supportive..but she didn't ever touch me til pushing I don't think. My cnm did touch me a few tumes..but mostly I only wanted sam to touch me...I didn't really want him talking to me though, and much preferred my nurse or cnm talking...maybe cuz they'd done it? If my mom was alive I know id want her there.

We do have a doula this time, per sams request but idk how ill feel about her touching me? Well see
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  #7  
November 9th, 2010, 07:38 PM
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I only want DH. Last time I kept my back to the MW and nurse.
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  #8  
November 10th, 2010, 06:26 AM
Crafty Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I prefer DH for labor. I'm not a very touchy feely person, so to be all touchy feely with a woman would just make me more uncomfortable. I'd rather have DH there to lean on and sway with, because I'm used to being so close to him.
If I were going to a midwife in a birth center, I definitely wouldn't feel as though it was her responsibility to do anything like that with me. Maybe if I was a single mother and had no one else for support, but in any other situation, I wouldn't expect it. I don't know how a home birth midwife would handle it though.
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  #9  
November 10th, 2010, 07:54 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I feel the same way. The idea of a group of women around me while I'm in labor just bugs. I suppose if it were my mom and my best friend it might be ok. But even then the group of people I want at my births keeps getting smaller and smaller to the point where if there is a next time I want it just DH and I. (I would still kind of want my best friend there, but only to possibly convince her to have a NCB! :lol )

I am planning on working as a doula for the next several years while my kids are little before I apply to midwifery school. I have had the same doubts about a doula. During my training the instructors kept saying, "There is a doula for every woman." Don't feel like you have to conform to a certain "way" of acting or practicing as a midwife. I know my midwife was there from the medical stand point not an emotional one. But maybe that's because I didn't need her in that way and if I did should would be? I dunno. I am still trying to encourage myself and tell myself I don't have to be like other people. I can be myself and be a good doula. But like you, I didn't care for one for my own labor!
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  #10  
November 10th, 2010, 10:00 AM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I've just wanted my DH with me, and then having my MW and mom close to me but not right there. I dont think I'd like a bunch of women, even if they were all NCB friendly to be with me. I like it to be more family-minded.
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  #11  
November 10th, 2010, 11:00 AM
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I guess I have a different perspective on this. I love DH dearly, but he's not good with physical stuff and he's really not good when anything "medical" is going on. I can see him patting my hand asking me what to do during labor. I did hire a doula, because I feel like she's the one who will be able to provide me with the best/most needed support, whether that's physical or emotional. DH even admitted the other day, "Thank gosh we have a doula, I couldn't handle that." I also plan on having my mom there for support, but I guess I feel differently because as much as I love DH, I don't feel like he'll be able to provide the support I need.

I guess I didn't realize how much that makes me sad until I typed it all out. I wish I had the confidence that he'd be able to support me through this, but he's as much as admitted that he can't, and based on how things have gone so far, I just don't think I can depend on it.
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  #12  
November 10th, 2010, 12:59 PM
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^^ you know - I was really worried about how DH would do - and he was fantastic. I knew I had my midwives and I also had my BFF who DH knew he could call if he needed more support. DH might just surprise you!
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  #13  
November 10th, 2010, 01:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sodagirl View Post
^^ you know - I was really worried about how DH would do - and he was fantastic. I knew I had my midwives and I also had my BFF who DH knew he could call if he needed more support. DH might just surprise you!
I hope so! I can't get him to take anything seriously, everything is a joke to him, and I think he's under this false impression that it's going to be a party during the labor, and that's so not the case. He even wants to take beer to the birth center! I guess I'd rather go into it expecting him not to be much use, and hope he surprises me, rather than expecting him to be really supportive and feeling let down.
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  #14  
November 10th, 2010, 02:18 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Jennifer, he may really surprise you. It's a huge day for daddy's too, and I think their natural comfort/providing instinct kicks in.


Sam did awesome - which didn't surprise me, but he really did awesome, considering he was punched in the face, cussed at, etc. They have instincts just like we do


I guess I should add that in addition to the doula we do have a birth photographer - she is a friend of mine, and working on building her portfolio.....Sam and I were just too busy with everything with Brylie to remember to take pictures so I am super excited that she is going to be there.
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  #15  
November 10th, 2010, 02:42 PM
Isaeph's Avatar Jennifer the Momma
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Thanks for your input everyone! I really appreciate it.

Jennifer, I have to say that I would guess that NO one on earth that my husband would be as awesome of a labor support as he has been. With our first, he was just scared to death and did his best, but we both failed...and the nurses sucked and my mother sucked, etc. With #2, he was absolutely AMAZING. #3 was a little harder because I really just gave up at the end and was pretty inconsolable, but he trucked through. I'm hoping to give him a break this time and not really need much support.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it the last few days and talking with dh and I think maybe I'm going to look back into CBE. It was something that I just about enrolled in before I got pg with #3 and then I got pg and just stopped. UC is just a HUGE passion of mine, and I can't "pimp" (as dh would say) UC if I'm planning on attending a birth as a mw.
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  #16  
November 10th, 2010, 03:23 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yeah, My husband was amazing and all I really needed, although my mom was great, and I could use a doula or friend in the partner role if my husband wasn't available, but really, I'd prefer him. It would weird me out if my midwife was doing the the things you described. Like all the Ina May stuff just weirds me out.
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  #17  
November 10th, 2010, 05:28 PM
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IDK, I guess I am an odd one out because I LOVED my doula. I seriously LOVED her. My last birth was awesome. It was in a hospital but the nurses and MW left the room. It was just me, DH, my doula, and my mom. The lights were dim, my doula squeezed my hips during contractions, my DH whispered my peace ques (hypnobabies) from across the bed, and my mom kept refreshing my cool compress for my head. The energy was so calm and amazing. It really was peaceful. Even though I knew what my body was doing and I trusted my body, I feel like I needed those people around me to feel safe. If that makes any sense. I really feel like my DH would not have known how to relieve my back labor and I would not have been able to relax like I did through transition. My doula also reminded me to make low noises through the intense contractions. I definitely needed to be reminded of that because I almost got 'lost' in the moment.
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  #18  
November 10th, 2010, 06:03 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I really want only my DH around and in heavy labor I really just want him to stay quiet and not touch me. LOL For both of my births. We hung out together in early labor, watched TV, he rubbed my back. When I get to the rough part I just need him to stand back and let me sink into myself and handle it. I even told him to please not touch me.

I do think every woman is different, though. I could see some women welcoming a different kind of support. I just.... don't, I guess.
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