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If you were a surrogate...


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
November 15th, 2010, 07:46 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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This is kind of an off shoot of Chelsea's post about adoption. I have thought about this before and I haven't come up with an answer yet.

But if you were surrogate how would you birth the baby? My last baby was a home birth and I cannot imagine doing it any other way if it were to happen again. But I know not everyone is okay with that. If the bio parents asked you NOT to do a home birth or wanted a bunch of ultra sounds and tests would you oblige?

I picture myself being a surrogate for my sister (for some reason we both have a feeling she will have issues geting pregnant when it's time). Her SIL almost died from complications of a home birth. I don't know the whole story but from what I do know it sounds like she had a whack job as a midwife. She herself turned out to be quite the whack job, but her brother (my BIL) still went through that experience and is really scared about home birth now. They were really uncomfortable with my choice to home birth Kate. I didn't have to hear it all the time though because they were in CA I was in WA!

So how much intervention or non-NCB choices would you be okay with under that cirrumstance? Would you consider an epidural if they were okay with it and already doing a ton of interventions?
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  #2  
November 15th, 2010, 08:00 AM
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I've given this a lot of thought actually. When I was pregnant with my first we had a girl in our birthing class who was giving up her baby for adoption (I know, not exactly the same thing as a surrogate). The woman who was adopting her baby was her birth coach and came to classes with her. I think it was awesome. I would only surrogate for a close friend or family member so I think the communication would be open and it would be a decision made together. Of course I would want a home birth, but I would consider the parents' desires as well. Most of the people I would even consider doing it for would be on board with a home birth. I would have a really hard time risking my health to give birth "their way" if they wanted me to have a c/s or something like that, especially if I still wanted more children myself afterwards.

Definitely something I've considered and there are women I can think of right now that I would do it for.
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  #3  
November 15th, 2010, 08:16 AM
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I would hope to address a lot of these questions prior to accepting the surrogacy but ultimately I feel it would be my body and my decision. I would be willing to consider any requests the bio parents may have but as Kelli said, I can't be further risking my health for something the parents desire.
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  #4  
November 15th, 2010, 08:45 AM
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well, in regards to things that would only pose risk to the fetus...i would do them, because it is not my baby and I feel like I am providing a service and should "leave the customer satisfied" for lack of a better analogy. I would want the parents to have every opportunity to feel like they had control over their baby (as I would want if I was using a surrogate) . I think a couple using a surrogate may want to have the chance at more ultrasounds, because that's there only connection to the child inside really - so I would see their point of view and consent...amniocentesis? Maybe, if there was a legitmate reason for doing it.

But in regards to having interventions in the birth that I didn't necessarily want, no. It's still my body and by not having the epidural, etc I am doing their child a service..which I feel is partially my responsibility as the incubator.

I have strongly considered surrogacy, because I do not want to have 8 children, but I can't imagine only giving birth a few more times...I have thought about this a lot
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  #5  
November 15th, 2010, 08:57 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
I have strongly considered surrogacy, because I do not want to have 8 children, but I can't imagine only giving birth a few more times...I have thought about this a lot
I have actually too. My Dh isn't thrilled with the idea though. He says it would weird him out. Would you be an egg donor as well or just the incubator?
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  #6  
November 15th, 2010, 10:02 AM
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My sister and I have talked about this, as she is infertile after her 2 children and has always wanted more. Her opinion is that I would clearly love my niece/nephew, and would do what I felt was best for her/him, and she wouldn't feel the need to micromanage. She would, however, want to be there for prenatal appointments and the birth, since it would be HER child.

We figure it this way: My birth, her baby. I would give birth however *I* felt was safest and best, and once that baby is out, it's all hers. She wants vitamin K and shots and all that stuff? Sure thing, Sis, it's your kid. But she wouldn't be able to encourage me to get pit or to induce or anything, since my body is still MINE.
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  #7  
November 15th, 2010, 10:35 AM
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I think that if I was in the position to be a surrogate, I would have a lot of questions hashed out early on. I do go through an OB and do the majority of the prenatal testing anyway, so that likely wouldn't be a big deal. As long as they're not trying to talk me into something that compromises mine (or really even baby's) health, or that I'm extremely uncomfortable with then I wouldn't have any issues going their way. They want to be the birth coach.. cool. Don't want a home birth.. cool. Want me to be induced early or have a c-section that isn't necessary? Not cool.
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  #8  
November 15th, 2010, 12:30 PM
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If I were to be a surrogate I would still want to go natural. I can't see that someone would WANT you to have drugs or a c-section but I suppose they are out there. If they did I would have to ask why and I would want them to show me something that shows the benefit of having a c-section or drugs over a NCB. Even still I would try to talk them out if it. This is my first so I am going to a hospital. If I were a home birther I would take their thoughts into consideration if they wanted me to be in a hospital and hope that we could compromise on a birthing center.
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  #9  
November 15th, 2010, 12:54 PM
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I don't think I could ever be a surrogate, but I think if I were I may actually want the epidural so that I don't get the love cocktail of hormones that makes me fall in love with the baby! I wouldn't go as far as wanting a c/s to hinder the hormones, though.
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  #10  
November 15th, 2010, 05:09 PM
monica8's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
well, in regards to things that would only pose risk to the fetus...i would do them, because it is not my baby and I feel like I am providing a service and should "leave the customer satisfied" for lack of a better analogy. I would want the parents to have every opportunity to feel like they had control over their baby (as I would want if I was using a surrogate) . I think a couple using a surrogate may want to have the chance at more ultrasounds, because that's there only connection to the child inside really - so I would see their point of view and consent...amniocentesis? Maybe, if there was a legitmate reason for doing it.

But in regards to having interventions in the birth that I didn't necessarily want, no. It's still my body and by not having the epidural, etc I am doing their child a service..which I feel is partially my responsibility as the incubator.
This is pretty much how I feel. If it was something that'd make them feel closer to the baby though out pregnancy, I'd probably do it. However, the actual birthing I would want to be done the way I'm comfortable.

I've thought about this a lot, too. I'd love to be able to help someone out in this way. Generally, I don't think I'd want to use my eggs, but if it was for a sister or a close relative, I don't think I'd mind.
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  #11  
November 15th, 2010, 05:15 PM
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I have actually offered to surrogate for a couple I know where the woman can't carry a baby. I am with Chelsea. If they want tests, u/s, fine. I would let them choose the place of birth as well, but when it comes to drugs, c/s, etc., I do it how I'm comfortable. It could be hard in a hospital, though. What happens when the Dr recommends a c/s? You have done your research and might know that the situation isn't as dire as the Dr is making it out to be, but what about the parents? After infertility and years + 9 mos of waiting for this baby, it may be at risk? Then what happens?
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  #12  
November 15th, 2010, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieQueen View Post
I have actually offered to surrogate for a couple I know where the woman can't carry a baby. I am with Chelsea. If they want tests, u/s, fine. I would let them choose the place of birth as well, but when it comes to drugs, c/s, etc., I do it how I'm comfortable. It could be hard in a hospital, though. What happens when the Dr recommends a c/s? You have done your research and might know that the situation isn't as dire as the Dr is making it out to be, but what about the parents? After infertility and years + 9 mos of waiting for this baby, it may be at risk? Then what happens?
Those are my thoughts exactly. Of course no one would schedule an elective c-section, but what about when you are in labor and it's suggested? Depending on the situation you might ask for more time or try other alternatives... but if the parents want the c/s who decides?

I'm not sure if I would be an egg donor even for my sister. At first I said Yes, of course! That way it would actually be a little of her DNA too. But then that would mean that my BIL and I have a baby together? Wouldn't that be kind of icky?
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  #13  
November 15th, 2010, 05:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobittyBoo View Post
But then that would mean that my BIL and I have a baby together? Wouldn't that be kind of icky?
Lol! You could be on Sister Wives! J/k. I personally would still be okay with that, for the reason you specified, but I can see how others might be turned off by the idea.
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  #14  
November 15th, 2010, 06:39 PM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If it was something THEY were okay with then I could do it. But if either one of them had the ick factor then I would suggest they research different options. That could make Thanksgiving dinners a little awkward! lol
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  #15  
November 15th, 2010, 07:15 PM
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I actually was a surrogate a couple of years ago for my BIL and SIL. I was a traditional surrogate so it was my egg. I never felt an ick factor. IMO there shouldn't be one since it is not seen as your baby. As far as interventions this is something we discussed before hand to make sure we were both on board.
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  #16  
November 15th, 2010, 07:17 PM
Tiff802's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
well, in regards to things that would only pose risk to the fetus...i would do them, because it is not my baby and I feel like I am providing a service and should "leave the customer satisfied" for lack of a better analogy. I would want the parents to have every opportunity to feel like they had control over their baby (as I would want if I was using a surrogate) . I think a couple using a surrogate may want to have the chance at more ultrasounds, because that's there only connection to the child inside really - so I would see their point of view and consent...amniocentesis? Maybe, if there was a legitmate reason for doing it.

But in regards to having interventions in the birth that I didn't necessarily want, no. It's still my body and by not having the epidural, etc I am doing their child a service..which I feel is partially my responsibility as the incubator.

I have strongly considered surrogacy, because I do not want to have 8 children, but I can't imagine only giving birth a few more times...I have thought about this a lot
I feel the same exact way! Their baby, but I'm the one giving birth and all of this would be talked about before actually doing it. If they are very persistent about not having a home birth I would be willing to compromise (I am having a home birth with this one), only because I gave birth in a hospital with my last with a wonderful midwife and it was a great experience. I would have to see her again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobittyBoo View Post
I have actually too. My Dh isn't thrilled with the idea though. He says it would weird him out. Would you be an egg donor as well or just the incubator?
I thought about it as well and dh is totally NOT on board, so...
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  #17  
November 15th, 2010, 09:13 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobittyBoo View Post
I have actually too. My Dh isn't thrilled with the idea though. He says it would weird him out. Would you be an egg donor as well or just the incubator?
i would not donate my eggs, nor would i allow my husband to be a sperm donor (he wouldnt want to either) because it would be our child walking around then.
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  #18  
November 16th, 2010, 07:12 AM
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I've thought a lot about this since I'd be a surrogate to a close family member or friend. I'm a childbirth educator, so I don't think I'd could do things which I know have a lot of risks and aren't good for baby. Like if the mom wanted to use a doppler a few times a day to hear baby, I would have to tell her no that it's not safe and to use a fetoscope instead. I would also tell her I'd like to have a homebirht and them be there of course, as that is what I feel is the safest route for myself and the baby.
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  #19  
November 16th, 2010, 11:29 AM
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I would make it clear during the pre-pregnancy stages that I do not support certain interventions during pregnancy and birth. I would not be a part of something that I am morally against. I feel that being a surrogate involves much more than being an incubator, its a lifelong commitment.
We are talking about a human life. Although the child may not be mine genetically, it would be carried within my womb. I would nourish her and rub my belly in the same manner that I did with my boys. I would want the very best for her. I would offer to bf her (or pump) as well.
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  #20  
November 16th, 2010, 06:08 PM
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I would plan for an OOHB. I'd want to be matched with 'crunchy' IPs. I've considered gestational surrogacy after we're done having kids.
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