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Husband is getting cold feet...


Forum: Natural Childbirth

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  #1  
November 15th, 2010, 10:59 AM
Arachne
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Let me start this with, my husband wasn't 100% on board with a NCB. He's always not really stated his opinion, and I've given answers, and explanations as to why I want a NCB. I feel as though it's best for baby. Medicine knocks me for a loop. I hate needles, I'm not wanting to tango with a big needle going between spinal vertebra. I don't want to risk it, just in case the anesthesiologist screws up (they're doctors, not Gods. They do make mistakes.) I want to be able to push in whichever position I like, and I doubt I can do that with an epidural or any other pain medicine. I want to be able to push in whichever position I like, because, at 31 weeks, it's already getting hard to breathe when I lay on my back, and I don't think that'll be helpful during labor and pushing. Also, being on all fours, on squatting, is said to lessen the risk/chance of tearing, which I am ALL for. I find these to be sound, solid reasons.

My husband, last night, starts in. "are you sure you want to do this without pain medicine?" "Yes." and I again, explain all of my reasons to him. My husband tends to be very empathetic, and he's worried how seeing me in pain will affect him. "I won't be able to get you anything, I'll be too weak in my knees to stand up." etc.

THEN he goes on about how big baby heads are, and etc. and I'm like "No, pushing out a baby doesn't sound particularly pleasant. Yet, neither does having a needle shoved between my vertebra. What if I have spinal headaches for weeks? What if the doctor oopsies, and I have back pain at the injection site for years? What if the doctor MEGA OOPSIES and I can't walk for a while?" Then I went on about how I've fought for near 9 months to be off as much medicine as possible, because it's safer for baby boy (I have anxiety and depression, which I should be medicated for, but I've fought off quite well for 6 months. All I've allowed is heartburn medicine, and asthma medicine, because if I can't breathe, it's no good for baby. Plus, the occasional tylenol), and how when the medicine hits MY blood stream, baby boy will feel it too, and WHY dope myself up at the very end, if I fought so hard for 8 months to be unmedicated?

My husband says "You're a pharmacy technician! You know you need to take your medicine. The epidural is affecting him for like 1 - 1 and 1/2 hours..." and I'm like "NO. The epidural will affect baby for as long as he stays in, and the medicine is in my system. Babies don't typically come 1 - 1 and 1/2 hours after an epidural. They have to get that medicine in there before a certain point. Like, 6 or 7cm, if I'm not mistaken, and usually, babies won't come that quick! If they did, there'd be no point in epidurals."

Then I went off on how epidurals can stall/stop labor, how it can lead to c-sections, etc. He was tired, so I'm not sure how much he actually heard me say... but, ladies... what else can I tell him? Other than, "Suck it the hell up, this is my body, I'm doin' it this way, and you're just going to sit there, rub my back, help me walk around, and keep me entertained. I'm doin' all the work, so it's my way, or the highway."

I don't know what else to tell my husband, or how else to make him understand that this is what I feel is best for baby. He goes off on how he's seen 2 successful epidurals (his ex), and blah blah blah.
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  #2  
November 15th, 2010, 11:10 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You sound like you are gonna do it with or with out him. I mean whats the alternative? Are you going to get the epi to appease him? My advice is to do what you said. You can do it nicer and with even less talking. Just say "I'm doing this. Let's figure out ways to help YOU prepare!" Have you taken any classes? 31 weeks is probably a little late to start if you haven't. But maybe some books that can help him feel prepared. Husband Coached Childbirth and The Birth Partner are always good. Then honestly I would seriously consider hiring a doula, for the both of you.
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  #3  
November 15th, 2010, 12:05 PM
Arachne
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I'm not getting an epidural to appease my husband, and he knows it. He knows I'm stubborn. Yet, he thinks, that I will thank him later, should he successfully convince me to get an epidural. I'm sorry, 12-24 hours (maybe more, maybe less) of pain, is worth none of the side effects, to me.

No, the only classes in my area are the general ones, where they go over medications, the medicine procedures, etc. So I never went, because I don't want any of that. I have read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, I'm watching The Business of Being Born tonight, I'm picking up a book on the Bradley Method... I've done hours of research.

We can't really afford a doula, although there are a few in the area, who I am considering emailing. I'm not sure if one would take me at 31 weeks along...

*edit* I'm sorry if my reply was a little short... I'm just a bit upset because he isn't more onboard, or more supportive of this... couple that with "how his ex had her kids" and it's enough to make me

Thank you so much for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

Last edited by Arachne; November 15th, 2010 at 12:10 PM.
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  #4  
November 15th, 2010, 12:13 PM
FusionGirl's Avatar Formerly TTC#1inNC
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It may be worth contacting the doulas. If you speak with them about your financial situation they may reduce their fee or take payments, you never know. Hopefully hubby will step up to the plate when the time comes. Maybe you can remind him that this isn't about him and how nervous he is, it is about the safety of you and your baby and that you really need him to be there for you.

Maybe try contacting some of the Bradley instructors in your area, maybe for a reduced fee they will be willing to give you and DH a crash course on NCB.
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  #5  
November 15th, 2010, 01:05 PM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I didn't take any offensive at the length of your response!

I know you have done a lot of research, but has he? Is he even willing to at this point? Make him watch Business of Being Born with you tonight!!! Maybe that will spark some motivation to educate himself or at least change his attitude for you.

I agree you should contact the doulas anyway. They might be willing to lower their fees but also offer other choices, like student doulas. Where do you live? I'm a student doula!
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  #6  
November 15th, 2010, 02:53 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Labor may last 24 hours, but it won't all be pain. Usually the pain or intesneness comes with transition, and by that time you're almost done, because after that it's pushing. You're in the home stretch, you don't need any stress. Just say "Listen, this is my birth, and I understand you're worried, but I want this birth to be as healthy as possible and I'm not going to get the epidural, so lets enjoy these lasts weeks instead of arguing". No one wants to see their spouse in pain, yet many men are by the sides of their laboring women who don't take pain medications. He may find a strength he never thought he had.
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  #7  
November 15th, 2010, 04:37 PM
alicenwonderland's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with the previous people. A doula could really help. Really the doula is just as much for the your SO as for you. She will help with your pain, so you SO isn't overwhelmed. And when you consider the price of an epidural on your hospital bill, a doula might be worth the cost.

I believe i would have gotten an epidural if it were not for my doula.

ETA- really try to win him over to your side. you really need him to support your decision when you are vulnerable. A doula could really help in this as well.
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Last edited by alicenwonderland; November 15th, 2010 at 04:45 PM.
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  #8  
November 16th, 2010, 10:05 AM
Arachne
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Thanks ladies!! I emailed the doula yesterday, and so far, no word back, but we'll see... I've got one other one I can contact. I'm really hoping my husband steps up on this.

No, my husband has done zero research, I don't know if he's willing to, but I think I'm picking up books for him at the library anyways. I'm in Southern Arizona, Bobitty. There's not much down here.

I hope you're right, Jenn. I hope he does find strength he never thought he had. I really, really need him for this.

LOL, the price on an epidural would be expensive. However, I have military insurance, so mine and baby's entire hospital stay, and all expenses are covered at 100%, I think we'll end up paying like $25 for the entire thing.

Hopefully this doula emails me back. There's a midwife in the area who I could contact, and she lists "doula services" on her site... but I dunno...

Top this off with, my grandma is going back and forth on whether or not she'll be here to watch my husband's kids when the baby is born. If FCC doesn't have anyone who can help us out... I may end up doing this alone, anyways. And honestly, that thought just makes me want to come apart and cry for days.
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  #9  
November 16th, 2010, 11:39 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm glad you called a doula and I hope she gets back to you with some helpful info!

As far as someone watching your husbands kids, things will work out. It always seems like chaos but somehow things come together. People always act weird but when it comes down to it they know you are going to be a little busy, in labor and all, they will pull together to take care of the things you need!
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  #10  
November 16th, 2010, 02:31 PM
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I would try contacting the second doula as well. I had a VERY hard time getting responses when I was looking, and I found that the rates varied, sometimes significantly. Some will also work with you, and base the rates on income, etc.

Hopefully DH will come around! I couldn't get mine to do any research or reading either. I had to do it and then pick out key facts and sections and read it to him. He's completely on board for a NCB and the birth center, but I still don't think he realizes the extent of what this is going to be like, and how much I could use his support. We did hire a doula, mostly because I feel like I'm going to need more support than he's willing/able to provide, and because he has expressed that he doesn't really want to be hands on, and just wants to sit and watch and encourage me.
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  #11  
November 16th, 2010, 05:07 PM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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i just told DH how it was going to be

can you transfer your care to a birth center or midwife? definitely ask doulas about reduced fees. try craigslist even!
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  #12  
November 16th, 2010, 05:38 PM
Caelen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Frankly, I'd tell him that last line. My body, my decisions. DH did the same thing for a while with DS on the way, then this time around he's 100% on board. It took him a while to see that I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing this for baby. I'm with you.. I don't like the idea of a big needle going into my spine, I don't like the idea of needles at all, I don't like the idea of being numb to any sensation except pressure..

When it comes down to it, only you can make the decision during childbirth. He can't order it for you. What might help you get him off of your back is to say that you're keeping an open mind about what you might need during the birth.. but that you're leaning towards NCB. By all means, continue with your plans for NCB, that line might just be a nicer way to tell him to get off your back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennTheMomma View Post
Labor may last 24 hours, but it won't all be pain. Usually the pain or intesneness comes with transition, and by that time you're almost done, because after that it's pushing. You're in the home stretch, you don't need any stress. Just say "Listen, this is my birth, and I understand you're worried, but I want this birth to be as healthy as possible and I'm not going to get the epidural, so lets enjoy these lasts weeks instead of arguing". No one wants to see their spouse in pain, yet many men are by the sides of their laboring women who don't take pain medications. He may find a strength he never thought he had.
You are SO right. I was in labor for 26 hours, but not all of it was "GIVE ME DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!" The only time I considered an epidural at all was when I was towards the end of transition and was at the point where I was thinking "I just can't do this anymore!" Next thing I knew I was ready to push.
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  #13  
November 16th, 2010, 06:16 PM
Arachne
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I love you ladies. I really do. My husband hasn't mentioned this lately. I'm bringing it up with him, though. I am going to email the 2nd doula today, since the other hasn't gotten back to me. The childcare issue has been resolved, yay!

Honestly, I think until I hit transition, I'll be okay during contractions with a book, or one of my favorite TV shows. Honestly, reading is my 'happy place'. I can block out most anything when I'm reading. Maybe I'm not thinking this is going to be as painful, or as bad as it may be. Maybe I'm being idealistic about this and not realistic. My pain threshold isn't supremely high, but at the same time, gut instinct, is this is something I can manage. Maybe my gut instinct is wrong.

Although, reading that you two ladies labored for a while, and it wasn't all pain, does make me feel better about what my gut instinct is.
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  #14  
November 16th, 2010, 07:26 PM
Caelen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm a big baby and can honestly say that until I was put on pitocin, my contractions were 100% something I could deal with. They didn't even really hurt.
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‎"That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place- so transcend your ego and stay in peace."

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Jacob 03/17/2009
Benjamin 03/18/2011
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  #15  
November 17th, 2010, 11:19 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
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I threatened to kick my DH out of the room if he wasn't going to support my decisions for a NCB. I did all the reading and I knew what I wanted. He wouldn't do any reading nor watch BoBB. Until he could bring me research saying that an epidural was in my best interest, I was going to do it my way. In the end he told me he was afraid of looking like an a* hole to the nurses for denying me any sort of pain relief. I told him I needed him to be that a* hole and wouldn't hold it against him

ETA: yeah, I didn't think my contractions were completely unbearable. There was pain but frankly I've had worse pain with a stomach bug than active labor. I didn't really feel pain after transition either. I could feel the contractions and feel the urge to push but the pain didn't really register to my brain I guess.
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Last edited by QueenCrafty; November 17th, 2010 at 11:22 AM.
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  #16  
November 18th, 2010, 05:45 PM
Lucky Mama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with all the other comments. It's your body, so you get final say. My husband was skeptical when I proposed NCB with DD. He brought up the same kinds of things and kept saying I might just want to go the "usual" route, just in case.

Finally, I sat him down and basically told him that I knew his comments were coming from a place of concern and love, and that I knew that some interventions have "benefits," but that I just was not comfortable taking on the extra risks associated with messing with labor in anyway. I explained to him that every intervention, even a "small intervention" carries a risk. It just wasn't worth it to me. After that talk, reluctantly taking Bradley classes, and watching BoBB, he was 100% converted.

As far as classes go, I would really recommend taking some sort of NCB class if you can. I know a lot of the Bradley teachers in our area will do a kind of summarized class over a few weeks at a reduced rate. It’s worth checking around for. If you can find a doula, that would be a wonderful support option. A doula may be able to help your hubby understand your desire for a NCB, too.

Good luck! KUP on how the “convincing” goes!
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