Log In Sign Up

What would you do in this situation? (kind of long)


Forum: Natural Childbirth

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Natural Childbirth LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
January 10th, 2012, 07:39 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
I'm asking for advice because I need to try to see this from all sides.

Quick history...my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. The baby passed away at 9 wks, just a few days after a good ultrasound, but my body didn't recognize it until I was 12 wks along.

When I was pregnant with L, I had bad anxiety. My OB understood that and every time he tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler, he would reassure me that if we couldn't, I could have an ultrasound.

Fast forward to today. At my first midwife appt last week, the midwife tried to listen to baby's heartbeat with the doppler but she spent maybe 2 min and stayed high the whole time (I was 10 wks). Ever since, I have been trying to remind myself that it was early and I still have all of the symptoms of pregnancy. But it's not working because I had all the symptoms during my first pregnancy, too. Over the last few days, I have gotten increasingly stressed and depressed, cried multiple times a day, and I'm just not coping well. So I called my midwife and asked her if they could schedule me for an ultrasound (my next appt isn't until Feb 2).

Her response was a flat no. She told me that I had already had a good ultrasound (no response when I told her that I did the first time, too) and that I would just need to try to find ways to bond with the baby and wait until my next appt when they would def be able to hear the heartbeat. (Couldn't she have atleast offered to fit me in for 5 minutes a week down the road to try the doppler again?)

This is the only midwife that was still available in my city. She is mostly likely my last chance (I am on 2 waiting lists) to have a med free birth NOT in a hospital (I really don't want to give birth in a hospital due to my experience during L's birth). My first reaction today was that I no longer feel comfortable trusting her to understand my concerns during this pregnancy and that if I can't feel comfortable now, how am I supposed to feel comfortable when it comes time to give birth?

If I cut her loose, I'm prob going to end up with a hospital birth. I will try to find an OB who delivers at one of the 2 hospitals here who allow laboring in a birth pool, but I won't get my water birth.

Someone pointed out that the no for the u/s may be because she operates out of a birthing center and it is their policy. I'm going to go to my next appt so that I can talk to her about it more. I got off the phone as fast as I could because I was trying not to start crying.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Try to find someone you feel more comfortable with or suck it up so you can have the birth you want?
__________________




Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

Visit
BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
January 10th, 2012, 08:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,088
Because I have never experienced the pain that you are feeling with the miscarriage I don't know what I would do in your situation. I can however, answer it the most analytical way possible. knowing your loss and where your head was at I am surprised that she even attempted using the doppler this early. I think we heard my sons heartbeat right around 12 weeks, however they prefaced it by telling us that we may or may not hear it, not hearing it doesn't mean that the baby has a problem and that it was very early. It can depend on your size where the baby is sitting etc. It sounds like you think that they were looking in the wrong place anyway, I remember them putting the doppler low like super low just over my public hair. Dopplers are touchy things, I had an appt when I was 38 weeks pregnant, I could feel the baby moving the doc could see the baby moving and we couldn't find a heartbeat. Because of the movement I didn't freak but you don't have those reassurances at this point.
I think that you are going to have to have a heart to heart with your midwife and figure out if she is the right one for you. And let her know where your head is at, maybe she doesn't understand where you are emotionally. From her perspective I understand not sending you for back to back ultrasounds and that it's a prescient that she doesn't want to set. We've all seen the ladies that would get a daily u/s if possible. Midwives tend toward a more natural approach and have a lower comfort level with things like ultrasound and my not make them as available as a doc might. I realize that is a broad generalization because I met one midwife that was more medical than my OB. When I was in a midwife practice they really only offer the n/t scan at 13 weeks and the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. Would it be reasonable to rent your own doppler until the baby starts moving?
Just because she is a midwife doesn't mean that she is the right fit, because of your history you may need the more medical approach of a doc. I had to leave a midwife practice and go to a doc at 32 weeks because we lost confidence. I still had a great birth. You need to decide where you are going to be most comfortable emotionally delivering, the emotional aspect is going to be huge in the delivery room. Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
January 10th, 2012, 09:22 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 0
((((((((hugs)))))))))) Penny! I'm sorry I haven't answered your email - I got super stresses out with some babysitting and work stuff - I didn't realize how stressed you were feeling.
I think you should have a good long talk with her next time. I'm really surprised she even did the doppler. I think I'd call back and see if she could do the doppler again at 11 weeks. more (((hugs))) I'm sorry you are stressing!
__________________

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
Reply With Quote
  #4  
January 11th, 2012, 03:17 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
Having had previous losses, I always needed to know that my care provider was going to listen to me if I was panicking. It doesn't happen often, but when someone tried the doppler at 10 weeks and couldn't find a heartbeat I also freaked out. But they sent me over for an immediate quick ultrasound. I really would not have been able to function without that.

So if I were you I'd flat out find a new care provider. A hospital birth isn't so terrible. I think having a midwife/doctor whom you trust understands you is more important than the location.
__________________



2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
~*~ My Blog ~*~
Reply With Quote
  #5  
January 11th, 2012, 06:20 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
Thanks, ladies. I will def be talking to her, but I'm also booking an appt at a clinic that delivers at one of the hospitals that allows laboring in a birthing pool.
__________________




Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

Visit
BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
January 11th, 2012, 09:52 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Bay Area CA
Posts: 19,074
Penny, I think that is good that you are booking another appt for a backup. If you don't feel comfortable with her, then it could make your labor harder, etc.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #7  
January 11th, 2012, 11:23 AM
STL_Beth's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 5,598
I had a hospital birth and it wasn't in water, but it was still a fantastic experience and obviously, planned to be repeating it again with my 2nd. I feel 100% comfortable with my OB. That being said, I can understand why you chose a midwife in the first place and I wouldn't rule her out completely. Like you said, you should talk with her at your next appt and explain yourself some more and see what she says.

Other things you can do in the meantime to put your mind at rest is to buy or rent a doppler and look for the heartbeat yourself. Although that can be more stressful than not, since it's hard to find by yourself that early. The other option is to find a 3rd party ultrasound place or an ultrasound school that would do an elective one just to put your mind at east.

GOOD LUCK and let us know what you end up deciding to do.
__________________






My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #8  
January 11th, 2012, 02:58 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
I have a doppler at home, but I haven't been able to find a heartbeat, either.

At my appt tomorrow, I'm going to tell them that I want the NT scan. Then I'll be able to see my baby again in about a week.

Thanks for all your input.
__________________




Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

Visit
BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
January 13th, 2012, 03:07 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 0
^^ clever Sorry you can't find baby on your doppler. it is *really* early for that. My midwives wouldn't even try until after 12 or 13 weeks. (((hugs)))
__________________

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
Reply With Quote
  #10  
January 13th, 2012, 06:41 PM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,286
I am completely with the ladies saying to trust your gut and either have a Heart-to-Heart with her about this...or find someone else.

I had exactly the same situation with a missed miscarriage, followed by three early losses, and my doc and midwife (even though the doc turned out to be an a$.s in the end) bent over backward to make sure I felt comfortable. Sonos, dopplers, measurements, answering questions...you name it, they did it to make me feel secure in my early days of pregnancy. It was one thing that kept me sane. The worry did not pass after 12 weeks or whatever.

You need to know you can completely count on this person to support your wishes and understand your concerns. What happens if down the line you have a concern about the birth and she blows you off in the same fashion? Strangely enough, her comment about "finding a way to bond with your baby" is my least favorite thing about the whole situation. Does she not understand that THAT is the problem? You CAN'T bond with a baby you don't know is alive. You are UNWILLING to grow attached until you know he/she is okay. That is the nature of pregnancy after loss. Needing to know you are bonding with something real.

But, I hope it reassures you to know that my little linebacker did not give up his heartbeat on doppler until over 11 weeks. And even then it was hit or miss until around 15 weeks. And I am not overweight. So 10 weeks was rather early and giving it another couple weeks before trying again is understandable for the "average" pregnant woman. But a woman who has had a loss is just not "average" and therefore, I am glad you are planning to talk to her and look into other options. I had a fabulous hospital birth my first time around. I don't think the locale matters as much as the provider.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #11  
January 14th, 2012, 12:41 AM
daneeleigh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,647
I would be more concerned about trusting and liking my care provider than location of the birth. Finding someone else may be your best bet. And at ten weeks i could sporadically find the hb, but it could take me 30 minutes to do it. And it'd last for only a few seconds. You have to search really really low for them.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #12  
January 14th, 2012, 06:39 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Left Coast
Posts: 816
Any update from your Penny? Were you able to get an appt with the other provider? Did you talk with your current MW?

I am so sorry about the way she treated you. I really hope its a miscommunication and you things can be repaired and you can get the birth you want, out of the hospital. But if not, I hope you can create a good situation in the hospital and you feel great about it!
__________________


Thank you Kiliki for my wonderfull siggie!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
January 14th, 2012, 03:08 PM
jillmarie's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 237
Sorry I'm late....

First off, let me say that I completely understand the feeling that you need to know that everything is going well, as a mother of a child with severe heart problems.

I have to side with your midwife on this one. It is still somewhat early to be able to hear the heartbeat reliably. In fact my midwife told me the very earliest is about nine weeks. The reason I think it's not a good idea to have multiple ultrasounds is that it's not going to change the outcome of anything. It would only be for your peace of mind (which I know is a wonderful thing to have....)

Here is the deal about ultrasounds. The baby's brain cells are constantly being created in the brain stem and moving outwards. The newly made cells are always heading to the outermost part of the brain where they belong. This is constant until the brain is completely developed. What happens during an ultrasound is that the new cells become frozen and do not continue moving to the outside. This is not a huge deal with one or two ultrasounds, but it can start to have a noticeable effect on three or more.

Just so you know, dopplers can have the same effect, though not as severe. The only completely safe mode to hear the heartbeat is with a fetoscope.

I hope this helps
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #14  
January 14th, 2012, 05:05 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pavia, Italy
Posts: 5,959
I miscarried my first, so I understand the uncertainty with everything. Midwives dont' typically do ultrasounds and if she's not affiliated with the hospital then she probably won't call for one. With ds2 my MW told me I could have a u/s if I wanted, but it's not something she does and it was something I would have to do on my own. I had a back up OBGYN, so I just scheduled it with his clinic, and I only do 1 u/s at 20 weeks because I'm not comfortable with the inconclusive research on it.

You need to talk to your MW about your concerns, and getting a Doula who specialises in women who've had previous losses and/or a back up OBGYN would be a good idea.
__________________
Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Reply With Quote
  #15  
January 15th, 2012, 12:10 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 0
FWIW - I respectfully disagree about the negative effects of ultrasound. My dad is a radiology professor - and we've talked at length about ultrasound. People have been able to harm cells in a petri dish with huge amounts of u/s. Nothing like you would get somewhere professional doing a normal check. He says he would not go to a private 3D place because you can't be sure the people there know what they are doing - not would he recommend getting your own and doing it all the time.
Aside from just - ya know - trusting my dad (lol) he is very very anti intervention, a firm believer in natural birth, very big on telling me all.the.risks of *everything* (man talk about TMI giving you nightmares). SO seriously - if *my* dad thinks something is fine. It's about as safe a a glass of water. (ye - think that one through )
Also - Penny's baby looks good - she posted in PAL where I was stalking her for updates!!!
__________________

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
Reply With Quote
  #16  
January 15th, 2012, 07:39 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
Thanks for updating for me, Ami! And thank you to everyone who responded.

I had a great appt with a clinic where a group of 10 female family doctors work. The doctor that I saw was so friendly and understanding, and when she couldn't find the heartbeat again, she sent me for an u/s that day. Baby is doing great and everything looks normal. I do have an anterior placenta, which could be why we haven't been able to find their hb (I don't mean earlier, I found L's at 11 weeks and still can't find this one's).

My next appt with the midwife is Feb 2, so that's when I'll be talking to her.
__________________




Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

Visit
BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
January 16th, 2012, 05:46 PM
daneeleigh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,647
I'm glad to hear that baby is okay! I hope you get some reassurance at your next appt that your midwife is the right choice.
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:28 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0