Been gone...question for mamas who had regrets?

ashj_1218 · #1 January 13th, 2012, 07:13 AM

Hi ladies! I used to be on this board a lot more but sorta went away after my little guy was born in September. I hope to come back and hang out. I am already planning (in my head) my next birth

But I have a question for mamas who had labors that did not really go "according to your wishes." I can't help but feel kinda petty for my thoughts/feelings about my son's birth. He is here, safe, and at the time I did what I felt like I *could* to get him here that way. I was actually happier with it immediately after having him. But as time has passed, I feel a sense of failure for how I was during labor and birth. I feel like I fell into the "typical traps." And am a little irritated with myself for giving up my convictions so easily. If that makes any sense.

So for those who had things go a "different" route...how did you work through those feelings of "failure." Was there anything that helped you come to terms with the way the birth went? Was it time that helped?

I will go look for the "story" and link it up, so those who have no idea what I am talking about can read it if you want. But it is not necessary for the question

Hope to hang around way more often. I love the ladies and the support this board offers

Birth Story Link: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...ters-bang.html (Kieran Patrick Enters with a BANG!)

STL_Beth · #2 January 13th, 2012, 08:54 AM

I just went and read your story and I have to say it sounds pretty awesome. My bradley teacher always said it's not necessarily about having a 100% natural birth, it's about making the right decisions for each individual case and person. You had to make decisions about your birth and weigh the benefits and risk of each one, like when you decide to take the pitocin. Think about the alternatives that could have happened... you could have been laboring for so long that you would have been so tired and ended up with a c/s. And you did a lot, I'm sure, to get him turned to avoid a c/s as well. I think you need to give yourself way more credit, you did an awesome job and I would be honored to have the same birth. Go out and read more birth stories, you'll see just how "out of control" they get and how much better yours was.

I can't really help you with the "failure" feeling - I think it's just mommy guilt. My birth with my son was just about as perfect as you can get and I still experienced it...like what could I have done better. It just means you want the best for you and your baby. If anything, maybe talk to your doula about it??

Twhylite21 · #3 January 13th, 2012, 07:24 PM

I had guilt and issues after Violet's home birth. I was ready to push at 6 hours in and then she got stuck. I just remember asking my midwives, "why, can't I get her out?" and getting upset. They were really good about having me move around, etc and I got her out after 3 hours of pushing. She had turned during labor and came out face first with her head twisted sideways. It was a super strange presentation.

I had issues later because 1) I was pissed at myself for being frustrated during labor and not being as calm as I wanted, 2) her heart rate kept dropping, I was hyperventilating and we almost needed a transfer and that made me feel bad about the experience and 3) I just felt like it should have been easier.

Did I get her out just fine? Yes. Did I have my home birth? Yes. Was it the birth I "expected"? No. And that's what bothered me. She'll be 2 in March and I'm still feeling sad sometimes about the whole thing. Like, I should have focused more on any labor situation, and not just assumed it'd be as easy as Lily's labor, etc. I'm due in May and I'm nervous about this baby twisting during labor and having the same situation happen. But at least I know I got through it with Vi fine. And I don't expect people to get why I'm sad about Vi's birth, but it just bothered me that it wasn't what I had built up in my head. Which is why I'm trying not to do that this time.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that even if you have a NCB, you may still have feelings of failure. It's all in your experience. And I think a lot of times it's only the mom that feels that way, while everyone else thinks that she did a great job.

BobbityBoo · #4 January 14th, 2012, 07:08 AM

I don't have any good advice just want to offer moral support and

~~Que~~ · #5 January 14th, 2012, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twhylite21

I had guilt and issues after Violet's home birth. I was ready to push at 6 hours in and then she got stuck. I just remember asking my midwives, "why, can't I get her out?" and getting upset. They were really good about having me move around, etc and I got her out after 3 hours of pushing. She had turned during labor and came out face first with her head twisted sideways. It was a super strange presentation.

I had issues later because 1) I was pissed at myself for being frustrated during labor and not being as calm as I wanted, 2) her heart rate kept dropping, I was hyperventilating and we almost needed a transfer and that made me feel bad about the experience and 3) I just felt like it should have been easier.

Did I get her out just fine? Yes. Did I have my home birth? Yes. Was it the birth I "expected"? No. And that's what bothered me. She'll be 2 in March and I'm still feeling sad sometimes about the whole thing. Like, I should have focused more on any labor situation, and not just assumed it'd be as easy as Lily's labor, etc. I'm due in May and I'm nervous about this baby twisting during labor and having the same situation happen. But at least I know I got through it with Vi fine. And I don't expect people to get why I'm sad about Vi's birth, but it just bothered me that it wasn't what I had built up in my head. Which is why I'm trying not to do that this time.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that even if you have a NCB, you may still have feelings of failure. It's all in your experience. And I think a lot of times it's only the mom that feels that way, while everyone else thinks that she did a great job.

What ethnicity are you? I was having a long convo with a midwife one day about how that is a typical presentation for Asian women that often happens due to pelvis shape. I really with there was more research about it, it's pretty fascinating to me.

Twhylite21 · #6 January 14th, 2012, 06:14 PM

I'm half Korean/half Caucasian. My mom (full Korean) had a similar presentation with my older sister and ended up with a c-section. But my sister was presenting typical sunny side up, while Violet presented face first and face up (her eye was the first thing you saw when I pushed her out).

~~Que~~ · #7 January 15th, 2012, 02:09 AM

Wow- just wow. If I were in your shoes, after everything I have seen in hospital births, I would feel so proud in what you achieved. That's a hard birth presentation. Some OB's would say almost impossible! You did a great job!

Twhylite21 · #8 January 15th, 2012, 12:48 PM

Thanks

My midwives had never seen a presentation quite like Vi's and a CNM I recently saw for this baby said she's only seen 3 eye first deliveries in over 20 years. She said that if Vi's chin hadn't tucked then most likely she wouldn't have come out, as it was she had massive head bruising and a huge bump that even now (at almost 22 months old) can still be felt.

..Penelope.. · #9 February 10th, 2012, 10:10 AM

I have many regrets about L's birth and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them. Almost nothing that I wanted to happen did, except that I got my med free delivery. And it wasn't because they COULDN'T happen, for my safety or L's, it was a bunch of other reasons.