Log In Sign Up

Does it make you sad?


Forum: Natural Childbirth

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree4Likes
  • 1 Post By lunarmagic
  • 2 Post By ashj_1218
  • 1 Post By d_tops

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Natural Childbirth LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
February 16th, 2012, 02:00 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pavia, Italy
Posts: 5,959
That so many pregnant women seem to only focus on how "damaged" their vagina will be after birth?

I work with pregnant women, doing childbirth education, prenatal care, and other birthy stuff. A lot of my first time mom clients always ask what will happen to their vaginal area and will say things like "I hope my DH/BF/partner still likes it". Sometimes I just want to look them straight in their eyes and say "you know there is more to you then just your vagina". I've even had many young clients schedule elective first c-sections based on "preserving" their vaginas. I wonder if they truly felt that, or if they were pressured into by their spouses.
__________________
Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Reply With Quote
  #2  
February 16th, 2012, 05:04 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
I've honestly never understood that. I've never taken pictures of my vagina, my DH doesn't like go down and stare at it. It's definitely different after birth, but I've never had any sort of frame of reference for a "pretty" vagina I guess.... I just never thought much about it. As long as it still works (and I assure you, it does) then I'm all good with it.

It's just really weird to me that so many girls are concerned about this!
3Sapphires likes this.
__________________



2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
~*~ My Blog ~*~
Reply With Quote
  #3  
February 16th, 2012, 05:21 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 5,791
I completely understand the concern. I think it is a totally normal thing to worry about.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #4  
February 16th, 2012, 06:57 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pavia, Italy
Posts: 5,959
I think it's ok to worry about it, but it just seems like so many women don't understand that the vagina is actually designed to stretch and allow a baby to come from it. And the way that the women I work with talk about it it makes it seem like they are only as good as their vagina, like their husbands would divorce them if they didn't have a nice vagina any more. And that is what makes me sad.
__________________
Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Reply With Quote
  #5  
February 16th, 2012, 07:07 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 5,791
I know that there are guys like that out there. Like, I have heard stories and cognitively I understand they exist. But all the women I know worried about it and not one of their husbands would ever say a word about it. We understand that the vagina is made to push babies out, but it is hard to wrap your head around how it all works. Usually a penis is a snug fit. Babies are huge in comparison. How on earth does it all go back? And when you ask around you get varying answers from sex is better after, to no, it never went back and sex has never been the same. And since a healthy sex life is so closely tied to a healthy marriage for most people, it is natural to then wonder if you don't go back, will the sex suck, will your husband still be happy if the sex sucks? Will he pretend to be fine even though he is miserable (which is almost worse)?

I can say I honestly worry that if I get the VBAC I want that there is a chance that not only will my stomach be ruined, but my vagina as well. It's not going to keep me from trying, but the fear is there.

I think that there are certain demographics of women for whom the inability to "keep a man happy in bed" is a far more damaging thing and I can see how for those women, that fear would stay at the forefront of their minds.

I mean, if that thought didn't worry you going into your first vaginal birth, then that's really great, but you're waay in the minority. Having good sex with their partners is important to most people.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #6  
February 16th, 2012, 07:50 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pavia, Italy
Posts: 5,959
Yes I get that having a healthy sex life is part of a healthy marriage. I think that is the problem with some societies, is that there is just not enough education, women are sort of pressured to feel like they have to have a vagina of a young person and it needs to be perfect to keep a husband, and that it seems almost taboo to even talk about it. I want my clients to feel more valued then just their vaginas, and that the vagina being damaged is actually rare. I always tell them that the vagina is like a rubberband, it goes back to normal or close to it.

I also don't like the notion that a stomach after birth is some how ruined now. Some women may not ever have those tight abs or a flat stomach anymore, but that is in no way ruined. A scar doesn't ruin a stomach either. I think there is so much pressure on women to have to look and stay the same through the changes of childbirth and motherhood. But the fact is, that even women who never have kids will still change. This also goes along the same lines that many women feel that their boobs will be ruined if they breastfeed. We are more than just our bodies and physical self, that was my point.
__________________
Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Reply With Quote
  #7  
February 16th, 2012, 07:56 PM
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 5,791
You may not believe my c-section ruined my stomach, but I know that my c-section ruined my stomach. It's just the truth. It's not the scar or the stretch marks, but the hideous flap. I won't let my husband see me totally naked anymore. Yes, I most definitely feel my stomach is ruined.

And I know what you are saying, and to some extent I agree, but I still think it is normal to worry and be scared. I also HATE that my boobs aren't perky anymore. I mean, maybe one day we'll transcend all caring about our physical selves, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. And I get what you are saying, I really do, but I also totally understand the fear and think it is normal.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #8  
February 17th, 2012, 06:23 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,966
I tend to be on the "we are more than our bodies" side of things. But reading this thread has helped me see a little bit of the "other side" and I can see why some women worry about these things. It saddens me a little, but I can see it.

To be honest, it never crossed my mind that I might "ruin" my vagina by having a vaginal birth. But I guess I am in the camp that if my husband judges our sex life (and potentially the health of our marriage) by the state of my vagina...I am clearly in the wrong relationship already. That is absolutely my personal opinion. There are so many other ways to have a healthy sex life and marriage than placing all the emphasis on my vagina. To that end, I believe that if a man is miserable in his marriage simply because the vaginal sex is not "great" that would signal other issues as well. They are more than their bodies as well. But again, I have some distinct opinions on this that are not meant for this thread

But I do like hearing the rationale behind both sides of the issue. Very informative.

FWIW: I ran into this concern sometimes in my previous line of work and never understood it. It made me a little sad (and that was before I was ever pregnant). So if I head back to that line of work after the kids go to school, I will know a little more about it.
HappyHippy and Quantum_Leap like this.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9  
February 17th, 2012, 12:24 PM
HappyHippy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pavia, Italy
Posts: 5,959
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden View Post
You may not believe my c-section ruined my stomach, but I know that my c-section ruined my stomach. It's just the truth. It's not the scar or the stretch marks, but the hideous flap. I won't let my husband see me totally naked anymore. Yes, I most definitely feel my stomach is ruined.

And I know what you are saying, and to some extent I agree, but I still think it is normal to worry and be scared. I also HATE that my boobs aren't perky anymore. I mean, maybe one day we'll transcend all caring about our physical selves, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. And I get what you are saying, I really do, but I also totally understand the fear and think it is normal.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I come from a different mind set, that bodies are beatiful no matter what marks it has, how flabby a stomach is, if boobs are perky or not, if you are black, white or brown, etc. I didn't mean to be rude or anything, it was just something that I was observing and thought it was kind of sad that people were only valuing certain body parts rather than their whole self which is more than their body.
__________________
Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Reply With Quote
  #10  
February 18th, 2012, 07:47 AM
Dee
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,442
I think the way that we idolize youth in general is very unsettling. I don't know about you, but I am much happier in my 30s than I was at 19, and even though my body is not nearly so youthful, I like it better, mostly because I understand it more and don't have the same self-image issues. I can't imagine spending most of my life wishing I still looked like a child. I am still self conscious about some aspects of my appearance, and I have numerous vanities, but I don't pine for 19.

Still, I get the nervousness. For me, it's more around my enjoyment of my own body than a concern that I'll be able to please my husband. We have a solid, comfortable relationship, I'm not worried that he's going to trade me in for a younger vagina, he's just not that guy. But I do worry that my experience of sex will change. And my mother has convinced me that natural childbirth led to a variety of problems for her that "every woman experiences" (e.g., incontinence), so you can bet that I worry about that. I think it's normal to have anxiety about change, and maybe for some people it's easier to voice their concerns about the tangible changes to their body than to ask about their concerns regarding the way their relationships and experience of life might change.
Quantum_Leap likes this.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #11  
February 20th, 2012, 03:45 PM
therevslady's Avatar Built for Birth
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 6,191
Personally, I love my vagina. I love how it has changed. So does my husband. And you know what, after three kids, it really hasn't changed THAT much. Women are drilled and drilled to have a certain type of body in our culture. It's sad that we have to even be worried about what birth will do to your vagina. Honestly, it's not just birth that changes your vagina. Pregnancy in general, changes your entire body, including your vagina (and YOUR BOOBS), no matter if you have a vaginal birth, csection, breastfeed, or not. It's pretty much unavoidable. I wish our culture could embrace the changes. It's liberating in your marriage when your husband rejoices in the maturation of your body as you become a mother. My husband knows what sort of amazing things my vagina has accomplished, and I'm so thankful that he's so amazed by that!
__________________
Previously known as ~~Que~~

Reply With Quote
  #12  
February 20th, 2012, 06:14 PM
bostoncreampie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: outer space
Posts: 22,680
Send a message via AIM to bostoncreampie
I dunno, this one doesn't bother me.
__________________
mama to 5 yr old DS1 , 3 year old DS2 , and nursling DD .
Reply With Quote
  #13  
February 22nd, 2012, 01:07 PM
Momof4Boyz's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 8,212
Send a message via MSN to Momof4Boyz
It kind of annoys me, honestly. I guess I also lean very far on the "we're more than our bodies" side. But seriously after 4 kids - 2 of them being 10+lbs, my husband and I were just talking about this a few days ago and he said, "I can't tell a difference" lol. So. Yeah. And my vagina IS wrecked - got a little prolapse thing going on but so far it's not causing problems.

I don't like my weight right now, which I'm working on that but my body as a whole, I love my body. I love my stretch marks (my stomach is a diaster), every last imperfection is perfect to me - my husband certainly doesn't mind. Boobs, butt, it's not what it was 10 years ago but it's all good! Our bodies are beautiful regardless of size or shape or age!

And your body changes over time anyway, just like your skin it's not going to be forever tight and firm forever - babies or no babies! You have to learn to love it for what it is!
__________________


Facebook
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:00 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0