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I went in for my first two prenatal appointments yesterday. I am seeing two midwives; one delivers home-births, the other has hospital privileges, so I use her for medical backup in the case a transfer would be needed during birth.
Well I went to the first (home birth practice) and had a great appt overall. I really connected with the midwives there. They tried to use a doppler to hear a heartbeat, but were unsuccessful. She said it was probably just too early, suspecting I had a retroverted uterus, and assured me that even a few days could have an effect at this point.
but I was worried... I've had this fear in the back of my mind for several weeks that we would go to the appt and there would be no heartbeat.
So I went to my second appt with the other practice, and told the midwife what happened and requested an ultrasound (btw- DH was with me for both. We left the boys with some friends). She called in one of the OB's and after what seemed like forever, they were only able to find a 7 weeks sack and no visible baby. Actually she just kept looking without saying anything so I finally said "is there even anything there?" (knowing what I was seeing.. this isn't my first time looking at an ultrasound). She said, "well, normally you would see a fetal poll, blah blah blah.." I was thinking to myself, "fetal poll at 12 weeks? Or even 7? Yeah, we should be seeing more than that by now." So she tells me maybe my dates are off and I'm just earlier than I thought (I got my first BFP over 8 weeks ago! I don't see how it's even possible to consider I'd be THAT far off!), and that she wanted to check my hormone levels today and again in 48 hours to see if they were rising. She also wants me to go back in a week for another ultrasound. She said they would not be pessimistic, but optimistic, etc.. Honestly, I know what's going on here, and I just wish she would have been *realistic*, rather than offering false hope.. I burst into tears as soon as she left the room.
I'm doing the hCG labs because I want to know if my body even knows what's going on so we can make a plan.. but I really have no desire to go back for another ultrasound. I went in today for the test and it took two nurses 5 sticks to get the one small vial of blood they needed. I've never had that problem before.. I actually left after the first 3 sticks to go home and try to hydrate, and got a sweater because I was *cold*. My arms are sore.. I go back Thursday. We'll see what happens.
I'm really really upset. So is DH. I know it sounds cliche but we really wanted this baby! I feel very lost and scared. This is our first loss, so I really don't know what to expect.. Please pray for peace and healing for our family. I'm trying to stay strong in front of my children because they are still so young I don't think they would understand and I don't want to scare them.
Oh, and we closed on our house this morning.. which I'm really excited about, but that means now I have to pack and move during everything. I'm more than overwhelmed. We have some friends who have offered to help, but it's still not going to be easy!
Anyway, I didn't want to leave without saying anything.. but I will probably take a break from JM for a little while. I just need time to heal.
There are no words during the time of a loss. So much heart ache. I'll pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. I hope for your sake that the move goes smoothly. My heart is so broken for you.
Previously known as ~~Que~~
Student Midwife, Doula, Placenta Specialist, and Lactation Counselor
I'm so sorry again to hear about your heartbreaking loss. There are no words that could make it an easier but I wish there were. I know we've never even met but if you need anything please feel free to contact me. Praying again tonight for your sweet family