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This was our last baby and last pregnancy. It was important to me to experience one more natural childbirth, but now that will never happen. All I will have is the natural childbirth of my youngest son.
I won't go in depth, but the situation is that I developed preeclampsia. At first, my midwife remained hopeful for me, but in the end, even she said I needed to be in the hospital. My preeclampsia was so severe it bordered on eclampsia, my labs had numbers higher than anyone in the hospital had ever seen before. Still, I fought every step of the way to keep the birth as natural as possible (they were afraid labor would send me into seizures and wanted to do a c-section, but I fought that every step of the way). They wrapped my bedrails with blankets in case I had a seizure, and I labored for 24 hours on cytotec (I didn't want the pitocin) and only progressed to 2. They told me I would have to get a c-section and so I got the epi, but the epi was administered and didn't work and then suddenly the baby came out on her own. (Thank goodness, because I don't want to imagine having a c-section with an epi that wasn't working, and the nurses weren't listening to me when I told them it wasn't working--they also didn't believe me that the baby was coming since they just checked me and I was only 2cm, so I ended up with a nurse delivering my baby).
Isabel was born at 3lbs 11oz.
So here is why I'm posting this here, even though it wasn't a natural childbirth.
1) I knew something was wrong for WEEKS and I let it get blown off as "normal pregnancy" things. Now I wonder if more could have been done sooner to slow down the pre-eclampsia progression. I ate healthy and exercised every day, but maybe I needed a special diet or something.
2) When I was 2cm and they said c-section, I knew I had just gone into transition. Yes, I was only 2cm, but I know what transition feels like, and I know once I hit transition I dilate FAST and have the baby SOON. I didn't trust my body enough to fight the nurse and tell her the baby would come soon. In fact, I thought "this feels like transition, but it can't be because I'm only 2cm" and my thinking was I didn't even care if I had a c-section at that point because the magnesium treatment was making me ill and I just wanted to be put out of my misery by any means possible. If I had trusted my body, I would have known all I needed was half an hour and would have declined the epi knowing the baby would be born before the doctors got around to giving me a c-section anyway.
Anyway, long story short, trust your body!
The good news is, I did avoid a c-section. Everything else about the birth sucked and I'm dealing with some really rotten feelings about it all, disappointment, and feeling like my body failed me and my baby. While my hospital experience was good, for a hospital experience, every step of the way was a reminder to me why I would never have chosen a hospital birth outside of needing one for medical reasons.
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Mama! You have been through so much! I'm glad you decided to share your feelings and experience with us because I think that's vital to healing, but please don't beat yourself up! Pre-E is so scary and really out of our hands! I'm glad you are okay! How is little Isabel?
Don't kick yourself for what you couldn't possibly have known. Hindsight is 20-20. Of course, looking back you "know" something was wrong. I did/do the same thing. Looking back I had every single indication of an abruption. Every.last.one. But I didn't know what I was looking for. Just like you didn't. Feeling "off" or like its normal pregnancy stuff is probably pretty common.
And I imagine it was probably pretty disorienting to be in the hospital, laboring on major meds, and trying to advocate for yourself. Not exactly the prime situation for you to be in tune with your body and what's happening with it.
I am so, so sorry that you are feeling this way. It might take time for you to accept how things happened and feel empowered by the birth that didn't go quite how you wanted it to. It's hard, no matter what the circumstances, to come to peace when things go a bit haywire. But you did awesome!! Beyond awesome! I am so glad you and Isabel are safe.
So glad to hear from you! Congratulations on the new baby and for being able to avoid a c-section.
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling right now. When my birth didn't go as planned, I was upset for weeks. Just try to keep your head up and know you did the very best job you could have. <3 much love to you mama