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  #1  
August 1st, 2007, 03:42 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm newly pregnant and I've been thinking about an un-medicated birth for a long time and know that's what I want to (attempt to) do.

In my mind the best way to achieve that is having a doula there at the birth. I read up about them and it really sounds like something very beneficial.

The problem? My husband does NOT want anyone there other than the midwife/doctor. We just got into an argument about it. He says he feels like he's being excluded from the birthing experience.

I guess we could take Bradley classes and really hope that he DOES fulfill that role... but I think it makes me nervous... he's never had a kid before either, and having the wisdom of an experienced doula is really reassuring to me. Hubby thinks he can be my full support system, but can he? (And don't say that outloud, ever. Apparently I am doubting his devotion. I'm not - I'm doubting his SKILL. He doesn't see the difference.)

Plus he sees doulas as very "new-agey" and hippy and unnecessary. ("Millions of people manage to give birth without them." "Yes, but most of them get epidurals and/or c-sections. That's not what I want. This is actually the way people USED to give birth." "Yeah, and babies DIED." Yeah, so he's not a fan of non-medical anything. He's insisting I give birth in a hospital.)

Has anyone dealt with this before? What the heck do I do now? I have 8 months to go so it's not like I don't have time, but how the heck do I balance out his needs and desires with my own? I'm very tempted to tell him that mine take precidence, since I'm the one in labor, but I always pictured it as a very special time for BOTH of us.
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  #2  
August 1st, 2007, 04:18 PM
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Just a couple points to refute what HE has said...

yes babies died, babies STILL die, and most of the time in the past it was due to unsanitary environments and infection, NOT an issue now-a-days.

Tell him you'd like to have a meeting with a Doula just to get an idea what she does and how she operates. Most will encourage the spouse to participate fully. Tell him you want someone who can deal with the circumstances surrounding the birth so that you and HE can focus on bringing your child into the world. Explain it to him so that he understands that she will actually enable him to participate more fully.
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  #3  
August 1st, 2007, 05:59 PM
TheOtherMichelle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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A doula can also support your husband by bringing him food, letting him take bathroom breaks, etc, so he can take a break and be assured that you are in good hands. They can also act as a liason between you two and any family or hospital staff which will free him up to focus on you.

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  #4  
August 1st, 2007, 06:06 PM
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Just wanted to add that no matter how prepared your husband THINKS he maybe and want to be by your side, he might freeze when it is actually time. I prepped my hubby for months and made sure he knew what to do and if the hospital staff wanted one thing, how to ask for a second opinion. When I was in labor, he froze. He didn't know what the hell to do. Thank God my mom, sister, grandma, midwife and OB were there. They had to help him out too. The doula can only add to the experience. GL on talking him into it.
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  #5  
August 1st, 2007, 06:22 PM
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In this situation, I would highley reccomend the bradley classes. We took them and my husband ended up being my number one supporter, even with my doula there. All the doula ended up doing was taking pictures, bringing him food and assisting on bathroom breaks. DH did WONDERFUL, never froze, asked the right questions and helped me relax. Trust me he really could have cared less before the classes, he supported me but never read a thing and was just kind of like uh huh, before them. After, whole different story. I think going there and seeing all these other masculine professional, non-hippies really helped change his mind. Good luck with it though, it can be hard. Take your bradley classes early too.
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  #6  
August 1st, 2007, 07:27 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you so much girls for your opinions and experiences! I think this really helped me figure out how to approach this. He's all but said, "You're going to get a doula anyways, you've made up your mind, so whatever," but honestly I was very taken aback by his reaction.

Thing is, a year ago (when we were in the beginning stages of trying) I did a lot of research and I loved the Bradley method. But when I talked to him about it he poo-pood the idea and basically sounded like he'd do it, but you know... he'd put in his "appearance". Obviously I need more than that, so I started thinking about other ways.

So now that he really IS into this I think I will go for the Bradley method. (He thinks labor classes are all about "breathing". Hahhaha.) I still think having a doula would be a good idea, but as long as I get the support one way or the other I'm fine with it. I am determined to do this, but I am going to need help.

How early should I take the Bradley classes? I'm only 4w4d now. I figure I'll start seriously looking into doulas and birth classes after my ultrasound in two weeks.
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  #7  
August 1st, 2007, 07:38 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow, so I just broached the Bradley method to him and he was ALL for it. He loves the idea. And he said he doesn't mind a doula being there if she "just fetches things". I'm really kind of taken aback by how enthusiastic he is about being my labor coach.

Thank you all!!
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  #8  
August 2nd, 2007, 01:29 PM
CBMS
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Quote:
I'm newly pregnant and I've been thinking about an un-medicated birth for a long time and know that's what I want to (attempt to) do.

In my mind the best way to achieve that is having a doula there at the birth. I read up about them and it really sounds like something very beneficial.

The problem? My husband does NOT want anyone there other than the midwife/doctor. We just got into an argument about it. He says he feels like he's being excluded from the birthing experience.

I guess we could take Bradley classes and really hope that he DOES fulfill that role... but I think it makes me nervous... he's never had a kid before either, and having the wisdom of an experienced doula is really reassuring to me. Hubby thinks he can be my full support system, but can he? (And don't say that outloud, ever. Apparently I am doubting his devotion. I'm not - I'm doubting his SKILL. He doesn't see the difference.)

Plus he sees doulas as very "new-agey" and hippy and unnecessary. ("Millions of people manage to give birth without them." "Yes, but most of them get epidurals and/or c-sections. That's not what I want. This is actually the way people USED to give birth." "Yeah, and babies DIED." Yeah, so he's not a fan of non-medical anything. He's insisting I give birth in a hospital.)

Has anyone dealt with this before? What the heck do I do now? I have 8 months to go so it's not like I don't have time, but how the heck do I balance out his needs and desires with my own? I'm very tempted to tell him that mine take precidence, since I'm the one in labor, but I always pictured it as a very special time for BOTH of us.[/b]
My husband was somewhat like that. I basically said that when he's the one pushing a person out of his vagina, he can make the decisions. Until then, *I'M* the one that gives birth, and it will be *MY* desires that are met...

he got the picture.
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  #9  
August 2nd, 2007, 03:51 PM
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I'm so glad he's on board for the bradley classes, that's great! As for when to sign up, if you wait a few weeks that's fine, but they teach you a lot about proper nutrition (make sure your getting at least 80-100 grams of protien daily!), exercises and such to do long before labor, so that's why I said it. Check with the local instructors in your area, if there's only a few of them they may book up months in advance (mine did anyway) so it's always worth checking. Good luck!
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  #10  
August 2nd, 2007, 04:53 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
My husband was somewhat like that. I basically said that when he's the one pushing a person out of his vagina, he can make the decisions. Until then, *I'M* the one that gives birth, and it will be *MY* desires that are met...

he got the picture. [/b]
DH got all whiny when I said something like that. Something about being excluded from it all. (Well, ummm... yeah?)


Quote:
I'm so glad he's on board for the bradley classes, that's great! As for when to sign up, if you wait a few weeks that's fine, but they teach you a lot about proper nutrition (make sure your getting at least 80-100 grams of protien daily!), exercises and such to do long before labor, so that's why I said it. Check with the local instructors in your area, if there's only a few of them they may book up months in advance (mine did anyway) so it's always worth checking. Good luck! [/b]
Okay, I'll definitely look into it ASAP!


DH is okay with me having a doula but we had a discussion about it again... he doesn't care if I want one there (as long as he's the main support person a la Bradley method) but he wants NOTHING to do with her. He thinks anyone who isn't a medical doctor is a quack.

Yeah, this is why I need a doula... he believes everything that a doctor says.
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  #11  
August 3rd, 2007, 03:15 PM
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Quote:
Okay, I'll definitely look into it ASAP!


DH is okay with me having a doula but we had a discussion about it again... he doesn't care if I want one there (as long as he's the main support person a la Bradley method) but he wants NOTHING to do with her. He thinks anyone who isn't a medical doctor is a quack.

Yeah, this is why I need a doula... he believes everything that a doctor says.[/b]
Just remind him that he's just as much of a quack. He's not a medical doctor either.

Honestly, though, I think he'll probably warm up to it in time.
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  #12  
August 3rd, 2007, 05:43 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Okay, I'll definitely look into it ASAP!


DH is okay with me having a doula but we had a discussion about it again... he doesn't care if I want one there (as long as he's the main support person a la Bradley method) but he wants NOTHING to do with her. He thinks anyone who isn't a medical doctor is a quack.

Yeah, this is why I need a doula... he believes everything that a doctor says.[/b]
Just remind him that he's just as much of a quack. He's not a medical doctor either.

Honestly, though, I think he'll probably warm up to it in time.
[/b]
I think you're right on that. He already seems much more okay with the idea, just from letting it simmer in his head for two days. (and HE suggested a Lactation Consultant today... because a woman at work told him I should definitely see one. So apparently other peoples' suggestions are valid. )
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  #13  
August 8th, 2007, 01:58 PM
New_England_Girl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi there! I'm from the November DDC and also post on here. I've been following you for some time in the April DDC: congrats BTW! I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth if I may.

First of all, I think it's wonderful that you're considering DH's feelings as well as your own! Your relationship is just as important if not more important than childbirthing options!
Secondly, I'd like to advise you to interview your doula of choice carefully before you hire one. My aunt had one at her son's birth that wasn't worth her weight in mustard. I mean that woman never did anything! I would think that someone like that would be much more of a hassle and a distraction than a help.
Thirdly, remind your husband that doctors, while well-paid for their education, are not the final authority on your pregnancy! I had a doctor once that insisted I had an ectopic pregnancy even though I had NONE of the symptoms, and cut me open 'just to check'. Of course, she didn't find anything, just like I told her she wouldn't. Ever since then I have researched extensively everything doctors tell me and have even refused several of the prenantal tests which I didn't think were necessary. So go with your gut instinct and remind DH that it's OK to go against what the doctor says sometimes (though not in a stupid way, obviously).

Bravo for your decision to go natural! Good luck to you, and I'll be 'lurking' on the April DDC to see how you're doing!
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  #14  
August 9th, 2007, 10:50 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks Sara!! I have no qualms about disagreeing with doctors... even Den has disagreed with some on occassion, so I don't know why he's so adamant thatn an OB knows everything! And yes, if we do hire a doula, we will certainly be interviewing carefully, and calling references. I need to make sure it's someone I trust.
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  #15  
August 11th, 2007, 11:55 AM
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Remind him that a doula or Birth assistant is there for him. They are what you need of them. What if something came up he didn't know? This woman he hired would know. And she would love to assist him in assisting you! I LOVE it when dad's are into the birth and in supporting the woman they love. It is beautiful!

How would he feel if something came up that HE didn't know how to handle and it changed the course of your birth for the worst or HIS fear was a dystocia in your labor? It happens.

Just some ideas.
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