Family Pressure

pepper73 · #1 August 29th, 2011, 08:27 AM

Do any of you experience pressure from your family members to have a baby?

Yesterday my BF and I stopped at his parents' house and when we were leaving, his mother called me back in and asked me to make her a grandson. I told her I would, but definitely didn't go into details about the fact that we are trying. I totally appreciate the fact that she likes me enough to want me to have a child with her son, but it also puts more pressure on me. I'm already putting a ton of pressure on myself.

What have some of your experiences been with family members who are eager for a new addition? How do you handle them? It's a good thing she didn't request that on Thursday when AF arrived. I might have burst into tears!

disneydiva76 · #2 August 29th, 2011, 08:45 AM

With our family its the opposite. I get alot of rude comments about how can you afford more than one child today? Do you really want another one? And then of course ignored or brushed off when we mention how we are FINALLY going to have our last child. I put my husband off for a good year and a half because I wanted to lose baby weight. Well I got most of it off and then found out he has a kidney disease. So to us it was even more important to have our last baby. But some of his family members saw it as me throwing him under the bus or something.

So I guess enjoy the pressure? lol It could be worse.

BeckyM · #3 August 29th, 2011, 09:03 AM

I get (and got) pressure from both sides of this from both family and friends, and even some strangers.

Some would make unnecessary comments about why in the world did I wait this long to have a child, why I didn't have a child sooner, and the minute I had Mark I was bombarded with questions on when we're going to have another. Yeeesssh people, isn't this my life? our choices? I didn't even meet my DH until I was in my 30s.

And then I get the other side, of why did we have any children since I knew I was going to be considered high risk, and that they hope I'm not going to have any more due to my age and possible issues again. Grrrr!! Especially the high risk part, yes I was considered high risk (and not just because of my "older" age), but I was thankfully able to work full time to just days before delivery and was so blessed to not have many issues but to hear these folks talk I was tempting fate by even considering this pg and any future ones.

It is frustrating at times, even though I know (or I hope) they are all trying to be loving & supporting.

pepper73 · #4 August 29th, 2011, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disneydiva76

With our family its the opposite. I get alot of rude comments about how can you afford more than one child today? Do you really want another one? And then of course ignored or brushed off when we mention how we are FINALLY going to have our last child. I put my husband off for a good year and a half because I wanted to lose baby weight. Well I got most of it off and then found out he has a kidney disease. So to us it was even more important to have our last baby. But some of his family members saw it as me throwing him under the bus or something.

So I guess enjoy the pressure? lol It could be worse.

Hmmmmm...that's a really good point. I guess the pressure is better than if I was getting criticized for TTC at my "advanced maternal age" or because of how much children cost. It really bothers me when people give women a hard time for wanting more children or wanting children later than what society deems as ideal. If you want more children, it is your choice and no one should say anything at all. This will be my first so I won't get the "do you really want another one" and so far I've been lucky that no one has given me a hard time about my age.

I'm really sorry that your family hasn't been supportive! You will get a ton of support from all of us here though so I hope that helps!

*SamF* · #5 August 29th, 2011, 09:15 AM

Mine were pushing us, till I started having the losses. Now sometimes they will ask, but they have quit mentioning it. Hell, I can't even get my mother to talk to me about TTC.

kayakr · #6 August 29th, 2011, 09:28 AM

DH mom bus him ALL THE TIME. She has no idea we have been trying for 7 months and that He has a morphology issue. Everyone is assuming it's me cause of my age. I am sure my age isn't helping, but the abnormal morphology surely isn't.

It crushes him ever time she bugs him. He can't seem to bear to tell her we have been trying and it just not be what God wants for us.

pepper73 · #7 August 30th, 2011, 04:55 AM

It sure seems hard no matter what. What's worse is that, as Becky said, these people generally do have the best intentions. BUT, they aren't in our shoes. They don't feel what we feel.

*SamF* · #8 August 30th, 2011, 06:14 AM

People don't realize it, I even catch myself doing it. I have a co-worker who just got married, they are not trying to have kids,m but I have teased her about it in the past. But this was the same woman who two years ago said she was never going to get married (been with her DH for 15 years) and they got married this summer. Plus I know she does eventually want kids, shes just not ready yet. But I should also know better.

BeckyM · #9 August 30th, 2011, 06:39 AM

Going through all that we did when we were TTC, and what ended up being the main problem for me & DH, as well as what we had to do to finally get our precious boy has made me re-think alot of things I used to say without thinking about having/not having kids, TTC, even jokes about not DTD right - I used to make various comments without thinking to others. I wish now that I could do back and erase that, as I honestly did not know, not until I went through our struggles. Even innocent remarks or questions about whether a child looks like Mommy or Daddy can make me cringe at times, and I am now VERY thoughtful of that and would never ever ever say that to another parent. Those first few weeks after I had our dear son, were really hard for me to hear that particular comment over & over when people met our son the first time, probably the hormones didn't help matters, but it was still very hard to hear. I hope I'm a much kinder person now then I was before I knew of such things.

does that even make sense, my rambling thoughts today?

GG1995 · #10 August 30th, 2011, 07:54 AM

The only one that really has said anything is DH's grandmother. Since the early part of the year, every time she would see me she would say "Do you have some news for me?" or "Well, are you pregnant yet?" Once I finally told her in June that I was having trouble Oing, then she didn't say too much more about it after that. She was thrilled when I called her to tell her that we finally were pregnant back in August, and then she called to check on me after I had my miscarriage and I could tell she was crushed. I don't think she'll say anything else to me about it for a while. She knows we are trying, so maybe that will be good enough for her for now.