[Heart_and_Soul]

Hi, Ladies.

I'm new yet not new here. I was a regular under a different screen name for several years after my DS was born in 2004 as we navigated the challenge of TTC'ing #2. Eventually it just became too painful to be on here. Locked in an endless cycle of hope and depression, on a merry-go-round that seems to have no exit . . . that has been my life.

A not-so-brief summary of me:
Me - 36
DH - 42
Off all BCP since 2000
Actively TTC'ed Nov 2001 - Dec 2003 - did all the testing, everything normal except I didn't O. 6 cycles of Clomid, O'ed on the last one. Dec. '03 we took a break as I ended up with a chronic lung illness and put on high does Prednisone. Got AF for the first time on my own in years Jan '04 and got pg that cycle. A very complicated pregnancy and early delivery left us with a miracle son who just turned 7 last week. He has some last medical issues but that's a whole other story . . .
2005 - 2008 - TTC'ed on again, off again. Did all medical tests again (b/w, u/s, HSG, SA, etc). DH had some issues with morphology but made up for it in count. Me, hormones outta wack, never got AF on my own, always medically induced, DX'd with PCOS in Sept 2008. During this period we did 3 more rounds of Clomid and in Sept 2008 started our first and only round of injectibles. In the end I O'ed but didn't get pg. Following that cycle I had AF for an entire month. I was emotionally drained. I struggle with my weight, always have, and at 265 lbs the RE informed me I needed to lose 40 lbs before we could move on to the next cycle. That was 3 years ago this month and I'm now 10 lbs heavier. I have not been back to the RE since then. I cycle through episodes of depression . . . more like the blues but it's still there. I make attempts at weightloss, several times joining Weight Watchers and a gym membership but I always turn to food as my comfort and crutch as I struggle with "the blues". In 2010 I actually felt positive about expanding our family for the first time in years as we embarked to adopt a child through the Ministry (social services). That dream was short lived because as we neared the end of our education component my DH decided he couldn't go through with it . . . he was certain he couldn't feel the same for an adopted child. I know he was acting out of fear and that he would be a great adoptive dad, however, I had to respect his decision. It crushed me because it was the last hope I had. I can't go back to the RE until I lose weight, I can't seem to lose wait because I medicate myself with food. I get excited when I start losing weight and then extremely fearful because if I let myself think about having another baby that hope is always coupled but the intense stomach crushing pain that what if it never happens . . . infertility is a horrible, viscious, pyschological hell.

I realize I have not suffered through the emotional hell of IVF or a pregnancy loss, but I also know the pain of infertility is real, no matter where you are in the journey. To not be able to achieve what should be the most natural ability - to procreate - is devastating and leaves you feeling broken.

Well, that's me in a nutshell. I know that this is it. If I don't lose wait and get my body under control NOW I will have no more chances. I'll be 37 in January and DH turns 43 in Nov. As much as I hide behind being scared it'll never happen, I can't let that be the REASON I don't get healthy for ME and the son I do have.

I currently have not had AF for 3 years. That alone terrifies me that something more is wrong (yet I've done nothing about it). I did take Provera twice in the last couple of years but nothing happened. I have an appt with my family doctor this Friday to get a full blood work up done and see about getting on Met again. I suffer from restless sleep and periods of extreme fatigue and lack of energy which exaserbates the cycle of "blues".

I am currently taking a multi vitamin, a B complex and I will be buying Vitex and possibly St. John's Wart. I am also joining Weight Watchers again tonight and heading back to the gym next week with a friend, 2 nights per week to start.

My goal is to be down 35 lbs by the end of the year and hopefully be back to my RE some time in January.

If you made it to the end of this, THANK YOU. I really needed to type this and feel 100% more positive having done so. JM was a source of great comfort for many years but has been too painful for the last couple of years. Today I decided to re-embrace the comfort I once found here.

[pepper73]

Hi and welcome back to JM!! Your post frustrated me because I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug! Your pain is so apparent and I really wish I could alleviate it! Even though you haven't suffered a loss in the traditional sense, I truly feel that infertility is in itself a loss. You lose hope, innocence, joy, confidence, and self-esteem. I have also suffered from depression on and off for many years and this TTC journey has really pushed me to the edge. I find myself really checking in on my emotions to try and make sure I don't go down that road again. Have you thought of going to therapy to help sort things out? Even if you feel that it's only the blues, it could be something more deep seeded. Or even medication can work wonders. There are some anti-depressants that are safe to take while TTC and during pregnancy (I think Zoloft is one) and that could really help with your day to day emotions. It might also help lift your spirits enough to help motivate you to go to the gym. Once you start working out and losing weight, I think your hope and confidence will return. It's so easy to get into the state of hopelessness and so hard to get out of it. I also think that working out with a friend helps. I find that it is so much easier to get motivated when you have someone doing it with you.

I hope your doctor can give you some answers and help get your cycles back on track. We are all here for you and will support you and cheer you on every step of the way.

Please keep us posted!!

[*SamF*]

Welcome back! I was going to suggest the same thing as Sarah, -have you thought of counseling or seeing a therapist while trying to get healthy? Dealing with infertility is hard enough all on it's own, but to add in the stress of losing weight and also dealing with depression it makes it doubly hard. A counselor/therapist should be able to help you get better. There is a weight loss board on JM if you want that extra support. I’m excited to hear you joined Weight Watchers though! That is an awesome program.
Don’t freak out about your age, there are lots of ladies here that have successfully gotten pregnant older than you are now. (I had DS when I was 39, and will be 41 when this one comes)
Good luck and Welcome back!

[kayakr]

I want to tell you what my OBGYN told me which got me out of the endless cycle of being depressed about wanting a baby, medicating myself with food, depressed cause I was fat, then eat again.
My OBGYN told me this before I even went to a RE. This was right when my DH was finally on board with TTC.

He said," Gretchen, eat like you would if you were pregnant. Don't go on a crazy diet and mess with your hormone levels. Eat like you would if you were pregnant.

Well that sounds easy enough, huh? Well...there isn't anything else I wanted more was to be preganant so I surely could eat like I was even in fact I wasn't. Those words changed my focus on myself and to my baby that I don't have yet. I have lost 15 lbs and have done nothing but stopped medicating myself with food.
I've lost it super slow so it's not a quick fix...but everyday before I stick something in my mouth I hear his words.... If I where prenant would I eat a entire box of hoho's - NO that would be terrible for my baby. I couldn't stop for myself cuase I figured I deserved to feel like crap, but my baby doesn't.

I hope that those words can help you like they did me. You have to find something to stop this cycle. You are not only hurting yourself, but all the people that love you and your family. It also hurts your baby that you don't have yet. k?

Also - can you see a different RE? I am sorry your RE discouraged you so bad and essentially made a hard situation worse. I am sure that wasn't his goal, but that is what happened.

You take care of yourself, if not for you, then for everyone that loves you.

[BeckyM]

back to JM & I too am sending lots of hugs your way!! I don't have anything new to offer beyond what these lovely ladies have already given. Hang in there sweetie, and we're all here together. I look forward to getting to know you and hope you don't have to wait long for your precious child.

[Heart_and_Soul]

Oh my gosh, Ladies. Thank you for your kind words. They made me well up.

I went to WW last night and found I really connected with the Leader which has never happended before so I think that is a good sign. I'm looking forward to my Dr's appt because I need to do something about being exhausted. Not sure if it's my thyroid or what, but I'm suspecting I have sleep apnea so we'll see.

I have been on anti-depressants before and will be asking about going on them again.

As for my RE, he is one of the best in Canada. There are only a couple of fertility clinics in my regional (and I live in a major metropolitan area) and none of them will do fertility treatments on women with a BMI over 40. (There was actually a national conference last week where it was discussed to make this a law nation wide and actually with a much lower BMI cap).

Gotta get back to work here. Anyways, thanks again ladies and I look forward to getting to know you all.

[pepper73]

I think Gretchen gave you some great advice! In fact, those are words we should all live by. The healthier we are before we get pregnant, the healthier we'll be during our pregnancies.
I'm glad you had a connection with the WW leader. I think that's really important. It's just like finding a doctor you have a connection with. It can make all the difference. Good luck at your doctor's appointment today! I hope that they can get you well on your way to getting your BFP! Please give us an update when you can!

[BeckyM]

I'm glad you connected with the WW leader, that makes all the difference. Good luck today & update us when you can.

[kayakr]

Heart_and_soul - how are you doing? Are you feeling a little better? We all hope so.

Weight Watchers is a great program that is worth doing. You can still eat and you really learn portion control and realize how much you've really been eating. Well let me just tell you that was a bit of a shock to me how much I should be eating and how much I was eating.

Well keep us updated - we all want you to get your BFP so remember, if you can't do it for yourself - do it for you baby and your DS. It WILL be worth it!

[Heart_and_Soul]

Hi, Ladies!

I'm doing well, thanks for checking up on me.

I had to postpone my Dr's appt until Monday because of a doofess at work. It's OK though.

I've had two great on points days with WW - even stayed under my total points which I've never done before and I'm working on another great day. DS and I had eggs, toast and juice for breakfast this morning at 6:45 and he was asking me how many points this or that was, why I can't eat this or that, it was very cute (he's 7).

I'm a little ticked because yesterday I found out that my family Dr. is retiring Dec. 30 and noone is taking over her practice. I went thru the same thing 6 years ago when I had a Dr. I loved. There is such a Dr. shortage here that it's really hard to find a family doctor. I really want a female Dr. and in order to get that I will probably have to get one that is over an hour away. Oh well. No sense getting worked up about something I have no control over - just have to deal with it. I'll just have to make sure I get everything done with her before she leaves (all tests she can do) and gets me the referral to the RE again.

[kayakr]

Awesome! You sound much better than you did a few days ago! I am glad. I am proud of you that you where abe to pull yourself out of the Funk. See you are a strong women. You keep up the good work and get yourself that BFP.