[pepper73]

Hi ladies! I've been pretty MIA lately and thought I'd come by and explain what has been going on. Over the last week, I have been feeling increased anxiety. There are some issues with my BF that I'm not sure I want to deal with, plus I have to say his mother is a big problem and it scares me. It scared me enough to not rush into the IUI that I had been planning on doing. If I am going to have a baby, I have to do it right...I have to be completely comfortable with the environment in which the baby will grow up in. To top it all off, last week I got an email from my ex-husband saying he was going to be in NH visiting his family and invited me to go see them. I need to backtrack a little and say that I am still very good friends with him and his whole family. They are still like family to me. Anyway, at first I said no...but then I couldn't stop thinking about it and knew I just had to go. In the process of all this thinking, I couldn't help but remember how good I had it with him and how no man has been able to compare to him since we split. Don't get me wrong, my BF is a great guy....but it just isn't the same. So, I decided to go down there and see if I still have feelings for my ex and also see what he was thinking. It was so good to go see them. It was like coming home. Saturday night, my ex & I had a major heart to heart...honestly, it is something we should've done a few years ago. We both agree that we still love each other and would love to try again. BUT...then I brought up the subject of children and he told me that he didn't want to be 60 years old with an 18 year old and that he was sorry but he couldn't give that to me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I basically have 2 choices...get back with him and never have children or have children (either with donor sperm or settle with someone who will never have my whole heart) and never get back with him. I feel that the whole situation is very tragic. I know this may seem weird to most or all of you...it's just one of those strange turns that comes up in life. In my heart, I feel that my ex & I were meant to be together...but this is too huge of an issue. Deep down, I keep hoping that he'll do some major thinking in the next few days and decide that he really would like to have a family with me.

So, right now I have to decide whether or not to stay with my BF. I do love him, but I'm also not truly happy. Part of me feels I'd be better off living on my own and getting donor sperm. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent, but I also don't think it's right to just be with someone because he wants a child. When I first got pregnant with my loss, we were still in the early stages of our relationship and I think I spent too much time focusing on getting pregnant and having a child rather than on our relationship itself. I think I was just telling myself that as long as we had a child, everything else would fall into place. I have realized now how foolish that was.

I would still like to stick around and chat with all of you, if you will have me. I have grown to love and admire you all. In a way, I'm still TTC...it's just turned into a longer and more confusing journey. I need to think of my own happiness and also the best interests of my future child. I will also welcome any feedback/advice you may have.

[dbusenbark]

Wow Sarah. Your plate sure is full. I don't have any words of advice especially when it comes to someones personal life. No one truly knows what is going on in anothers life. You have to go with your best gut feeling. I don't have to tell you how great this board is and I would hate to see you leave just because you are in limbo right now. Besides, I've missed stalking you :-)

[LauraTTCat42]

Lots of HUGS, Sarah. We never know what life has in store for us. There is no way to know which decision is the "right" decision, so give up the notion that there is only one 'right solution' to the dilemma you are confronting. I have always trusted my gut, and if the result wasn't what I expected I took it as a lesson learned in life and carried on with my chin held very high.

Think how the decision will benefit YOU first. Do what you want and not what other people really want. Find your happiness within and go from there.

You definitely have support here You are a lovely person Sarah and I do hope you stick around and keep in touch with us!

xox

[*SamF*]

You do have a lot on your plate right now, and taking a little break while you figure it out is a great idea.
Definitely don't disappear!!

[BeckyM]

Hugs sweetie!! Don't you dare disappear on us either. I can definitely understand taking a break and figuring things out. My thoughts on this, are to figure out what YOU want to do, and what will make YOU happy in this life. If it means being by yourself and pursuing your family as a single parent, then that's what you can do. It would be hard, but it's not impossible. If you're having these hesitations now with BF, and especially his family, then I would listen to those gut feelings. Having a child with someone ties you to this person (and his family) for the rest of your life. Even if you are no longer together in the future, the child will be the connection. And with the ex, I too hope he'll do some deep thinking too. But I also wouldn't wait around for him to do this. My ex husband after we were married 10 years & about to start TTC decided he didn't want to be married anymore and one of his top reason was that he said he NEVER wanted children at all. 7 1/2 years later, he now regrets it terribly and has even asked if he could meet me son. (which of course is not happening in our case) Sorry not trying to highjack your thread, just wanted to give you my thoughts on this sweetie.

And if you have any questions regarding the donor sperm and process (i.e. choosing bank/donor, IUI using donor sperm, etc.), let me know. I'll be glad to assist how I can. It too can be an emotional and stressful choice, but not impossible either. ((((Hugs))))

[Counting our Blessings]

Wow, that is a lot to think about. The ladies had great advice. Remember, this is about you. You. Maybe step back a bit and decide what you really want. Once you decide that, it should make our choice easier to decide. Not that it makes it easy, but gives you direction. Best of luck, and please stick around!

[GG1995]

WOW!! You do have alot on your plate.

If it were me, I would give it a few weeks or a month and talk to your ex and see if he has changed his mind on the having children subject. If he has not, then I would go with the sperm donor route. Being a single parent is not easy, but I know that it would all be worth it in the end, especially if having a child has always been your dream.

I would get out of your current relationship ASAP, because it sounds to me like you know that it isn't going where you want it to. So many people make this mistake of having a child in a relationship that they are not happy in, and I think that in the end, the child is the one that suffers. It usually ends up getting ugly over child support and custody battles. You usually have to deal with the child's father's family and what other person that they decide to bring into the child's life such as a new girlfriend or wife.......and you have no control over what your child is exposed to on the weekends that your ex has custody of the child.

This is just my thoughts and opinions though. Good Luck and please don't dissappear!

[Thing_3]

I agree with the other ladies, you have a lot on your plate. I think it is great that you can be so honest with yourself and really look at the big picture of what you want in life. Give us an update on if your x comes around to wanting to TTC.

Hugs!!

[pepper73]

Thank you so much ladies! I agree with everything you've said and really appreciate the support and advice. Becky, don't think you were hijacking the thread. It really helps to hear other peoples' experiences. One thing I do fear is that my ex will have the same regrets that your ex had. BUT...I also know that it's not my responsibility to worry about that. I have done a ton of thinking these past few days but haven't really been able to fully grasp the situation. One thing I know is that if I don't have children, I will regret it...so that needs to come first and love needs to come second. And I also agree that bringing a child into an uncomfortable situation would be wrong. I do think it's best for kids to have 2 parents, but it would be much healthier to have a child with one loving (and happy) parent, than 2 loving (and unhappy) parents.

You are all so amazing!